I became angry today, listening to the news. Three young men killed whilst waiting for a bus to go to a party. Innocent lives cut short by some one driving dangerously. I don’t know all of the facts but everyone knows that driving is serious business and in the wrong hands, a car can become a lethal weapon. This happened last night. I also heard of a suicide bomber, killing almost a hundred innocent people in Kabul. Killings in Pakistan, Istanbul and so the list goes on. I don’t see suicide bombers as martyrs or heroes, I see them as someone who has no respect for the life they have been given and the lives they steal. A few days ago, someone was ‘lost’ whilst mountaineering with out taking account of the weather warnings. This reminded me of rescuers who have died trying to reach or save such thoughtless people. Killings, murders, terrorism. Children murdered in their own homes by family or friends. Endless stories of loss of life that didn’t need to happen. No respect for this precious thing we have been given. The gift we all have and sometimes take for granted. The gift of Life. Where is the respect for all life gone?
I see this lack of respect in the work I do with animals. In my role as Inspector for a Horse charity, a member of Cat Protection, too much pain inflicted on animals and sometimes loss of precious lives. Only yesterday on social media, I saw a picture of a very scared little dog, the look in her eyes is haunting me. She had been thrown from a moving car. Thankfully she is now safe but will have to recover from this horrid ordeal. Whatever goes on in the head of someone who could do this.
This week we had David’s latest PSA result and thankfully it was undetectable. So relieved and happy but I know for some on my groups, their news is far from good. We don’t take anything for granted though. We will still be vigilant. We, the world I mean, need to talk about Prostate Cancer because it is still very ignorant. People will often say, ‘Oh that’s the good cancer’, or ‘you may die with it but you won’t die from it’. Really?? The latest statistics in the UK, 2014, were that there were 47,151 new cases and 11,287 deaths. So you can’t die from it? People need to be aware that if caught early enough, men will survive. Yes life may be different but this precious thing called life will still be theirs. In my case, we fought and won the battle and hope to win the war. Some say it is not a fight. I disagree. It’s a fight. Not only for the person who has the disease but for those caring and loving them. A fight to stay strong. A fight to support. A fight to survive treatment and sometimes, after all of this, a fight to just ‘be’. For me it was a battle like no other and I have had many battles to fight over the years.
Years ago, I watched my young sister-in-law, Tony’s first wife, fight to live. She had cancer during her pregnancy with her first son and they operated and removed it.It then returned after her 2nd son. She sadly lost this fight. Broke my heart. She was 26 years old. A battle lost.
I know how my friend’s husband fought and lost his fight against this evil disease.
Then around 5 years ago, my friend and confidante Mo, fought so bravely against her illness. A kind, funny, loving lady whom everyone who knew her, loved . She never complained, never moaned and always managed to have a laugh, even up unto the end. A battle lost.And what a battle she fought.
Now , this past year I watched my beloved Tony, my brother fight the hardest fight of his life. His family at his side, fought with everything he, they and I had to keep him with us. On January 4th, this year that battle was lost. Tony died. My heart broke.
So yes, cancer is a fight.
I felt in the middle of a battle, throughout David having PC. The waiting, the scans, biopsies etc. Then the surgery. David was as always very pragmatic and was amazing. This was a battle he was determined to win. Me, I felt battle worn long before we could breath and relax. There is some respite for a short time, between PSA tests. I believe we have conquered this evil cancer with a little ‘c’ and my battle now is to hold on. To banish the words ‘what if’ from my vocabulary and live. But I will always have the armour to hand, just in case. Throughout all of this time, this past year, I was on the periphery of my brother’s family but right there in spirit and Tony knew that. I wanted to attack the nasty that was stealing my big bear from me and those who loved him. The helplessness was overwhelming. We often talked, my brother and I, of how hard he felt it being so reliant on others. I reassured him that they didn’t mind, that they loved him and he knew this. I couldn’t be there at his side but he knew I was always at the end of the phone and that I loved him. My battle at that time was with myself, illness here ‘on the farm’, responsibility here kept me from visiting very much. I would always have fought alongside him as he would have me, in any fight. But sometimes as in this, I felt helpless and that made the battle even harder. The other demons facing him this past year just made his life that much harder and for that I will always be angry with those who betrayed him at this horrid time.That fight will be ongoing for me.
Life is precious and we should live it, make the most of it and value and rspect it.Sadly some waste it. Spend it risking it, abusing it. Some spend huge amounts of time, their lives, hurting others, causing trouble, breaking the law, killing. Disrespecting the life of those they hurt or kill. Some spend too much of their lives worrying, I know I do, about things they have no control over. Wasting their life on those who don’t deserve time spent on them, instead of cherishing this very thing. Life itself. What a waste of time, a waste of life.
I will always fight battles for those I love, stand by them when they are ill or in trouble. I will love and support and fight for my husband in any way that I can and value the life we have. I will fight right by his side whatever PC or anything else has to throw at us, we will always fight together.Whatever the battle. I may sometimes get it wrong. Sometimes people may not approve of how I fight. Bearing my soul on here, but I know it is part of me, part of how I am, standing up and fighting, something I have had to do over and over, throughout my life and will continue to do when needed. Writing my blog, bearing my soul, keeps me sane, keeps me from losing it at times I need to be strong. I find writing my blog therapeutic and a way of offloading. Selfish? Maybe but with due respect,people don’t have to read it, do they.
I began todays blog talking about how easy some find it to kill and maim others. How the lack of respect for the lives of others,astounds me. The lack respect for life itself. Yes, I am angry at how futile killing is and angry that some people throw others live’s away at a whim. Through thoughtlessness, or on purpose. How life is not valued like it should be. Whilst these horrendous acts are being perpetrated, people like Tony, like group members, anyone who has a terminal disease, is fighting literally for their lives. It makes me ashamed and it makes me sad.
I have wasted a great deal of time, of my life these past years, on people who shouldn’t even warrant a thought in my head. Those who have hurt and betrayed me and my family. They know who they are. No more. If I have battles to fight, they will be worthy ones and I will, I hope win some. A battle they began, against me, will be won and I will see Karma.
I admire Tony, Mo and others who are fighting disease and illnesses and will offer my support in the future if it is needed. To those who say PC is not a battle, I say, for me, it is and I am sure for others. A battle we willingly fight alongside our partners but obviously wish the fight had never begun.
Until the world learns respect for the little things, brings its children up to respect others, to respect their families and to respect life itself,sadly nothing will change. The world will remain broken.
Since beginning this blog around 18 months ago and reading the amazing stories of strength, faith and courage, reading of the battles people fight to survive, especially members of the PC groups I am part of,I have gained a new respect for them and for life itself.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 