This past week, mostly since losing my beloved brother and then again, after our last PSA test, I have been shown what being Family really means.
A family isn’t necessarily formed in the home where you grow up, hopefully for most, it is, but for some, this is not the place they find love and friendship and everything that should go with being related in birth. That would be a traditional family and I think many years ago, with maiden aunts, great aunts, grandparents etc. all living close to their family, this was how families were. Back then, people stayed within that unit and the geographical area, and the love and safety was valued. But as people moved away, with work etc. and people divorced and lost touch with one side of their birth family, things now,are very different. In mine and some others, being related to people who distance themselves from you out of choice, people who fall out with each other, this unit, the family, becomes blurred and sometimes nonexistent.
Coming on here on Friday evening, to share my husband’s PSA results and the joy and relief; what came back, the support I felt, gave me something precious. Showed me that I was part of something so much bigger than birth family. I have been shown support and encouragement from the day I joined the Prostate Cancer groups and Friday was no exception. In fact the love that shone through, with the many messages, comments and posts sent, showed me what the meaning of family is in reality. Thank you to everyone who shared our relief and joy. What you all show, by encouraging others, telling your stories, supporting those troubled is nothing short of love.
I felt a bit unsure of posting after hearing of some who are fighting this disease and whose results were still worrying but felt I wanted to post some good in all of the bad. Those who reach the Survivors club will always feel a bit of guilt, I know this through my work with clients but I also know, a person who posts good news can also encourage others who are at an earlier stage in this disease. I hope no one took offence.
Sharing my journey with like-minded people, has and hopefully will continue to be a help to those reading and definitely a help to me. We all share a common thread, this nasty disease. I have shared my anger, frustration, fear and everything I felt, on here, with my groups and yesterday shared my joy. Unselfishly, many not so fortunate, commented and I thank everyone who did. Everything I have received from members from all over the world, I should have had from family but haven’t ,apart from a tiny few. You have all shown the real meaning of family.
I have often heard terms used as a ‘family’, not really ‘getting it’ so to speak, but I do now. The family of a church, Facebook family, a sporting family, unrelated, who share the same interests at a close level. Families can form from any close group of people who share something they really care about, I know that now. Within my groups, people show respect, trust, support and love. Sometimes you can gain more from such groups than you can from the people with whom you grew up, especially if yours is not close or is dysfunctional like mine. Children who are adopted, take on their new family as their own, whilst hopefully one-day knowing their roots. We should all be capable of loving everyone because we are after all, part of the biggest family of all, human kind.
I grew up in a very strange home, a dysfunctional family where I was neither wanted, nor loved. Our Dad, a lovely gentle man who really wanted a quiet life, was an ex Royal Marine who loved his children and his very formidable wife. I won’t go into the details but he was not my birth father but never showed any ill will towards me, as my mother did, every day. They rowed, she was unfaithful and so it was no wonder our family life was fraught and fragile. We did have extended family and would go to them, if allowed, for advice or support. A great aunt Rose and my two Nan’s. But our main influence was the woman they called my mother. My only ally at home, was Tony, my brother. This continued for most of my life, we remained very close. I had a good relationship with my eldest sister Georgina, although I saw little of her because of distance and a close relationship, when an adult, with June my second sister. But as a family, I don’t remember a time when everyone was talking to everyone else. Most times this would have been because of a falling out, often courtesy of our Mother, others like mine and the youngest sibling, Trisha’s, for no reason at all. So not how families should be and that I wanted.
I have had a best friend since I was 6, still friends today, her Mum and Dad included me in family outings, parties etc. When this kind lady who asked me to call her Mum some years ago, bought my bestie, (her name is also Carol) a new dress, she would buy me one as well. She knew of my childhood, or most of it and so included me in hers. As we all grew older, I looked on her as Mum and Carol’s dad, who is still alive, as Dad. They loved me as their own, which proves my point in a way. This was my respite.
