During this journey with PC, one I had no idea I would ever travel, I have learned the importance of having all the facts. Being told all of the truth. Facts, honestly told, become knowledge and knowledge changes our perception, our mind-set and influences our decisions. Honesty and truthfulness are characteristics I live my life by. Mostly it has paid off, sometimes I have lost out. But more of that later.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing they say. For me, for us, it certainly was when David was first diagnosed. We ‘knew’ he had PC and that it was a ‘safe’ cancer. People said things to make us stop worrying, to help I suppose but it didn’t. It just lulled us into a false sense of security. We believed that it wasn’t a serious condition. That it didn’t spread. That men never died from PC, they might die with it, but it wouldn’t be the cause of death. It didn’t shorten your life, you won’t always know you have it. It is an old man’s disease, so in light of all of this ‘knowledge’ David would be okay. So we had been talking, at that stage, of leaving things alone, doing nothing. There was no importance put on his diagnosis, we thought. But the untruths we ‘knew’ the ‘lies’ about this cancer with a little ‘c’ almost made us do nothing. Oh how glad I am that I began to doubt these things, I wanted and needed to know the truth, so that I could cope with it, however bad. I needed to be prepared, to know. So the real truth, was what I went seeking. The ‘truth’ we ‘knew’ was actually a kind of ‘lie’. So the research for the truth, the actual facts, of this nasty disease began.
I joined groups on social media who knew about PC, people who had actually been there or were still there. This is where I always look for facts. Nobody can actually talk about a subject and say they ‘know’ unless they know! Unless they have been there, told the story and got the T-shirt so to speak. In our case, the man badge. We learned that PC can and does kill. That it is always a condition to take seriously. I read of horrific statistics and also learned of a failure in the awareness of this horrid blight that had attacked my husband and therefore me. I learned that many men did die, do die, usually those who knew nothing about PC, nothing about a condition, a disease that kills more men that breast cancer kills women. Some who had been misdiagnosed or diagnosed too late. How did this happen? How were we not aware? Why had we not read about something so blatantly worrying and scary? This is the knowledge we should all have, this is the honesty, the truth we should all be told. Ignorance, in cases such as this disease, is not bliss. It is dangerous, life threatening and unnecessary. I am so grateful for groups like these on FB, I have learned so much. Yes I did sometimes want to ‘un know’, to ‘un hear’, to ‘un learn’, of course I did but knowledge it a great asset in making informed decisions.
So the truth in this case was imperative. People speaking honestly and openly on here was priceless. Without the groups input, who knows where we would be today. So thanks everyone. I will continue to blog on here about our journey as I don’t think it is ever over. Yes we are getting undetectable in our, or rather David’s PSA tests but the legacy of the trauma of cancer remains, at least it does for me. I have spoken on here about my worry every time David feels unwell, has a pain etc. because until his first routine PSA test, he had never been ill. Had 1 sick day in 40 years for the MOD. So yes I worry now. Whatever hits us in the future, I will still want honesty and truth from those looking after us, the only way I can make sense of anything, is by knowing the truth.
When I began blogging my bywords were ‘Tell it as it is’. I have done and that and will continue. I have nothing to hide and very soon, another part of my life will be made public. Something I am very proud of. Something again, family tried to ruin for me but did not succeed. Watch this space!
If you want to read fiction, lies or untruths, then please read no further. Scroll past. I write as I feel, not intellectually, but full of emotion, of memories, thoughts and feelings and yes, truth. I have always written this way, the only way I know how. I have said before, it is therapeutic to write things down, a way of making sense of the sometimes nonsensical. So here I am.
But before carrying on, I would like to thank everyone who has commented either on my blogs or my April 30th post, which was an explanation of the previous blog. I am so pleased none have been offended by the post it referred to. I began blogging a few years ago, a way of explaining things that were ‘mentioned’ in passing on social media by myself or others. It was also a way of letting family, living far from me,who had been either stopped from writing to me or estranged through lies and stories, about me and my life, my way of telling ‘it as it is’. I do talk of my children, my grandchildren because they are my family. Because they have made my memories. Because they are a huge part of my life, but now my past. I am still sharing old photos as they come up in ‘our memories’ part of FB and will continue to do so, even though I have been ‘told’ not to. My memories. My past. Our truths and our memories. My blog and my page. Nothing will change that.
It was my need for honesty and truth, my inability to lie for my daughter on an official adoption form, that instigated the break with her. In 2013,after travelling 5 hours in total, renting a room, to make a statement to a Social Worker, about our relationship, my daughter Lisa’s and mine, our closeness and my then becoming her pivotal support after her adopting a little girl. Something I was so looking forward to, Lisa blocked me. I had criticized her on the phone about something and before I had signed the statement that then, because of her blocking me, became a huge lie. I couldn’t sign it because it was no longer true. She wouldn’t talk to me, email me or anything. I was blocked from her and my grandchildren’s lives. How does that make us close? How could I then sign something that was glowing in my opinion of her and talked of our love for each other, our mutual respect and support and regular contact? So signing something, that would leave me culpable and responsible for her future actions, I couldn’t sign. It made no difference to the adoption because I had made sure of that, but she has made it like it did. So honesty has indeed cost me a great deal.
Having grown up in a dysfunctional family where my ‘mother’ was stranger to the truth, I made a promise that I would never lie. Having seen the damage done by being dishonest, by hiding the truth, by lying, I was determined this wouldn’t be how I would conduct my life. So please expect raw, open, frank writing. My perspective. My life. My Truth. If you are always honest you have no fear of being found out. You also don’t have to remember everything you say, because you were there, you experienced it. Your truth. I don’t talk of things I don’t know to be true, I don’t pass judgment and don’t believe, unless I have all of the facts.
