I was once told that life goes in circles. That I might find myself back where I started having faced the good and the bad life throws at me. These past few weeks that all makes sense and I believe it to be true. 8 years ago we arrived ‘here on the farm’, David, Marie, me and the dogs, ponies and cats. We were a small close family having had to leave some family in Hampshire 14 years previous to this move, to be with David in his job. That was the hardest thing for me, leaving Lisa, Harrison and Jordan my daughter and grandsons but they promised to visit often and we visited them as much as we could. She was married at that time and had talked of moving to Spain. So we, the three of us, became very close, looked after each other and looked out for each other and our animals. We were very happy. When we moved again, here to West Wales to enable us to have the horses and ponies living with us, life changed a bit but we, as a family, remained the same. To maintain some independence, our daughter lived in a static home on our drive that she loved. Just her and her 3 cats. Every night I would look out of my study window and stay there until her lights were out, then I knew she was safe and locked up. Yes she has ‘moved out’ but I still wanted to care for her and make sure she was safe. Life went on and after a disastrous relationship and loss of a baby, a very sad time for us all, she met and married Jason, moving onto a farm some way from us to begin a new project training therapy ponies. Then we became 2, David and I, our dogs and cats. First time on our own and it was good. Happy.
Marie became ill a few months ago and that meant she could not complete her project ,and was struggling to look after the ponies. At the same time, she found her home to be very damp, she had to move out. This past week has seen us working hard to prepare for the return of her and her family. Lock stock and barrel! We have frantically been clearing and cleaning the static, buying a tourer, for extra room and for her to shower and cook in; trying to finish unfinished jobs, that had been left when David had surgery and was recovering. Moving her ‘stuff’, from her farm and bringing it here to us. They are here now and although Marie is now not alone in the static, I found myself looking out of my study window last night, until her lights went out. Full circle. Very similar to how it was but different.
As you all know, those who are regular readers, life here changed in 2013 when I became estranged from my eldest daughter, her choice and I was shut out of her life. All of the things done to me by her, the lies and stories, rendered me ill and David had to look after me. It was him who held me while I cried myself to sleep at the nasty comments made on my social media, the damage she and my sister was doing to me and my reputation, or trying to. He cared for me, loved me, encouraged me to stay strong and listened while I went over and over what had happened, trying to make sense of it all. Then, a few years later it was my turn to look after David. When he was first diagnosed with Prostate Cancer I was terrified, he wasn’t, he just said that we will find out what we are facing, deal with it and face it all together. After surgery it was me who held him, me who listened to his fears and made the world seem kinder than it sometimes is .Now my wonderful husband is free from the nasty, the cancer with a little ‘c’ and for a while we rejoiced in this. But now, the circle has been turned back again, I have been diagnosed with an ‘syndrome’ that we know little about or about any dangers that go with it. I said in an earlier blog, that the symptoms came just before David had surgery, I put most of it down to stress after the few previous years that I have talked about on here. But it wasn’t and now I am having more symptoms. I have Left subclavian Steal Syndrome, It means that the subclavian artery is 80% blocked, restricting the blood flow to my left arm and hand. I get chest pain, numbness and tingling. They could operate but that apparently is dangerous and can cause stroke but not operating I believe, has its worries. I am in the process of having that investigated. So now the ‘what ifs’ return. The ‘f’ word is back as my companion. Another ‘circle’?