When I married, I vowed never to be like the woman I grew up with, but the opposite. I would show my children endless love and support in everything they did and made sure I did this. I had no role model but knew I wouldn’t be like her, wouldn’t ‘mother’ in the way she did or didn’t. In my little family, despite many changes, I kept my daughters safe, taught them right from wrong, shared happy times and the sad or the tough and was always there at their side, loving them. I pointed them in the right direction of life and then had to take a back seat as you do when they grow up. I thought my family was functional, loving, caring and enjoyed my daughters endless sharing of their love for me. I thought I had succeeded in making a good family. In the past years, I have been shown that with my youngest Marie, I have succeeded but not with her sister, Lisa. They were brought up the same, in honesty and love but have turned out so different from each other. So family does not always work, even if brought up in the same home, even when shown love and respect. I know that now. There is so much more to it.
As we grow up, we blame our upbringing, our parents, our family, for everything that’s wrong in our lives. I know I do in part. But as we reach adulthood, we need to take the responsibility on ourselves. Yes our childhoods can affect us but they can also influence us in a good way. My childhood, my family experience was negative but I strive every day to make a positive impact on others. I did this throughout my children’s lives, if I failed, it wasn’t for want of trying. As a mum, my family, the one I made was everything to me. Yes my health was bad at times, yes there were many changes as I said and yes I made mistakes but we were family and that is how it should have stayed. The good times we had, are locked as memories in my heart, forever. I loved my girls the same, taught them the same, respect, loyalty, compassion. Marie has blossomed into a beautiful caring honest respectful adult of whom I am very proud. Lisa has not. I realise now that this happens in families, that it is not my fault and so don’t beat myself up about it anymore.
Today I should have grandchildren to retell stories of their mum’s life, tell them of their dad. Stories of their and aunts and uncle, but I don’t. I should have Christmas’s with family all around but I don’t. I have my lovely youngest daughter and her family but my grandchildren have had their minds contaminated by lies and stories that are so far from the truth, if it wasn’t so sad it would be laughable. Real families don’t do this to each other. So families you are born into or those you make yourselves can fall short at times where gained groups, stay loyal to who you really are, now, today.
So back to what I said earlier. This past few weeks, I have seen how strong a real family can be. I am so proud of my brother Tony’s family. He and Lin have done a great job with their children, especially their daughters. They have been there for each other, helping comforting, supporting each other and supporting me. They have shown great maturity, great strength, great love and he would be so proud. In this time of pain and loss, they have shown me love and included me in the family that I had been excluded from, for that I am so grateful. The love they show each other is how a real family should be. My niece Tina has been an amazing mum and Nan and this shows in how her family has rallied around as they did before Tony died. During Tony’s last days, she made it possible for me to talk to him when he was able. Her eldest daughter Sophie, is like her Mum and has kept me informed as much as possible. A wonderful granddaughter to Tony. No nastiness, no dislike or arguing amongst them. Just pure family love. I am proud to be back part of this lovely family.
So these past few weeks, grieving for Tony and all he was to me, relief in David’s results, have been hard and painful with the latter giving respite of a good and happy. I have put behind me the nasty comment and returned letter from my sister June, knowing she was put up to it. I have had bigger things to occupy my time. Writing this has made me think that perhaps as people in general, we need to understand each other, maybe go back to how families were, how they should be, what they used to be, loving, supportive, and loyal. Back to having respect for those around us and appreciative of them and show love and be grateful for their part in our lives. But the main thing I have learned, the big switch of the light so to speak, is that family don’t need to be blood. Sharing a common interest or goal, sharing a similar journey whether painful or joyful, is what can make us a real family. As good as, or in my case, better than, the family we were born into. So I want to say thank you to everyone in the groups I belong to, and the family that is Social media, for including me in their ‘family’, even though none of us would have chosen to be part of if we had a choice. PC has brought wonderful supportive people into my life mostly down to this horrid disease. So I say thank you to all of you. I would also like to thank friends with whom I have shared friendships for many many years, who are as close as family to me.
This coming week will be so hard. But the good is that it will see me back in the midst of my family, Tony’s family, where I know I will be welcome and loved. Saying goodbye will be so hard. I am not sure how well I will cope but David will be at my side. It will be a sad difficult day for his children and grandchildren and my heart goes out to them. He was so loved and we will say our good byes together. I will be both humbled and proud to be part of this great family that Tony and Lin created, a real family in every sense of the word. I now feel we are almost back to where we used to be, closer than we have been over the past few years. It is something Tony wanted and I have wanted since forever. Saying goodbye to my big bear, my brother at least I know I won’t be alone.
Thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 