In the past few weeks I have been doing some inner child work with clients and have acknowledged how much we owe to the child within us and how much they can influence our life today. I realized that even though many years have passed and we become different people, deep down inside we are always the same. We hold the same values, the same needs, the same emotions and the same qualities. They may display differently as we grow through the stages of life but ultimately, they are the same. If our early life has seen trauma, fear or sadness, our adult life, with the ‘help’ of association, can re -experience these emotions. In times of worry, times of anger or fear, it is the inner child who is hurting, who is feeling the way we feel and sometimes, it is she/he who shows themselves to the world. How often have we heard the comment made about an adult who may be scared, angry or upset, ‘he’s behaving like a child’? Acting as the child would have acted had she been allowed or able. I have seen this in my own life, seen myself thrown back into the past so many times, especially these past few years, without the desire to do so. Sometimes, when hurting, I use anger. As you know, I have said many times, ‘anger is just sad’s bodyguard’. During the painful times of being hurt by family: during my beloved husband having Prostate cancer, sometimes just when everything was seemingly hard, my inner child would surface and the adult in me wouldn’t stand a chance.
I have referred many times to my past and part of my coming to terms with it, was, as I do today, writing. Maybe it will make more sense to those who read but don’t really understand, where I am coming from. I wrote a blog in May, called ‘I Want to Be an Open Book…’telling you of the reasons for disclosing my identity but today wanted to embellish the reasons behind who I am. Facebook friends may not always understand my blog or why I have the emotions I have had these past years. Why should they? My life has been anything but straightforward, I am made up of three people and now I will explain myself.
The Writer.
The very first book I wrote, back in 1997, was a children’s book based on a fictional character I created, whilst on holiday with my daughters Lisa and Marie. THE ADVENTURES OF WOZWELL THE WOMAS. Published in my own name. A little book to teach children, in a funny lighthearted way, good old fashioned values. Family loved it especially my late brother Tony. On seeing it for the first time in W.H.Smiths, next to Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl, he was very excited and couldn’t contain himself. Lovely memory. That was and still is, as I have 10 more stories about Wozwell waiting publication, my only venture into fiction.
The books I have written are true stories. I wrote my autobiography, under a pseudonym for legal reasons but today can own my story. My childhood in I DID TELL I DID and my later teenage years into woman hood in NOBODY TOLD ME. I have never wanted to write fiction, apart from Wozwell, I don’t even know if I could. I have found real life to be dramatic enough. Readers choose to read my books or not, but writing them is a cathartic exercise as writers of true personal stories may know, or was and is in my case.
In my own experience, real life is harsher and sometimes more traumatic than any novel, because it is true. That mere fact makes the reader ‘feel’ for the main ‘character’ and empathise with them. Not, I hope, in my own writing, sympathise with the author. Sympathy is not what I hoped for and thankfully didn’t receive. The writer I have become, uses her memories, her experiences and the truth to tell others about her life or about other’s lives. Writing my stories, my life experiences has two positives. It can help others in some way, either by making them realise they are not alone, or by simply allowing them to believe they can get through their own horrors. The second way is to help me process my own demons. Sexual abuse, cruelty, loss of a baby to adoption and a child born sleeping, plus other traumas. All of these were told in the first two books because they happened to me. I haven’t dramatized anything, if anything I have left things out. My childhood was a web of lies and that has made me see honesty as the most important quality that I live by. I don’t lie and I feel hurt and insulted when I am lied to. So my first two books are me, warts’n all. NOBODY TOLD ME is a direct legacy of the abuse suffered in childhood, it is painful to read but ultimately, I hope, it is inspiring. Both of these books were written under my author name of Cassie Harte.
My next book. Currently being finished, will be a kind of ‘self -help’ book. A coffee table edition that can be used when victims or survivors need a little encouragement, a little bit of comfort. I will combine my own story in little snapshots, to show how I coped, how I used different tools to survive. Some good, some not so good. I will also use my experience and expertise in my field of Psychotherapy and Counselling. I will teach the tools and techniques I teach my clients, to enable them and empower them in their lives. It will be clear, concise, humorous where appropriate and like everything I say and write, honest in its content. Its working title is: ‘Come Walk with Me. (on a journey from victim to Survivor)’.
After that is finished, I will continue to write my book for partners and wives of sufferers of Prostate cancer. Its working title is ‘A Man’s cancer by a forgotten victim.’ Another coffee table book that will be based on my blog over the past 2 plus years, of the journey I have taken with David, my PC journey. Written from my perspective alone. I hope this will bring comfort to other women, suffering in their own way during this horrid time. So this is me as a writer.
The Woman.
