This past week I have been writing an article on change. The basics of my professional model of Psychotherapy CBT and it has made me aware of how I have changed permanently and temporarily. Especially over the past few years. I used to doubt that people can fundamentally change but during my training I learned that this is a vital part of clients moving forward during treatment. At least, changing how they view things in their lives, how their thought process affects their emotions and thus their behavior. Sometimes people can get a kind of ‘payback’ for staying where they are in their life, they become reluctant to work with me to bring about these changes. Happy with where they find themselves but they also know that areas of their lives, are dysfunctional, that is where therapy comes in. But only of the client sees more positives in bringing about change and the payback they get doesn’t stop them. Changing your thought patterns will bring about change of behaviour, usually for the better. During therapy we explore how clients are thinking, it is usually in a negative manner, that is what brought them in to me in most cases, thus bringing negative emotions, sadness, anger, disinterest and/or unsociable behavior. The negative thinking leaves them sad, angry, hurt or brings low self-esteem. Their emotions then influence the clients behavior. Once we have changed the thought , the emotion changes and ultimately so does the behavior. Most of the time, the negative thought patterns, happen in total unawareness of the client. What I mean is, they do not realise that anything has changed, are sometimes so low that it has become their norm to think negatively, thus feeling low and behaving in a way that adversely affects their lives, in a way that becomes dysfunctional. Thinking in a positive manner will bring about positive change. I know from my work this is always for the better. So I believe that we can change how we live and become much more positive. Positive thoughts, bring good emotions and therefore positive behavior.
Until a few years ago, I was a, strong woman, a Health Professional, a wife and mother and carer for many animals. I did public speaking a few years ago, went through college for a 2nd time in my 50’s and University for the first time gaining a Master of Arts. Capable,strong and self-assured. I wrote my autobiography based on a life of CSA and continued writing as a second career alongside my Private Practice.
How then did I become the weak, vulnerable , terrified person I have been these past few years? How did I become someone who shed tears, something not done for more years than was healthy? Sensitive beyond understanding and scared of my own shadow. Where did Carol Ann disappear to during that time and where does she go, now and again, even today? I don’t have answers to these questions but have a theory.
CBT Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy, is the only proven and researched Psychotherapy and I know from the work I have done, it works. The model states that our thought process governs our emotions and therefore affects are behavior. Right? That means that I must have had negative thoughts throughout the past few years. Bullying from family and ultimately my beloved David having cancer with a little ‘c’. Prostate cancer, affected me in a way I had not thought possible. During this time I was allowing my thoughts to become negative, didn’t mean to, just happened. Three years of emotional cruelty and bullying from my daughter and sister, rendered me very low. Then on top of that David being diagnosed, out of the blue with cancer, seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. Wives and partners of men with PC will know what I am talking about. Any cancer sufferer can possibly identify with me here. When the word ‘cancer’ is said, out loud, about the person you love, thinking in a positive way, just doesn’t happen. There is nothing positive to think of, nothing positive to say. My thoughts became, unrequested, negative with a capital N. Yes we try to stay positive but I know I failed, every time. I would sit and try hard to remember what I say to clients, how I use my model of therapy but as I have said before ‘physician heal thyself’ does not work. Doesn’t come close. I already knew at that stage that my brother had cancer and was dying, my eldest sister had died of cancer so the very word sent fear into every fibre of my being. Fear was my constant companion.
During every onslaught by family, I would sit down and try to make sense of their behavior and turn any negative thinking their actions had instigated in me, into a positive. Of course I couldn’t. Then with David’s diagnosis, my mind was in overdrive. Every negative thought that was out there, came flooding into my head. I would catastrophise my thoughts. Losing sight of reality and rushing into a black hole of despair. My emotions then would have a field day. In my professional role, I know how that affects us but back then I didn’t have a clue. Feeling scared, sad, angry all at the same time I would retaliate against those trying to hurt me. I would write on social media, email responses to their emails that should not have been written and reacted instead of responded to others. My emotional self that was hurting , became the scared child I had once been and all common sense, thoughts of being positive went out the proverbial window. Negativity ran riot and I am now embarrassed by some of the things I did or said. I have said before that when I am sad or hurt, I often use anger. ‘angry is sad’s bodyguard’. But as I have always believed, the real me, the Carol Ann who cares about others, cares about her family and responds instead of reacting, can see the error of my ways. I have, as always believed of my clients, changed back. Change can be good but it can also be bad. But change in general, should be celebrated.These days when troubled thoughts, come into my already full head,I try to sit down before the emotions hit me and question the validity of the thoughts. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. This kind of thinking can hit me in the blink of an eye. A song, a tv programme or finding a photo that had been put away, then the thoughts bring the sadness and then I want to hide. But sometimes I can do a number on ME and succeed in changing the thoughts for a positive. So even now, I sometimes find myself struggling.
One of the ways I work with clients and now with Carol Ann, a tool or strategy I use, is that when aware of having negative thoughts, I consciously try to think of something good. Something that made me happy. A past good time or something good that happened and made me smile.When I can, the thought process changes how I am feeling and so the outcome is positive because it changes my behavior. Then I don’t need to hide.Sounds much easier than it is in reality but it does work.
There are natural changes in us as we grow older and some of these I have become all too aware of late. I know I have changed some for the better and some ways not so much. I feel more, am much more sensitive if that is possible. I appreciate more. I love more if that is possible. If it is ,that in itself is scary. I have become much more sensitive to everyone and everything in my life. I cry now, something missing from my life for more years than I care to remember.When my son was taken from me when I was so ill and adopted, I wasn’t able to cry. I cried over David last year, the thought of losing him, over and over, mostly on my own not to worry him. I cried buckets over my daughter Lisa, losing her and my grandchildren was unbearable. But I also remember certain occasions where I shed a tear in the past, something I have always felt hard to do. Being punished for tears as a child, I taught myself how not to cry.
There was a song on the radio today, ‘I Wasn’t Expecting That’ and a line touched me so much. ‘Took my heart by surprise’. Those are the times in my earlier life, that brought the tears. When each of my children were born, they took my heart by surprise. When Lisa crawled onto my lap and said ‘Love you Mummy’ for the first time, when she was a tiny little girl. When Marie, after all bad prognosis, walked for the first time, each time took my heart by surprise. One of the biggest surprises, one of the strongest emotions I have ever felt, was when my then son-in-law Paul, brought my first grandson Harrison, out of the operating theatre after my daughter Lisa,gave birth by caesarean, at a few minutes old, and placed him in my arms. The huge rush of love I felt, took my heart by surprise, I definitely wasn’t expecting that.When David asked me to marry him, I wasn’t expecting any of that.
But I have changed and now cry for good things more than I did, and bad things that render me so sad that I need to let the tears out; a good change. Seeing Marie and David walk down the aisle on her wedding, she was so beautiful and he so proud. But when I had the phone-call to say Tony had died, those tears were painful. At his funeral, listening to family at the service and later at the wake, having them take me back into the bosom of his family, ‘well I wasn’t expecting that’.
Each time I read of man in our groups who has lost his fight against cancer, I cry a few tears, it is as though I knew each and every one. Each death brings with it sadness but also gratitude that David was spared. Every day is a bonus for us now. Life has shown me so many changes over the past few years and left me shell-shocked at times. Most changes have been good, even if the bad ones had brought them to fruition. Most have been positive and those that weren’t, I hopefully am in the process of changing for the better. The one thing I am finding easier, is the abolition of the ‘F’ word. Staying positive can render that gone, most times at least.
So in my work and in my own life, I will embrace change, plunge in and join in the dance.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 