This past week has seen me looking back, not just on my life in general but how the most valued of gifts we have to share or to give, is Time. For me I realised that much of mine, these past few years in particular, has been tainted, stolen and lost. Every-one of us, has had it stolen from our lives in one way or another and I think, for me at least, it is my own time to put this right. Using my memories from inside my mind.
Since 2016, our life ‘here on the farm’ has been cancer ridden. Cancer driven if you like. David had his first Prostate cancer test and the world was turned upside down. Many months were lost to worry, fear and the ‘what ifs’. 2017 saw the diagnosis finally showing that the threat of cancer, my fear of this nasty disease, had come to fruition. My darling husband had PC and there was nothing I could do about it. I thought my life had stopped. My world turned on its head. I wanted to un-know the words the consultant had uttered. I wanted to go back in time to my ‘happy’, to our magical life but I couldn’t. I wasted so much time, worrying, fearing the worst, terrified that I would lose him. Lose the man who loved me, cared for me and was my rock. I was once told that time is one of our most precious gifts. Many of us squander it, thinking we have so much more left. Sometimes we don’t, have time I mean. It’s like a bank account where we don’t know the balance but unlike bank accounts, although we can take out of it, we can never invest into it. Then, one-day, we realise that the balance is nil. Too late.
How much of this precious commodity is lost, wasted, worrying and waiting. Every PC sufferer and partner knows the pain of waiting. For me it was one of the worst parts of the whole journey, waiting. Worrying and the ‘what ’ifs’ came thick and fast. All of my time, during this horrid year that I shared on here, for everyone to see, I now see as time taken from me in the guise of a disease that is both cruel and anxiety driven.
I read on here, of PC sufferers working through their bucket lists and hope they all achieve their goals. I read of Mark Bradford, a man with incurable PC and who is dying in full view of his friends on here. How courageous is he. An inspiration to us all. I admire and love this man although I have never met him. His faith has pulled him through the best and worst of times and he has taken us with him throughout his own personal journey and I for one, am proud to share a little of this part of his life. The one thing Mark does not take for granted or waste, is time. He is ‘dying’ so very well with huge spirit, courage, dignity and faith. He has spent the time he has, doing all the things he wanted to do, making memories for those left behind, his wife Sharon and his friends. Memories that will linger for years and I am sure at times, we will all be able to smile and be glad that he had given us these. Wasting time is not on Mark’s agenda. He values life, his strong faith helps him and he is grateful for that and so am I.
I had lost all of my faith over the years. Once a church choir girl for more than 16 years, a woman who brought her children up as Christians, I lost my belief but now, watching and sharing Mark’s last months or years, I have regained some faith and with the cross pendant he made and sent me, under my pillow, I pray each night as I did as a child. Thankyou my friend. Love you Mark.
During these past few years, as well as PC, the worry that had hit our lives like a thunderbolt, I had spent too much time invested in my eldest daughter Lisa, at first trying to put things right, then trying to stop her vendetta against me but to no avail. Time I should have spent caring for my husband. Spending quality time with him, instead of wasting it on someone who hasn’t deserved anything from me these past years. Just because ‘she is my daughter’. Losing her, at her instigation, she made it impossible for me to be Nan to my grandchildren, whose lives I had been part of for more than 20 years. She also alienated me from Tony’s family with lies and stories. Lost time I will never retrieve, time during which I could have made new memories with them but haven’t had the chance. No one has the right to deny me memories that could have been or deny them to anyone else, in this case my grandsons Harrison and Jordan and granddaughter Hannah. But those years are lost forever, again because of someone’s selfishness. Sometimes, just because they are ‘family’, we allow people to do this to us. Would we have allowed anyone else to deny us, steal our time from those we love? Would I have wasted it on anyone else? Would I have taken the lies, the deceit, the pain and the worry, if anyone outside of my family had shown such betrayal and hurt? No of course I wouldn’t. So much of those few years, full of hurt, lies, betrayal and destruction of everything I loved, had been spent fighting against her and her aunt. Wasted, lost time. Stolen time.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret having her, bringing her up of course I don’t. The early years, when she was my Blessing, we were incredibly happy the two of us, I have never and will never forget those years. Being a first time mum to this beautiful little girl was the biggest and best thing that had ever happened to me. I loved her and tried to teach her right from wrong and thought I had succeeded. We had so much fun and those are memories I store within my heart, deep in the regions of my mind. No one can steal those from me. If she had not been brought up in love and honesty, kindness and empathy and shown how to keep house, treat others etc. I would not have done my job properly as a Mum. So none of that time was wasted, I loved every minute. But not the last few years, they have been wasted, time lost once again. I can’t afford to spend any more time trying to get her back into my family. She knows where I am.