Maybe the beginning of an old circle returning, is throwing up worries of their own. I loved having Marie so close, as did David, we shared the horses and ponies, dogs and cats and had lots of fun, lots of family ‘stuff’. He loves her as much as I do, she is an amazing daughter. Whilst I am happy to have her back, I am obviously not happy at what brought her back. The latest illness she had, was scary and horrid to watch. She is now recovering. But having her back, brings its own worry. It’s own ‘what ifs’. The health scare I now have is left me teetering on the edge and left me scared once again. Not for myself but ‘what if’ she became ill again and I can’t look after her? Then ‘what if’ David is ill again, what if !what if! what if!!! Gone full circle back to the horrible worry of last year and the one before! The life circles are becoming repetitive. Worry. Illness. Fear. Worry. Illness. Fear. Cancer does that. Just the word alone and those of us who have been there, been traumatised in the way the illness can traumatise you, know that from that day, every little twinge, every little health scare, can send you back to that awful time. As I have said before, I call Prostate cancer the ‘couple’s cancer’ because it affects wives/partners as much as it does the man, but obviously for different reasons.
The last circle or two have been more of a roller coaster than a circular journey. The lows were lower and scarier than I could ever have imagined. Losing family, being lied about and maligned. The fear of losing David and then losing my beloved brother Tony. I was lower than I had ever been. I did ride the storms, I did it in every detail on here. I rose above the waves many times and it looked as though my battle was won. Then, like a thunderbolt, a circle meets again and I am thrown off kilter. There have been highs. Marie’s wedding was one such high, a beautiful affair and everyone had a lovely time. She made a beautiful bride. But the lows have outweighed the highs and I am hoping that a circle full of ‘happy’ will soon show its face.
The best ending to one of our circles was David having , again, undetectable PSA on his last 3 blood test results. Wow what a high!
So Life has come full circle, in as much as we are living ‘here on the farm’ and the lights are on in our static caravan, where Marie, Jason and her 5 cats have set up home. Only temporarily but that circle seems complete and makes me happy. I never wanted any situation to bring her back here as I believe she and her husband should live away from us. But she was ill and living in a home that was adding to her illness, we did what any parent would do and brought her home. Living there permanently is not going to happen, this is a temporary move. But their dearest wish is that when we move, downsize, we will buy a property with 2 homes and they can live on the same piece of land, albeit in a separate home. They want to be able to look after us when we grow old enough to need and accept their help. Such a lovely thought and think about it we will. Maybe the saying that if you set someone free they will come back to you, has its merits, perhaps that is the ultimate full circle.
So life has thrown curve balls at us, things no one should go through, especially the family stuff but we have survived. My family is smaller that envisaged, but growing again and in this respect my family circle is the same but different.
Life has indeed been a zig zag path and I have often nearly fallen off the cliff but I am still here to tell the tale. I wouldn’t want the full circle to take me back any further than before I met David. Far too much pain, worry and heartache in earlier life. He has tried so hard to keep me safe and me him. We will continue on that path.
I began one of the most important circles in my whole life, 32 years ago. That is still unbroken. It has been attacked from all of its circumference, all around, by various ‘enemies’. Illness, ‘family’ and more but it is still very much intact. David gave me a trio of silver Russian bracelets that represent the full unbreakable circle of love. I wear it constantly. My love, his love, with keep our circle strong no matter what life throws at us. We will endeavor to help anything on the inside flourish with life and love. For always the never-ending circle.
Thankyou for reading x
Postscript
You would think, that a year on and all would be fine, the circle still entact wouldn’t you. But no. Things change all the time don’t they, Marie and her little family have been here a year now. Jason, her 3 cobs and 5 cats, completing our family circle and it has been good. But things change as I said. The project Marie was embarking on before she became ill is now back on track and they will all be off again in April to begin this new adventure. It is very exciting and I am so proud of what she is doing. They won’t be too far from us or where we are currently, but it will seem very quiet ‘here on the farm’. We will still be looking to move, either to a 2 property home or one close to where she is.
Life is hard today but I will tell more about that next week, too sad at present to write it down, but tears are better written down and when they come, I will again write.
Things are the same with Lisa, my eldest, not for want of trying but that is how it is. Very sad but is what she wants so I have to accept it. The damage done over the past few years by her and my sister is irreparable and lasting but I would still make things right if I could. Once a Mum always a mum, unconditional love continues even if liking that child is hard.
Hope you guys are good.
carolannwright 