This is the blog I had meant to post last week but wasn’t up to it, having just said goodbye to Tony my brother. Events of the past week have prevented me from being on here for any length of time and so here is last week’s offering.
During the first year of blood tests, biopsies, scans etc. after David’s PC diagnosis, I read everything and anything I could to do with this cruel disease. I admit that my main fear was losing my beloved husband , my rock. I investigated the pro’s and cons of every treatment. I also read of the physical changes that were possible if he had surgery. The incontinence and the ED. Did they worry me back then? Yes of course they did. At least the incontinence did, as David is a very private person regarding such things. He is a very fastidious man and having such an issue concerned me that he wouldn’t cope. The ED, didn’t worry me very much.
The fear continued through our chosen treatment route and I was amazed at how well he dealt with everything thrown at him. We obviously, at that time, didn’t think about sex. Our intimate side, sexually, had been on hold for a little while because of my own health so it didn’t seem an issue. Now 1 year on, David is dry, well and healthy and back to being the man he was, but different, if that makes any sense. Our love was tried in the early years by illness and family stuff. The past 4 years, his support, love and strength have known no bounds and he has kept me going through all of the onslaught of my eldest daughter and youngest sister. Yes he has been more angry than I had thought possible but he kept me sane and kept me safe. Throughout all of that and the cancer with a little ‘c’, he has been steadfast and strong. We, as a couple kept ‘us’ safe and are stronger for it.
This past year of our journey with PC, we have been coping with the knowledge that my beloved brother was terminally ill. The other man in my life. My big bear Tony. The betrayal of my own daughter,Lisa, of this man who had always been there for us all, especially when she was a young child and young girl, hit hard. With all the lies about her parentage, the libelous stories made up and published on social media, made the last year, a year which found us fighting cancer, so much worse. One of the side effects, a good side effect but for the wrong reason, was that it gave me back the ability to cry. To shed tears. Oh how many tears I have shed. For David. For Lisa. For Tony and for me. I cried for what my beloved husband was having to go through. Cried for Tony, his suffering and the thought of losing him. Cried for the child I had loved and how she had grown up to be so cruel and inflict such pain in the last year of her uncle’s life and on me and my family here. Whilst shedding my tears, David would comfort me, hold me, love me through.Seeing the new vulnerability, our love became even stronger. The fear during this time, fear of losing the 2 men I loved most in the world, enabled me to tell them how I felt. I became someone I didn’t recognize. I had always been the strong one but now I was showing my weaker side. This allowed David to protect me, I could accept help from him, confide in him in away I hadn’t before. He had always been my rock but now was different, I leaned on him in a way I hadn’t before. During his surgery and post op we talked about things never discussed before. The intimacy needed for me to help him, was new to both of us.
I had always been a bit naive where the male body was concerned, because of my childhood abuse, it was not something I relished looking at or thinking about. I was a bit shy and yes, a bit scared, sex was never something I could openly talk about. Yes we had a healthy sex life but it was gentle and without humour. I couldn’t bring myself to see humour in anything sexy. I never felt comfortable laughing about sex or our bodies. Surprised we survived I suppose looking back.
Since surgery, things have been different. We have discovered a different closeness, a different way of being. I have been able to talk about body parts, sexual activity,different ways of sharing ourselves with intimate discussions, love and humour.This has surprised and amused my husband in equal measures. 32 years together and we got there in the end!I have laughed about things that I used to be too embarrassed to talk about. We have experimented and failed. But most of all we have laughed, kissed more, cuddled more and each action, each attempt, each failure has brought about a different kind of love. The thought of either of us losing the other, has brought about a love so strong that if we never make love in the conventional way again, it won’t matter. Our love is warm, deep all encompassing and has survived the battering from all sides. From family, from cancer and other illness and this past week from deep sad loss. But it has brought us almost to the point of ecstasy of a different kind. We often, at the same time, glance at each other and there it is. In our eyes.In our smile. In our hearts. No words are needed. Life has been tough but we are still here.
This past week, burying my beloved brother has also brought hurt of a different kind. We had to say goodbye to one of our much-loved ponies Tammy yesterday. In the past we couldn’t share this grief because I couldn’t cry and David tried his best not to let me see his tears. Yesterday we cried in each others arms. Our love for each other, all that we have here on the farm’, will see us through. We are still grieving for Tony and will grieve for a long while I am sure. We still have each other and our new-found different kind of love, post PC. We can cry holding onto each other, safe in the knowledge that we are safe there. Then we will let go. This past week has shown me how lucky I am to have this wonderful man part of my life. He is indeed , my rock.
So maybe nights of passion may be a thing of the past. Be wonderful memories to call up and enjoy. Maybe sex won’t ever be the same as it was. Maybe it will cease all together. Whatever life ahead of us sends, we will face it together. Warm in the deep love that is now so evident in our home and in our lives. David is still here. I am still here. Life is precious. We are grateful and happy and feel very lucky to have everything we have but most of all, each other.So once again, love now is different but stronger than ever and I hope any other couple in our position will find their own. Love can change but be as strong, as good and can survive everything life has to throw at you. I hope this doesn’t come across as smug because it was not an easy journey getting here. But now we have arrived.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 