Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and with that in mind, my thoughts have strayed to Easters gone before, for me as a little girl and for me as a Mum and then wife. For more than 10 years of my younger life, I was a member of our local church choir. I had started singing with them, firstly I must admit to saying, as respite from my life at home. Going to church seemed safe, peaceful and friendly. I joined the choir at the request of the choir mistress and remained, for as I said, more than 10 years. I loved, singing, loved the services and just loved being part of this safe haven. I acquired Faith and hoped that what I was part of, was real. I believed back then that the bible stories were true and that belief in God was something that would keep me safe. My faith, over the years has been tested to say the least. For the whole of Lent, the church was devoid of flowers. The services were more somber but Palm Sunday, the week before Easter was joyous. We were allowed to place flowers in the church for Easter Saturday weddings but otherwise, we did not wear our white robes, the priest did not wear his cassock and the church seemed to be in mourning. Many couples were married on Easter Saturday back then and as a choir we were often asked to sing. I loved the weddings, the dresses, the ‘happy’. Then Easter Sunday arrived and along with it, the colour. The flowers, the robes, the altar cloths and everyone who came to services were dressed in their finery, which were mostly bright colourful clothes.
I had a close bond with my Nan on my mother’s side and she would always make little hats for us girls. I remember going on the bus with her to our local high street and buying skull caps from Woolworth’s and lots of silk flowers and ribbon. I loved these outings especially the pre Easter one, we both enjoyed our time together. On arriving home she would set to work transforming these goodies into beautiful colourful Easter bonnets for us to wear in church. I always loved mine and wore it with pride, to and from the church, changing into my robes for the service. Purples, yellows, pinks and blues adorning our heads. Pretty to say the least. Girls wore dresses much more back then, the effect of these bonnets would be lost on today’s girls and their jeans, hoodies etc. The Easter anthems we sang, carried our voices out into the more than often, sunny churchyard and everyone seemed to be smiling. Lovely happy memories. More important to me than the arrival ‘home’ and having chocolate eggs.
We began the day, as I remember with boiled eggs that we had painted the day before in food colouring, something I continued with my own daughters Lisa and Marie for many years of their childhood. Nan would have made a Simmel cake and little Easter buns. Another memory and another tradition I continued in my own family. Good Friday had already given us hot cross buns and in the early days, Nan would have baked them but later we bought them from the local shop, not as good as Nan’s. For those who know of my life, time with her was special and safe, although I was told to spend time with her often, as a way of not being included in family stuff. But little did anyone know how much these times meant to us both.
At church, Easter was a time for new beginnings. The Easter story, although beginning with sadness and loss, sacrifice and betrayal, it ended with a new life beginning. Good and a reason to rejoice after the bad and the need to mourn. That is in essence, my blog today.
When I became a Mum, I took my first daughter Lisa, to church in the early days and celebrated Easter as I had always done, with flowers, eggs etc. As my family grew I would colour the breakfast eggs and later, as they grew older, my daughters would paint pictures on their eggs. I hid chocolate eggs in the garden and they would hunt for them, often when very young, friends would join us. Easter was happy time, a time to celebrate the things to come. As Lisa was a brownie we often went to the Sunday service in our local church, always a happy time. I hope my eldest daughter continues traditions she learned as a little girl, with her own little girl and her sons. Easter is a time for new beginnings, new hope. A time to celebrate what we have and be grateful. A time for moving forward and making things right if we can, or accepting that the things we can’t change, we have to accept.