After surviving the horrors of abuse, I have always tried to help others who have been harmed, and keep children safe. Sexual abuse is not the only abuse suffered by children. It maybe psychological, mental, emotional or physical abuse. I suffered most of these as a child. Abuse is abuse and damages the victim. In my work as a Psychotherapist I work hard to help clients come through their trauma and become survivors after being victims for most of their lives. I am always honest to them as people and I expect and receive honesty from them, to enable us to work together to a satisfactory ending. As I have said, honesty is paramount. I personally, have lost out big time to keep my integrity intact in the past, because of this. I can’t lie to people or for people and have always thought of this as a virtue but it sometimes comes at high cost to me. My childhood was full of fear and deceit, lies and nasty intrigue. I have worked hard to eradicate these things from the life of everyone I love and anyone who asks help of me. I try hard not to dwell on my own stuff, I gain pleasure from helping those who need it and try hard not to refuse this help to anyone. There was no one there for me as a child, so I want to be the ‘someone’ for anyone who comes to me. Like hundreds of others, thousands of users, I have social media accounts to share my thoughts, my fun times, my family and animals and always try to make people smile. Being honest on there has gained me hundreds of friends but also some very big enemies. Would I change my integrity? No. I will always believe, honesty is always the best policy.
The Little Girl.
Now this is where it all began. My early years were traumatic, painful, scary and full of horror. The Writer in me has tried hard to put this all to bed, deal with it, by telling her story. This is was the subject for my first book, I DID TELL I DID which is came out again in July 2016, having been re published as a 2nd edition. It is an honest, true account of my early life. Writing it was very hard. Took me back to places and horrors that were scary and painful to think about. Revisiting these was worth it, after receiving hundreds of letter from readers, my story either helped or encouraged to come forward. It also helped me and I thought I had succeeded in letting it all go. But I haven’t, not really. I have moved away from the hurt terrified child, I have dealt with my beginning and my middle and am now working on my ‘end’. But it is never far away. The fear, the pain I mean. All the work I have done on my past, it can be triggered and throw me back to those dark horrific days. We deal with our past by either changing how we remember it to make it more comfortable, or we box it all up and hope no one rips the lids off the boxes. I have, over the years of training, where we had to have personal therapy, and writing my story, dealt with my past. But some things I have placed in boxes and put where I can’t see them or think of them. Out of reach of the ‘association’ I have talked about where something can trigger the memories or the feelings. I didn’t think this could happen anymore but it can as I have recently discovered. Time doesn’t matter, memories have no timescale when they rush back into your head, as though it were yesterday. Because it was a long time ago, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t scare you or doesn’t matter.
Today I realised that my years as little Carol Ann, made me who I am today. All the nasties were building blocks to where I am now. Yes my writing enabled me to process that life. Yes the Woman worked hard at ‘moving on’ whatever that might mean. But the reality is this. No matter what has happened as a child, as a woman and as a writer, nothing will ultimately change the child inside. Little Carol.
Readers have kindly said I must have been strong to survive my childhood. They say I must be a very strong woman. Well perhaps they are right, I hope they are right. I am now going to draw on that strength and stop making excuses, to stop using my failing health, to not write and get on and write my third book! NOBODY TOLD ME is doing well, so that’s good and the original edition of I DID TELL I DID is back on track in a 2nd edition with a new cover, in spite of some who caused its demise. When it was first published, it was one of the first stories of CSA and went straight to Number One in the Sunday Times bestseller list. It is now selling in 4 countries. Helping others I hope.
I want to thank all of my readers, my Facebook and Twitter friends and supporters and my husband, daughter Marie and my son Jonathan who encouraged and supported me in getting the book back on the shelves. They have been there through the good the bad and the ugly that has entered my life yet again. Never faltering in their love and support. So thank you all. I would also like to thank my eldest daughter Lisa, in spite of how things are today, who, back in the dark days of my writing my autobiography, gave me her love and support, and who was so proud when it was published. How times have changed but I will not forget that time and will treasure the memories.
We should never be defined by our past but sometimes it catches up with us, barges back in when we least expect it or want it. We don’t ‘hang on to the past’ it hangs on to us and becomes evident at bad times in our lives. The memories that are traumatic will always be triggered at times of stress, fear or pain. This is our inner child crying out to be healed. We all owe it to ourselves to listen, comfort and be kind to her/him. To look after ourselves in any way we need. Remember that.
Little Carol is back with a vengeance at times of stress and has, in the past reacted and not responded, to whatever life threw at her. I hope from today to change that and be more aware of who I am, the woman, but also aware that the child I was, is always with me.
Thank you for reading xx
carolannwright 