I have had reason this week, to give a regular visitor to our lives, an enemy, a great deal of presence in my mind. It is a thief of time, a vandal that I have written about many times on here before. In a way, it is the reason I blog. It steals our time, our happy, our peace of mind. Yes cancer, with a little ‘c’ or a big one, it is always the enemy. It barges unannounced, uninvited into our lives and the lives of those we love. Tramples over our plans, our loves, our hopes and our dreams and sometimes, for some, our futures. It is all-consuming when it is present, over whelming , terrifying and draining. Everything we do, everything we think about, is tainted by the thoughts it brings. By the anticipated grief it could leave us with. The very word conjours up fear of the worst kind and takes over every ounce of our being, every second of our lives.
And then its gone. Stopped. Leaving a huge gaping void. Sometimes filled with pain, and fear of a different kind. Emptiness like we have never known. If it has stolen someone from our life, the grief can be horrendous. If we have beaten it, the gap is still there, as big but different in an obvious way. Whichever way it goes, it leaves the question. Where now? What do we do now? It sometimes leaves spaces that are impossible to fill. Sometimes leaving us confused and alone. But for some, me included, the absence of this nasty beast, should be joyous but for some reason this is not always the case. The disease that is cancer, has taken up most of our life’s daily thought process. Taken up most of our routine. Oh how much it steals from us. Leaving us in a place we don’t always recognize.All the time spent worrying, being afraid was now empty. A good empty you would think, but I for one, am not always sure what to do with this new ’empty’. Feels strange. It leave me with the ‘what now’s’?
A few years ago, my eldest daughter Lisa, aged around 17, had been heartbroken by her then boyfriend, after they had split up, and she was crying, she said she missed him so very much. My youngest daughter,Marie, knowing that this relationship had not been very good, said matter of factly, ‘ yes but you miss toothache’ Oh how wise was she!
One of the worst legacies of cancer, for me at least, is the mind’s ability to make mountains out of mole hills. After David had PC and although now, he is cancer free, I find myself very aware, of how my mind quickly jumps to the wrong conclusion. How it makes mountains out of mole hills. Every ache or pain I know David is feeling, makes my heart beat faster and I find myself back to the ‘what ‘ifs’. He had a skin cancer years ago and had it removed. Last year he had another one removed, on his face. It didn’t heal and came back, this time he had to have removal surgery followed by plastic surgery, January of this year. Whilst waiting for the results, the pathology, my mind had gone into overdrive. Is it back this time and won’t be curable? Will he keep getting them? Will it be malignant? Will it have spread? Friday last, we had to go back to see the oncologist and I was secretly very scared. Life had dealt us many blows these past few years, we had survived PC and surgery but I was very scared pre this last appointment. Perhaps cancer makes you always expect the worst. My ‘norm’ that was worry, was having a field day. But thankfully there had been no need for any of the worry, he had clear margins and the cancer had gone. ‘Clear margins’ music to my ears.I could have kissed the young consultant but restrained myself.
As I said, life had not been kind to us these past 6 years, and I had become a pessimist of the highest order. Over these past few years I have lost a best friend, a close friend had lost her husband far too young, I had lost a sister and a brother, all to the evil that is cancer. We have also lost a brother and a sister on David’s side to tumours, cancerous. My little dog Ellie Mae has mammary cancer and has had surgery but nothing else can be done. Just a matter of time. I suppose that is why I think the worst all the time, but I am not alone in these feelings and fears. Many on here are the same. They write and tell us and we share their pain, comfort them if we can, encourage them and support them. I also know that many who lose those they have loved and some, who like me are fortunate enough to have our men as survivors, still feel this strange void where the worry once was. For the duration of the beast being in our lives, we are carried along on the waves, waxing and waning between fear, anxiety, pain and despair and if we are very lucky, ultimately relief.
A positive legacy of being post PC, is, that for me at least, I am more aware of other people’s struggles with this disease.I read about it and try hard to make positive comments. If I can’t, I say nothing. But I always read everything on all of my groups, with more diligence than before David had the all clear, but still read it all. In the time after diagnosis and sometimes now, it’s as though my ears hear the word and I hone in on the conversation. My eyes see the word in print and I have to read the story or the information. After Diagnosis, my mind was like a magnet, pulling anything and everything cancer related towards it. I woke up with it, lived in it all day, dreamt about it when I was fortunate enough to sleep. It was, as I said, all-consuming. Every minute of every day, cancer was in the forefront of my mind. These past few weeks, it was back. Friday I hope was its last appearance, time to shut the gate so to speak. Cancer free was how it was now. How it has to be.