This past year has brought the greatest sadness to us ‘here on the farm’. Lots of worry, lots of fear and lots of loss. This time 1 year ago I wrote a blog ‘The Nasty Effects of the ‘F’ word in cancer’. The ‘F’ word being fear. And oh how scared was I. How much Fear did it bring into our home, into our lives. We had recently heard that my brother Tony had been given one year to live, in the January. Then my beloved husband having been diagnosed with PC, had surgery to remove the cancerous prostate in the February. My little dog had a tumour removed and her heart stopped. She is living on borrowed time.All of that brought fear that I had never known before. And believe me, I had known some. The blog mentioned above, was written 1 year ago and how life has changed, thank goodness. Sadly as you know, Tony my brother, my Big bear, lost his fight against cancer in January this year and he left a huge void in so many lives. Mine being one.His last year had seen betrayal from family members he trusted, made his time left so much harder than it should have been. In past blogs I explained how they had hurt him and how hard this was for all of us, his family.His death although expected was so hard to accept. I am still going to the phone to ring him. I am still not able to listen to a recoding of his voice. I still seem unable to actually accept he is no longer in my world. Life is different, everything seems different. My world seems a different place now without him in it..
Today though, I was remembering Easters as a child, with Tony having the biggest Easter egg, more Easter eggs than any of us and can still hear his laugh in my head and see his cheeky grin. It made me think of how cross he would be that I was still sad. How cross he would be if he could see how I had stopped living my life in full because of my loss. And he would tell me off , I know he would. So yes, I will try to mourn, grieve but won’t allow myself to continue to be consumed by his loss, so much so that I am not present for David or my family. He would be cross that I was not enjoying everything I have ‘here on the farm’, everything he loved. So it has to stop. Easter Day will bring about a change in me. It has to.
One of the positive things that have come along with all the worry and the pain of the past few years, is my realisation that we have no time to waste. That I for one, have wasted far too much already. Losing my brother, seeing so many deaths on my Prostate Cancer groups and hearing of a death of someone I knew years ago, has emphasized that. I know now, that life is always shorter than we might want. That people we expect to be with us all of our lives, can die. If you are religious as I once was, Good Friday was a huge loss, a death that was mourned and still is all over the world in places. Grief doesn’t just ‘go away’, I know that. But Easter brings a new beginning, a joy, a reason to celebrate life. We should all do that, even in our grief as hard as it is, we should all celebrate every day we have and show those around us how important life is. Every morning as we open our eyes, no matter what else is happening in our lives, we should take a breath and be grateful.
I have so much in my life to be thankful for. David survived surgery although, as I have said before, unbeknown to me, he didn’t think he would. He is cancer free or at least as free as they can say today. I have a wonderful daughter in Marie, my best friend and now a son-in-law who has shown us he is the right man for her. I am in constant touch with my son in Southampton and his wife. I am living in a beautiful place, surrounded by the magnificence of Mother Nature. Have an abundance of wildlife on our ponds and lake and ponies and horses in our paddocks. I am blessed to still have my 2 little dogs with me and my cats. In all I am a very lucky lady.
Things have changed these past few weeks, along with my inability to grieve, maybe too much is happening to prevent this. Marie Jason and her cats and ponies are now back here with us. Wasn’t what we planned but needs must. They are living in the static home, on our land, until we put ours on the market, later this year we hope. So on hold for now but that’s okay. I need to get my head and heart sorted before we make another move.
Life could be better, I acknowledge that. Although my son Jonathan is back in my life and I have family in Hampshire, I don’t get to see him or them very often, I miss being closer. Now I have my family back, I am in touch with all of them and for that I am so grateful. But life is what it is and in reality it is pretty good. Yes I still have to mourn my loss and will, I know, in time. I can’t suddenly be bright and happy but will try not to be sad and down. At least, not all the time as I have been. I have now accepted that my relationship with my eldest daughter Lisa is broken beyond repair. I did hope a few weeks ago that maybe it could be mended but know now that it can’t because she doesn’t want it mended. But whatever happens, I can’t spend the rest of my life dwelling on that. I am sure she doesn’t. Life is too important, time is too precious, I know that now and I cannot keep hankering after things I can’t make better.
Easter Sunday is going to be the beginning of the next chapter of my book. Funny really as it will mark the continuation of my writing, another book to add to my repertoire so to speak. Easter Monday is a day of resurrection, new life, new positives for us all I hope. My dream for this next chapter is to have the ‘happy’ back and I think I will begin the first chapter tomorrow. Another new journey to look forward to and this time I think I am on the right path. I think I am ready.
Happy Easter everyone and Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 