After last weeks blog, my disclosure, I received many private messages and some comments in my groups re the blog. Just want to thank everyone for the lovely words and kind sentiments expressed after my revelation. I was told, back in 2009, by the son of the man who committed CSA against me, to ‘name and shame’. I wasn’t allowed. I still have not done that but have now ‘owned’ my story. This has given me a sense of freedom. I can now openly work for children who are suffering CSA and know that I do understand their fears, their pain and help them talk about it and break free.I can talk now about my early life, my fears, my hurts and my truth. I had made reference to my past, to the abuse, to the ‘woman they called my mother’ to the break down of my relationship with my eldest daughter at her instigation. I can now talk freely about how PC impacted on that already ‘difficult time of my life’. I hope last week’s blog allowed readers to understand me a bit more. Understand where I am coming from and my need for honesty and truth.Thankyou all once again.
This past week I read of many posts in my groups that told of successes and good outcomes of PC treatment. One that stood out was a young man who told us all that he and his fiance had married. She knew of the cancer with a little ‘c’ and knew of the outcomes after treatment but still wanted to get married to the man she loved. He sounded proud but a bit surprised. I won’t name either of them but they know who they are. I hope they have a long happy life together. That story showed what true love is.
I wrote a blog on March 11th, called ‘We Are All Fighting Our Own Battles. Be Careful With Your Words.’. This is something that has come to light again in the past week. A member had written that she and her husband had been scared that the PC he had , had metastasized and told of her fears. She later wrote another post, telling of her huge relief that it hadn’t. This sadly brought comments on her post that sounded angry, unkind, because their own partners cancer had spread, the outcome and future was not good and they sounded angry to read that she was in a better situation than they were. I don’t believe they meant to sound unkind. I think their own huge sadness and fear made them react instead of respond to the post. Sadness and fear are often disguised in anger , by anger. That anger can breed resentment , sometimes bitterness and that comes across as personal to the reader. The tyrant that is the ‘F’ word, is always so close. Fear can sound angry and bitter. When you are facing the worst outcomes, waiting for results, tests etc. is scary, unbearable and when proved wrong, we need to express our happiness our relief. We need to share it and others need to read it. Especially those new to this journey, early on in their own journey.
I for one, love to hear the positive stories, right from the first day I joined the groups, I needed to read the happy outcomes. There were those who sadly wrote of this horrid disease and how it claimed the lives of their loved ones and I felt so much pain for them. So much fear for us. But I needed to read of successes of treatment, hear of those who had thought the worst and had discovered, that in actuality, the worst was not as bad as they had thought, or even been told. The positive stories, the happy outcomes, we all need to read those and feel happy for the people involved. Sometimes after writing positive stories, your own ‘undetectable’ results, you receive congratulations,you may also hear of another person’s fears and how your post has encouraged them, given them hope. We also need to be aware, that every story will impact on readers. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not. People genuinely happy for you. But you may also have hit on other people’s emotions when they are still raw. They may be struggling with a diagnosis, facing unbearable fear,pain and sadness and anticipating loss.They may comment in a way that comes across as being unkind. None of us know how we would react in the same circumstances, so lets not judge.
We all share that one emotion, Fear, in differing amounts. At various times on this journey none of us wanted to take, we are scared. No terrified. I have spoken about how the ‘F’ word rears its ugly head in my own life, even now. Even though I now say David HAD cancer and not ‘has’ it. Sometimes, with little or no warning, it returns along with the ‘what ifs’. The ‘F’ word I mean. He has been unwell this week, but it was a virus. Didn’t stop me worrying, beginning to think the worst. Letting the ‘what ifs’ begin to stir. Not quite got a handle on controlling them all the time yet.
Cancer has touched our lives, some of us more than once and every-time, it brings back previous fights against it ,that we have endured. Years ago, I lost my first sister-in-law, aged 26, my brother Tony’s first wife who lost her battle against this cruel disease, after her giving birth to her second son. 6 years ago I lost my best friend Mo, she fought so hard but lost her fight. Then a close friend’s husband died far too young, from the ‘c’ word. 4 years go today, my eldest sister Georgina lost a long hard-fought fight and January this year my beloved big bear, my brother Tony succumbed to Lung cancer. So cancer is a regular visitor, and that is just in my life. Each time I become afraid. Selfish I suppose, but these deaths make me realise my own mortality and that of those I love. Cancer has not boundaries, doesn’t care who you are. It will hit as often and as severely as it chooses, affect any of us with no exceptions. Making the afflicted scared.
Fear is a normal, if sometimes unwarranted emotion. But however small that fear, it needs airing, talking about, facing. Holding on to emotions allows us to internalize, causing us to become angry, anxious or depressed. It damages us, hurting us, sometimes doing harm that could be avoided if we tackled the very thing that was scaring us, at the beginning. We can allow the fear to make us so scared that we avoid talking, either about what the fear is about, or the fear itself. Sadness within the fear causes us pain. This in turn can manifest itself in anger. Fear can replace common sense and allow us to let our mind go into overdrive and think the very worst without having all the facts. Sometimes we can’t control it. Not sharing, not talking about what is scaring us can make us ill. Unresolved fear can be very unhealthy and unhelpful. We need to take the cause of the fear and reality test it. We can often anticipate the worst and that increases the fear. Yes in some cases, the worst might happen, but if we try to think in a positive manner, at least until we have the facts, it will help us keep things in perspective. We are often more afraid of Fear itself, than the outcome of what is making us scared. Words of a song ”What if I fall, yes but what if you fly’, come to mind. A thought can’t hurt you so try to push it aside until you have the facts, that way, you will be in a better position to cope with whatever life throws at you. Don’t jump ahead of yourself. Try not to panic. Worrying won’t change any outcome, so take one day at a time, within the facts as far as you know them. I wrote an earlier blog. March 26th ‘The Nasty Effects of The ‘F’ word in cancer’. Take a look if you haven’t read it.
One thing more about Fear. If you have come onto the groups I am a member of and have told us you are scared, terrified, you have done a very brave thing. Saying you are scared is courage itself. Laying yourself wide open. It is an admirable thing to do. It is the first step to taking back control when you may feel life is spinning out of control. I know I did. When my husband was diagnosed, life was already very hard, very painful. Fear was already apparent in abundance, after the estrangement of my daughter, the lies she was spreading and the damage she was trying to do to me and my family ‘here on the farm’. I was scared, not of her, but for her. I didn’t recognize this young woman who was trying to destroy me and all I stood for. I am her Mum. I was and am afraid for her psychological health, her mental state but am not scared of her anymore.The fear turned very quickly to a sadness that is still with me today, the only way I was able to cope with this sadness she brought to me, at the time, was to turn it to anger. This was what I showed on here. Anger. For the lies and stories told to family, the lies she told to my publisher but most of all for the lies she has told to my grandchildren and to herself. But today, I am not angry anymore. I recognize the anger she shows me is sadness. The anger I show in return is sadness, angry’s bodyguard, bred from fear. So I know what fear is all about.
Well, that was a bit heavy wasn’t it. One thing I feel I need to say now is that for all readers whose partners/husbands have incurable PC I send my love, my prayers and if I could, some strength to help you endure whatever comes next. I feel so much for you and although I am grateful for our personal outcome, that doesn’t lessen my feelings of sadness for you all. My thoughts are with Mark Bradford, one of the first men who replied to my first blog and first post on here. I hope he is resting and feeling held in his faith and comforted by what it gives him. Sending Welsh cwtch’s, in abundance.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 