Today’s blog is not about PC or about my life today. It is an explanation to those who have been asking questions and hopefully today I will answer them.
The questions? Where is your book? What is your book? Well, here it is.
I had always wanted to write my story, tell it as it was, warts ’n all. I wanted people to know, that even if everything appears okay, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. As a little girl, I thought my life was normal, that this was how every little girl felt, what every little girl went through. As I grew older, I realised that none of it was ‘normal’. I later wondered, if there were lots of little ‘Carol’s’ out there, living lives like mine and wanted them to know they were not alone.
The childhood I had, affected everything I did as I grew up and after. Every part of my life was governed by the legacies of my early years and my growing up. Some of which almost destroyed me. People who knew me as a child, but more as an adult, might now make sense of my life. Things, that those related to me, those who knew of my struggles as a young mum, might now understand. Facebook friends who read reference to ‘my story’ or ‘my book’ will now know to what I was referring. My whole childhood had been full of lies and secrets and that is the reason I base so much on honesty and truth now.
Back in 2009, I wrote my autobiography, hoping to slay my demons and be released from the nightmares of my early life. I had partially done this, during my counsellor training, but not to any great extent. Writing it all down was a cathartic experience although painful. It was so hard, revisiting the horrors of my childhood. But with the support of my family and writing mostly at night when the cottage was quiet and still, I completed my life story.
I thought of having it published, hoping to inspire others who had lived as I had lived and to enlighten those who hadn’t. But I knew it might not be possible because of the content. There were no, or very few books about the kind of life I had lived, at that time, not like today I am glad to say. Not glad that others had suffered but glad that today we can talk about it. Even back then, 2009, it was something no one spoke about.
But. One Thursday morning in February 2009, I sent the manuscript off, by email, to the largest UK publisher and went off to do my clinic. I thought I had nothing to lose, so aimed high. On my return, there had been phone-calls from the publisher, urging me to contact them straight away. I rang back and arranged a meeting. That was the beginning of an extraordinary period in my life. I had full support of my husband David and daughters Lisa and Marie and other people mentioned in my story, especially my brother Tony. I travelled to London, signed a contract and off it went. I went onto Facebook and told everyone to expect my book to be on sale soon. A few weeks later I placed a photo of my book cover and I DID TELL I DID, by Carol Ann Wright was out there. It was like a dream. I had many letters from FB friends and some authors, all looking forward to seeing the finished product. Now, at last, my past would be worth it. Now I could help others by telling my story.
A few months after I had told on Social Media, of my publishing contract, the publishers decided that I had to write it under a pseudonym for legal reasons. I didn’t want to do this but eventually gave in and Cassie Harte was born. I didn’t know what to say on this Facebook page, my Carol Ann Wright page, I felt silly, embarrassed and let down. What could I say? So I said nothing, leaving those who knew of my story, wondering what had happened to my book. I opened a page in my author name Cassie Harte and gained hundreds of followers and received hundreds of letters from others who had suffered like me. Many I am proud to say, since talking to me and been encouraged, have come forward and published their own stories.
Mine was the first story around CSA of its kind. There were no others to compare it with and because it was launched in the November 2009, it was not expected to do very well, with competition from Christmas celebrity autobiographies and cook books. But it did. It went straight to Number 3 and then to Number One in its first week, staying there for a while and in the past years, selling in total around 100,000 copies over 4 countries. It is a Sunday Times bestseller, selling in France, Russia, Poland and the UK. Still selling. How good is that!
Last week I found that Russia, had produced I DID TELL as a hardback, how thrilled am I!
Writing under another name was not what I wanted, I felt it was colluding with those who caused me damage but I had no choice. In my book, everyone had different names and professions and I purposely did not elaborate on the lives of my siblings or friends. I don’t have the right to tell their stories, only my own.
A few years ago, June 2016, I was named on my author Facebook page, in my own name and those who did this, contacted the publisher saying I had named them, which was not the truth. I had signed a contract saying I would not identify myself or anyone in my story, back in 2009, after creating Cassie Harte. Family members who did this, had written on Facebook, in their own names, thus identifying themselves and me.My contract was terminated and the Rights returned to me. I am not going into the details but that is why my book is now out as a 2nd edition with a different cover. The story is exactly the same, with a postscript.
I have no shame in my story, I did for many years, I felt the shame of those in my book as my own. I now know it was not my shame to carry. I am proud of the person I have become, a Health Professional, an honest and open woman, despite my early life. My past does not define me but does go some way in explaining, the down parts and low moments, in my life today.
So why do I feel the need to disclose this today? Why Now?
Back in 2016 when family identified me as the author of I DID TELL, I was rendered very low, at this time, my husband was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and my brother, diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I had so much going on and wasn’t in the ‘right place’ emotionally or psychologically, the disclosure didn’t happen. But I now want to work openly for survivors and victims with them knowing that I do understand, I can feel their pain, know their struggles.I am currently writing a self help book, ‘Come Walk with Me’, which draws on my own experiences and teaches techniques I use with clients. I hope this book will help them grow from being a victim to becoming a survivor. I would like this published in my own name. I have always been a great believer, that if this kind of book is written by authors who have experienced what they write about, they are more believable and helpful. With the credence of being a published author, I stand more chance of getting this new book out there, to help others.
Having I DID TELL I DID published under a pseudonym, I had no choice. Now I do. This is my story, my life and something I am now, very proud of. I owe it to my wonderful husband and daughter and thank them for all the support they showed me in 2009, 2016 and continue to show today.
Thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 