I say David HAD cancer, not that he has it. I hope with every ounce of my being that I am not tempting fate. I hope we have been among the lucky ones where cancer has gone. That we fought the nasty fight and lived to tell the tale. I am trying to relax in this knowledge, enjoy life as I had been before it all went so terribly wrong. Trying but with little success. Life should be good now , shouldn’t it.
But there’s the rub. What now? Can we afford to be complacent? I used to look for the worry button, to be able to switch it off. Now it’s off and I keep hearing myself say ‘what now?’ I feel slightly empty, I know that sounds odd and possibly a bit ungrateful but worry had become my second nature. Life had been cruel these past years and I suppose worry became the norm. So I keep thinking, now what?
In 2010 we moved to beautiful West Wales. David and I were wonderfully happy, with Marie our daughter, having come with us, our horses and ponies cats and dogs, life was good. But life has a habit of slapping you in the face when we least expect it and slapping it did, in force. I have talked about this in earlier blogs but will briefly re iterate. The first 2 years here ‘on the farm’ were amazing except that sadly they brought the death of the lady I called ‘Mum’. This was a great loss in my life and that of her family.I thought that her death would be the only blight of my new exciting life here in Wales.The only thing missing were family, mostly my eldest daughter Lisa.She was still living in Hampshire with her 2 sons, Harry and Jordan, my grandsons and was about to adopt a foster baby she had had since the little girl’s birth. I was to have another grandchild and that was a lovely thought. The same year,2012, I watched my best friend fight for her life against this evil that is cancer, she lost and I lost the nicest, funniest, warmest person I felt privileged to call my friend. In 2014 my eldest sister Georgina, succumbed to the same evil disease. Watching how the nasties this illness can throw at you, stole her from her family and me, was awful. 2013 brought heartache like I had never known, Lisa shut me out of her life and I lost my grandsons and granddaughter but mostly lost my firstborn child. Marie who has Graves disease became very ill and had to have radical treatment for her thyroid problem. My brother Tony was ill with lung cancer and it was not curable. I had health issues that are now ongoing and a great friend of mine since teenage years, was also, fighting this horrible disease. 2015 saw the death of my husband ‘s youngest brother to a brain tumour. 2016 brought online bullying from my eldest daughter and youngest sister that rendered me very unwell and unable to work. Between them they tried hard to ruin my reputation and my professional working life. Although a blip, they did not succeed. Late that year Davids eldest sister died from cancer. 2017 found us in the heights of fear with David being diagnosed with PC. Tony being told his cancer was terminal and that he had about a year. My son had Gullian Barr disease and Crohns and was paralysed for many months. He has since recovered. 2018, Sadly Tony lost his fight and broke our hearts. Still not used to him not being in my life anymore. Our little dog also had cancer surgery and is now on borrowed time. David had surgery for PC and recently skin cancer and is now cancer free, in both cases. But the worry these times brought are hard to lose.
So now should be a time of relief. A happy time. But that is how it was when we first came here, almost 9 years ago. I am scared of becoming complacent, smug. Life was good in the ‘before.’ Before the family deaths, the loss of friends. Before the painful time at the hands of my daughter and sister. In the days, before the cancer fog of fear and pain, before our once peaceful wonderful life, became full of worry. Should I remain alert? Should I stay in the fear place that had become my norm?
I don’t think so!
Yes, life has slapped us in the face over and over these past 6 years but we are hoping that It has now run out of ‘slap’!
What all of this has shown me is, that illness, cancer, steals so much of our time that we need to appreciate every minute.We need to appreciate what we have, love those around us and show them and tell them we love them. We need not to let anything steal time from us and not waste it on things that are unimportant. I feel life has dealt us some nasty blows but from today I plan to enjoy every minute.Spend my time making David happy and feeling loved. One-day perhaps, life will be complete for me, my eldest daughter and grandsons may return to my life. It is not about forgetting what has happened, it is not about forgiving. It is about unconditional love of a mum for her child.I will try once more to make this happen. Hoping but not hopeful.
Perhaps this is a second chance, if so I am grateful for that second chance. A chance to use my time more wisely. To spend the rest of my life, however long or short, being the person I have always tried to be. Good, kind, funny,loving and most of all honest. I will use it to shower love on those who love me and whom I love and share it with those I want to share it with, whether wanted or not in some cases. I will do my professional job to the best of my ability and try to live an honest life. Whatever happens in my day-to-day life, I will continue to be grateful, and always try to leave people smiling.
I will try not to think of the ‘what ifs,’ the ‘what next’s’ and just Be. Nothing is more precious in life than time, I don’t intend to waste anymore of mine. Spend yours wisely.
Thankyou for reading xx
carolannwright 