I have heard of things said about me, by my daughter and sister, captions placed on pictures that are derogatory to me but have left it alone. Thought I was bigger than that and that I was all hurt out. How wrong was I. They have now lowered to depths of stories that are dangerous and contain libel, criminal acts and involve others. I am writing on here because I have nothing to hide or prove but hope those involved will read this and back off. If the other people talked about, in the latest lies, find out, I am not responsible for anything they do.
After last weeks blog, at a time I really thought all the horrid stuff, that has bombarded me in emails etc. since 2013, had stopped, that they had hurt me all they could and had now run out of ways to do this. Wallop! It starts again. I said in last weeks blog that most of the ‘sad’ was over. How wrong was I! After writing last Sunday, I received an email from my eldest daughter, Lisa, that saw me hit rock bottom. Even when you know things to be untrue, fabricated to hurt you, stories and lies that are nasty beyond belief, they still have the power to knock you off your feet. In this case, what she wrote, stories she told me, lies retold to family, told her by someone who had no part in our life throughout the timeline these lies were about, has rendered me lower than I would have thought possible. Not because of the made up, vicious, untrue stories; but the fact that she has believed them, told others of them and dragged my name through the worst of mud imaginable. Has also ruined the reputation of others in the process of trying to ruin me. When will it end! Yes I talk of her on here, but only ever the truth. Because the blog is mainly about PC, it doesn’t mean the other nasties in my life are not present. PC is one of the blights in my life, one I am now coping with. Seeing David so well and happy, has helped me with this. But these ‘people’ did not stop when they knew he had cancer, they never let up and it appears, never will. So I write about my life, including family stuff on here, that is my only way of explaining myself or defending, against the lies that have been told over the last few years. Knowing that my daughter Lisa and my sister Trisha, have spent years undermining me and libeling me to anyone who will listen to them, making my family for a while, listen and believe the lies, now makes sense. Now, I had hoped, everyone knows the truth, has seen these two ‘women’ for what they are, no input from me. They did all of it to themselves, through their dishonesty and things had settled down. But dishonesty breeds dishonesty and the lies are getting more fantastical. Would make a great fiction novel, the farcical stories I have now found out, been told, would be laughable if they were not so cruel and damaging. I made it impossible for her to read my blog but she obviously does, to be able to write and tell me of the content. I didn’t do this because I have anything to hide, because I know everything I write is how it is. The truth. I did it to be able to vent and write out my anger, my sadness and my fears on here without nasty comments from her. I never realised that she could make up names, in this instance one of her dogs names, go onto Social media and read my blog and posts anyway.
Those trying to hurt me still, are incredibly stupid but also evil. A few years ago, being the victim of a horrible internet hoax around CSA, I had a saying. ‘when evil and stupidity meet, ‘yer gonna get caught’. Caught they were. In this instance, current family stuff, last weeks email, the lies are so incredible that anyone with a brain, with the ability to follow a timeline, would see how ludicrous these stories are. So why am I upset? Because firstly my daughter believed them. Secondly she spread them around. Lies or not, once spoken mud sticks. This is the latest of the nasty acts of bullying and cruelty thrown at me so why shouldn’t I speak of them on here, even though she has ‘told me’ not to? I have nothing to hide. If those involved want me to speak well of them, perhaps they should behave better, now and in the past. If I hear anymore of these lies from anyone, I will expose those who are continuing to inflict hurt on me and my family and take action. Will have no choice. I can, as always, only speak for me, but I can imagine the hurt , confusion and pain caused to the other people mentioned in these lies, how it feels to have your memories stolen from you with lies and dishonesty. How your whole life now seems to have huge doubts in it. How you can even wonder who you really are. Lies about parentage, can cause distress and leave legacies forever. Oh how I know this to be true! My daughter has been told lies that have made her doubt her parentage, I really can’t believe this, as the person telling her, was nowhere in her life for almost 40 years. Trisha has stolen Lisa’s heritage and birthright with lies. Lisa has stolen my grandchildren’s heritage, their birthright by retelling these horrendous lies and now they must doubt their own life line. All of it made up to be not as it really is. Unforgivable. But the one things they cannot steal are our memories, things we shared, times we loved. The truth.
As the saying above says about truth , ‘it always floats to the top’. The oil will eventually dry up and I hope then, questions will be asked and answered with the truth.
In the first part of this blog, we thought we knew the truth about PC. Things we had previously read, the facts, but evidently we didn’t. Having half or none of the information, the decisions we may have made, could have been catastrophic.
The second part of today’s blog, was my looking for the truth, about PC. I had a need to know the facts, find them out, discover the truth of how it was, this disease. I was concerned as to what I had read and been told so decided to research PC, look at statistics and outcomes. With this awful threat to my beloved husband’s life, the fear of the unknown, then having all of the truth in detail, we were able to make an informed correct decision.
In the third part of the blog, lies have been told that I have only just discovered. I had heard a while ago of the outlandish stories spread by my sister to my daughter and then to the whole family. Lies that were cruel and nasty but these latest stories are way out there. So much worse and so much more damaging. Opinions were formed on these lies because no one knew the facts. I was not around to tell them how it actually was, I was the only one who really knew what happened in my life as I was the only one there, the only one living it. I knew the truth, others didn’t. The same is true of the latest lies. Forming opinions without the facts, is very harmful to others, dangerous and hurtful to anyone else affected by the lies. In all three of the parts of my blog, no matter how hard you work to depress it, the oil will always float to the top. The truth will out.
Thankyou for reading and watch this space x
carolannwright 