Well here I am, still unwell and now getting slightly bored and more than a little cross. I am not critically ill, but ill enough to have to stop and that is so annoying. Makes me angry that illness has stopped me. This past week, I have moaned a lot, frustrated at feeling poorly and looking around at the things I want and need to do, but have no energy to do. I was beginning to become more than a little tired of hearing myself say ‘I am so tired’, ‘I don’t feel at all well’. Of course I ‘m tired, of course I don’t feel well. ‘You’re ill!’ Moaning got me nowhere just a little more cross at myself. This brought me back to looking at how others deal with long-term health conditions. How my best friend Mo, coped with her deteriorating health, when going through Lung cancer. We would meet up regularly and she had told me she was dying. ‘It’s alright Carol Ann’ she would say smiling, ‘I am okay’. It wasn’t alright and she wasn’t okay and I would tell her so but she would just smile again and take my hand. ‘I have no pain. I don’t feel ill. Your issues give you constant pain and you often feel quite ill but we both keep going. We have to. We want to’ and then the smile again. This week I have felt quite ashamed of being and feeling so pathetic, but her words come into my head and I know, at least I will recover from this illness. Mo didn’t.
I began to re read a friend’s blogs, a man who sadly has terminal cancer, how brave he is and how his faith has helped him through these past dark days. I admire him and his journey, the way he has publicly shared it with us all on here and how dignifed and respectful he has remained. Always thinking of you Mark.
When Tony, my Big Bear of a brother, told me he was dying, I was heartbroken, felt helpless and was so angry. He didn’t deserve to die. Not yet. not this way. Not ever if I had my way. One thing it did though, was to make me realise my own mortality. Tony had always been there, in my life, as an older brother, my constant. He fought hard to stay here, with those who loved him and that included me. But cancer stole him from us all and left a huge void. One of the things that happened when he died, was something that began to happen, when David was diagnosed with PC. At that time,I began to evaluate our lives, look at what was important. Try and put aside everything that took up precious time, time away from ‘us’, time away from him. He deserved all of my time, attention, I needed to concentrate on him and that was what I tried to do. It wasn’t easy back then. ‘Family’ had no respect for the fact that he had cancer, that he could die and carried on regardless and I let them I am ashamed to say. My eldest daughter and youngest sister, stole so much time from him, from us here in Wales, months and months that were taken up with their constant bullying. They had also taken my brother’s last year and trampled over any little bit of peace he had left. Making it so much harder for him and all of us. All of this showed very little respect for either Tony or David, no respect for the fact they were ill. No respect for anything , in their lives or mine. But most of all, a huge lack of respect for life itself.I had to stop that and at last I have.
I see this in every walk of life, a lack of respect I mean. Today people seem to have very little respect for another’s property, their good name, or their lives. They seem able to take whatever they want that is not theirs. Hurt whoever they want with no respect for another’s feelings Say whatever they want, lie and have no respect for the good name of the person they talk about. I don’t think this is a generational thing and I don’t think it is upbringing. For example, I brought both my daughters up to show respect for their elders, respect other people’s property. Respect the good name of people and have respect for life itself. It was the one thing I wanted and expected from them and for many years, recieved. Most of all I wanted them to show self-respect. My youngest shows all of the above, the eldest of late???? I think the reason for this lack of thought for others is that we sadly live in a throw away society and it is seems to have spread to life itself. No value, no respect. It has to change.
Since joining the PC groups on here, I have ‘met’ some amazing people, dignified, brave and courageous. Some have terminal PC and have limited time left. Some, who yet don’t know what fate has in store for them. Others who are fighting so hard that it takes all of their strength to hang on. But hang on they do. Life is precious. When faced with a poor diagnosis, I read of men and their partners who show huge faith, great strength, both of character and in body. They won’t give in, not that in most cases, ‘giving in’ is the correct term. But they try so hard to show cancer with a little ‘c’, whose boss! I am always in awe of those who fight, openly on here, tell it as it is. Bear their souls to either help others understand or share their own way of coping. Whether it be by prayer, sending love and hugs or simply commenting on the posts to encourage others. I read with great sadness of men losing this horrid battle, listening to their partners and wives, openly grieve and hope when I comment, it is taken the way it is always intended. I can’t know how they feel and don’t want to feel that way. Sounds selfish but of course I don’t. It is at times like this, that the value of life is accentuated, accepted, realised. We show each other respect on the groups, comment encouragement when we can, share our success stories to encourage others who are only part way on this journey. But mostly I hear and read great respect for other members. Long may it continue.
This past week has brought shock and horror to us all, here in the UK. Reading of the brutal beating of a 90-year-old lady, Iris Warner, in her own home, has left me, for one, reeling. How anyone can harm another human being is beyond me. How anyone can beat an elderly lady is beyond me. We think we are safe in our own homes, but evidently this poor lady wasn’t. There were other stories of other elderly ladies having suffered beatings in this same week and it makes me ashamed to be human. Where is the respect for elders? Where is humanity in the sense of the ability to do this to anyone? Where is the respect for life? I am at a loss and my heart goes out to Iris, the other ladies and their families. The attacker!? The coward? The bully? I use ‘he’ because I just cannot believe a woman could inflict these horrendous injuries on anyone. I hope his family are proud of him! My Christian beliefs are now being tested once again. Forgiveness doesn’t get a look in.
Reading of killings, murders, wars, I am more than angry. People everywhere, on these groups, in our families amongst our friends, are fighting to stay alive. While the rest of the world it seems, are taking life as though it has no value. A picture of a little girl on Facebook saying’ Why can’t we all just love each other’ comes into my head. Yes why can’t we and value and respect this precious thing called life.
Yes, life is precious. It should be valued in every sense, every species, every race. Losing those we love, we realise just how precious life is. In my own personal life and in my professional role, I see life thrown away. I see it wasted. I see those who face enormous pain and heartache and I have felt it myself. I have wasted years, lost on those who don’t deserve it. This past few weeks, being quite ill, I have valued good health so much more than before. Of course it is not the first time I have been ill, I don’t have very good health but also don’t give in to my illnesses. But this time I have had to. I suppose the older we get, the harder it is to shake things off, to cope with being unwell. One thing this episode has told me is this. I have no more time to waste. I owe it to my family, to those who love me and to myself, not to waste anymore time. It is too precious. But for now, I need to show respect for my own health, my own frailties and let my body recover. I owe it to me. Once I have recovered, I will get back to book 3 because I feel it is going to help many people. I will focus on David, Marie and my animals and not on those who have chosen to alienate themselves from me and my family here ‘on the farm’. I will once again enjoy nature, play with my ponies and enjoy everything I am lucky enough to have here. Life is for living. I have learned how easily it can be snatched away. I also know how being ill can focus the mind. Being helpless , ill and a bit down, has given me food for thought. Now, every morning as I awake, I am thankful that I am still here to see another day, whatever it brings.
The threat of losing my wonderful man to PC has made me appreciate him more, and reminded me of how much love we share and how much I need to keep showing him. I am one of the lucky ones. I know the value of life and respect it.
Thankyou for reading xx
carolannwright 