This past year, the betrayal took a different turn, against my beloved brother as I had told in my blogs, more time spent trying to get her to make things right with him, but she didn’t. This was possibly the greatest loss in my opinion, the biggest amount of precious time stolen from all of us, Tony’s last year. He was dying and because of the cruelty of my daughter and his sister, his last year was fraught, with hurt and a sense of disloyalty and betrayal. For that, as I have told on here, I felt so much guilt, because all of this, was at the hands of my own daughter. As mums, I think we always feel guilty if our children do wrong don’t we? So 2017 was another lost year and one Tony did not deserve. Time stolen from him, from his family and from me. His death broke my heart and ended a year I would like to forget. But time none of us will have with him again.
The reason this past week has had me thinking about time, is this. Around 20 years ago, I met up with someone I had earlier in my life, discovered was my half-brother. Without going into details on here, I had been told, when I was seventeen and ‘courting’ this young man, to keep away from him and his 3 brothers, because they wanted nothing to do with me. That was the time when this discovery was made. We were obviously devastated and shocked and did not see each other for many years at the insistence of my mother. 20 years ago, his Mum, my Godmother, died and I wanted to go to her funeral and say my goodbye as she had been very good to me as a little girl. I tried to quietly and discreetly walk back to my car after the service, without being seen, but I was noticed by someone who knew me but didn’t know I was related to this lovely ladies’ sons. That began a time in my life that I treasure. I was reunited with my half -brother, his brothers and found I actually had been wanted. That on family occasions, the boys had talked of me, wondered what had become of me and wished I had been part of their lives, their sister. They, or rather the man I am talking about, welcomed me back into a family I had never known. All through the years I thought I was hated, I was actually wanted and loved by this family I had no contact with. It’s a long story and won’t bore you with the details. But wanted I was and had always been. I knew nothing of the brother’s lives, their wives, their children. I had lost all the growing up years of my niece and nephews lives. Lost all that time when I could have been a sister and an aunt. Stolen from me by someone who wanted us to be estranged to satisfy their own selfish wants. Years I will never be able to get back.
BUT.
On Wednesday of this past week, after talking to my grown up niece for more than 9 years on Social Media, since my autobiography was published, I met her for real. It was amazing. I was extremely nervous, changing my mind over and over on what I should wear. Worrying that I would be a disappointment. Scared she wouldn’t like me. I found she had had the same fears. We had wasted time worrying, because when we finally met, it was as though we had known each other all of our lives. An amazing incredible day and I am so grateful to have increased my family once again. So yes, I wish I had known her since she was born but I didn’t and I will not waste any-more time on regretting that but use it wisely to appreciate that she is now in my life.
What I have learned this past week is that maybe I have lost huge parts of my life, my time. Childhood stolen from me by an abuser. Years from the age of 17,time where I could have been within a family who loved me. Time with my daughter and grandchildren, all stolen from me. So maybe I have lost a great deal of time, wasted a great deal of time but no more. From today, with a new niece in my life, my family on my brother Tony’s side, back in my life, I intend to make memories in whatever time I have left.
This young woman, my niece and my FB friend Mark, live their lives to the full. Like Mark, my niece does not enjoy good health and has many physical issues that could stop her living her life to the full. But does it? Never! She has been abseiling, zip wiring etc. things I would never have the courage to do. I have known people throughout my life who despite their problems, never allowed that to stop them. People who appreciated that time is precious, limited and should be used wisely. My late brother and late best friend Mo, lived for the moment as long as they could and I intend to do the same. So, like many, I have lost, had stolen or wasted, much of my life and now realise, my time now is precious. That my bank account, although diminished, is still in the black and I need to spend it wisely. I have wonderful people around me and my home is full of love. Those wanting to share my life are very welcome, I can’t spend time worrying about those who choose not to. Don’t have the luxury of limitless time.
Thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 
It’s a small world. Your life has many familiar tones to mine, I almost feel we’re related, I know we’re not, but I don’t believe in chance, there’s someone, maybe God, who controls the people we come across in our short lives. And when. I came across you now, due to my husband’s diagnosis, yet reading your blogs makes me feel I have met a kindred spirit. Thankyou for writing, you’ve already reduced my fear and set me free. Thankyou.
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Hi Diane. You don’t know how your comment makes me feel. I began blogging just before my husband was diagnosed. After he was ,my world was turned on its head. I was overwhelmed as you possibly can tell if you have read earlier blogs. I wanted to write how PC, the cancer I call the couples cancer, affects us, the partners and wives. I wasn’t ready for the response. So many women identified with how I was feeling, so writing it has been so worthwhile. However, your comment is different, it seems we share a common bond. I am glad this particular blog has helped you and Thankyou again. Who knows, perhaps we are related xx
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