Like, many of the sufferers and partners of men with Prostate Cancer, I belong to a few groups on here. Some just for women, a necessary place to be able to share our inner thoughts and feelings. Others mixed groups, again, sharing this horrid journey, supporting others, showing empathy and compassion. Until David had PC. I had no idea of its nature and certainly wasn’t ready for how it would affect me. He had never been ill, apart from a few isolated Vasal Vagal attacks, had never been ill in bed or off work. PC came as a huge shock as you will certainly all understand. I joined PC Awareness first and was surprised at how open and friendly the group was. As time went on and I found myself struggling emotionally, I began this blog. Needed a place to vent, my anger, share my fears and tell how I felt in all my honesty. Life had been hard for reasons I have written about and the diagnosis of cancer was the final blow. I had a brother terminally ill with lung cancer, who sadly I have lost; had lost my sister to breast cancer, have a little dog with cancer and then my beloved husband. It all seemed too much. Other pressures, nastiness courtesy of my eldest daughter Lisa and my youngest sister had left me wanting. Already very low and then this final horrible blow. Life still deals its pain, life still continues on its path whether cancer affects you or not. Having been told of David’s illness didn’t suddenly stop all the other heartache, just pounded it further in.
My experience of the groups has been positive throughout. I have tried to comfort and encourage others on here, who, like me, were or are struggling. I have tried to write positively on the pages of the groups and replying in a kind way, if sometimes not very informative but that is possibly because I don’t have the knowledge others needed. I can only comment with what I know and what I have experienced. But I would never be unkind, judgmental or claim that how we dealt with PC is the only right way. My blogs are open, honest and tell my complete story as it happens, warts ‘n all.Everyone on these groups is fighting a battle. The same battle, in as much as their men or the men themselves have or had Prostate cancer. But. Every single one of us is unique. We all deal with things differently. The battle may be the same battle but is different for each of us. No one really knows what is happening in the lives of other members of the groups. Not really. We only know what is written in their posts. We don’t have the right to judge. We don’t have the right to tell them what choice to make. We don’t have the right to do anything except support and care. I believe in the power of the written word. That is why I am cross that some of the people I call my FB friends, have been hurt by the words of others. I don’t believe anyone writes on the groups to offend, hurt, embarrass or belittle anyone. Maybe the wording of some posts just come across as judgmental or harsh, maybe been misinterpreted which means we should choose our words carefully. But some have been hurt and offended and it needs to stop please. If you believe the choice you or your husband made is the right choice, remember it is the right choice for you. It may not be for other members. If you believe other treatments are not good treatments, again, that is your opinion and may not be another’s. Every word you write is scrutinised by many readers. Being told your way is the only way can scare others who have chosen another way. During this journey, this unwanted journey, we can be very sensitive, very fragile. We rest on every word written in our groups, read and re read many and can become confused as to what is best. If we have made the decision on treatment and are ‘told’ that it is not the best kind, our confidence in that treatment can be diminished. We can become even more afraid and this is not good for any of us. Fragility in this process is almost a definite. I believe, being a usually very strong lady, that we can be rendered vulnerable, fragile and seemingly weak. No matter how we were pre PC, we are not that person for a time during the PC battle.
What members need is compassion. Advice yes, but not ordered or said in a way that sounds as though the writer is telling you what to do. We all need, support in anything we say or think. Care and concern, definitely, sprinkled with a lot of love. But most of all we all need and deserve,respect. For the decisions we made, the pain we have been through or are going through. Respect for sharing our stories on here. Please everyone, show that in every comment you might make. If you can’t be kind and encouraging then maybe don’t say anything.
On another group, there has been a great deal written about using humour and being too upbeat. I love hearing about success stories and I have shared my husband’s results on my groups. I didn’t see the offending posts so can’t comment but hope at no time, if I have I used humour, that has caused another to feel hurt or upset.
There it is, my perspective of the past week on the groups. Let’s hope things improve as each and everyone’s comments are so important to our emotional health and wellbeing. We need these groups and the amazing, strong brave people in them. We are all in this together, worth remembering. Keep it up everyone.
Mother’s Day
This week, in the run up to Mother’s Day or Mothering Sunday, finds me with mixed emotions as I am sure it does many women on here. As a young mum of two daughters, it was such a lovely time, my little girls and then not so little, whispering to each other in corners, hiding things from me when I walked in the room. The actual day saw me spoiled with cards, flowers, sweets etc. and so much love from them both. To hear your child say ‘I love you Mum’, is the best. Every mum knows that, I hope. As young women, each of them continued the spoiling on my special day even after Lisa became a mum herself.
It was however tinged with a sadness I can’t describe. Full of regrets for things I had no control over. The loss of my sons’. One to adoption through a horrid time in my early womanhood and one a little later born sleeping. Throughout the years passed, I would imagine what they each would look like at certain ages. Wonder what Jonathan my son who was taken from me and adopted, was doing. What he liked, how he was doing at school etc. I was filled with pain and hurt. Mother’s Day was always so hard in between the happy with my daughters Lisa and Marie. I always hoped that Jonathan and his adoptive mum were close. That they shared a great love but then that would also bring envy that I wasn’t there, in his life. 22 years of his life, I lost and that is one of my biggest sources of pain. The little boy I lost to his illness before birth, I would and still do wonder about what kind of child and now man he would have been. So much sadness. Trying to hide that over the years was very hard.
Whether a pregnancy ends happily or not, you are still a mum. If the child grows up with you or not, you are still a mum. If a baby is lost through any means, the love and maternal bond is never really broken. Meeting my son Jonathan at the age of 22, and now having a close relationship with him proves that. In the earlier years, having two loving daughters helped with the pain and they showed me their love every day.
But life is different now. Marie is my closest woman friend, some say too close. She has shown over the years her love, support, loyalty and friendship. She is funny, beautiful, loving, clever, artistic and happy. Mother’s Day with her is always special. She and Jason her husband, will spend the day here, coming later this morning and stay all day. We will be busier this year as they are coming back here to live for a while, next week and so there is a lot to do.
But something is missing, something that can never change. My estrangement, at her instigation, with my eldest daughter, hurts as much today and it always has done. For almost 5 years now. She was my first child and special because of that. I hope her little girl and her two sons, my grandchildren make Mother’s Day as special for her as she helped make it for me in the past. Yes she has caused me pain that is beyond explanation and I don’t like her for what she has done to me and others. But today, as I write this in the early hours of the morning, I have so many regrets, along with many many memories. My love for her is still there and days like this my feelings are so confused. I shouldn’t love her. I don’t like what she has become but don’t wish her any harm.
So although things are sad at times, I have beautiful memories of my little girls as they grew up with me. Memories of special times, Mothering Sunday being one of those. Funny times, loving times, and special times of sharing their lives. I can call on them whenever I want and no one can steal them away from me. I share photos of them as children because whatever has happened over the years, those special memories are as real and true today and they have always been. As for my son, I am closer to him than I ever thought possible and for that I am so grateful.
Thank you for reading and if you are a Mum, enjoy your special day. x
carolannwright 