Life for me has been like living in a fog, for a long time now. Not able to see the view, the way forward or even the way back. A fog of fear, pain, worry and now grief. But I know that one day the fog will lift. Life will be clearer and I will find my way. The fog in my case has been around for 4 plus years and as you may have read in previous blogs, often I have lost my way. I write as I feel and sometimes my words are muddled, emotional, deep and show everything I feel. Sometimes too many emotions come spilling out of me all at the same time. This I apologise for. But not for my truth, my depth of feeling, I can’t say sorry for that. Fog can confuse you, disorientate and often scare you. It can interfere with your thought process and lead you on the wrong path. That I am sorry for.
One year ago today. I learned of the betrayal of my daughter Lisa,to my brother and was horrified and sickened. I found it hard to believe but she has since shown me that I should have known the extent of her deceit but I hadn’t wanted to believe it. These past two weeks I have felt grief like I have never known before. Tony’s death has left me feeling as though part of me has died. It has made me selfish with my time, selfish with my emotions. Grief does that. Is it self-indulgent? Yes I suppose it is but I have, today, come to understand the depth of this grief is an accumulation of things gone before. All the emotions of the past years have caught up with me and at times are difficult to handle.
Last weeks blog showed my feelings, and also anticipatory grief. Fear of the next few weeks, PSA’ test , waiting for the results. Letting the ‘what ifs’ have a field day. Ellie’s cancer and the future, losing her, looms every day. Grief for those I have loved and lost for a variety of reasons. Grief for our life before PC. Yes, it is different and yes, I am grieving for the ‘normal’ we used to have. Tony’s death has brought me to have to face things I don’t want to face. Saying goodbye. Brought back past goodbyes and left me anticipating future goodbyes. Rendering me very low.
Grieving for those still living has been going on for a while, I realise that and it is futile and undeserved. I will no longer grieve them. They chose to leave and I have accepted that.
Grieving for life as it was. Before September 2 years ago, I had never heard of Prostate Cancer. I wish I was still as ignorant. It blew my life apart and left my husband having to go through surgery and the constant worry over each and every blood test. His last two were fine and I pray this one will be too. I have no reason to think differently but of course, I do. Yes, ‘what ifs’ once again.
The ‘c’ word will possibly always do this to all of us, worry us I mean, but I didn’t think about it until David was diagnosed. I need to work on my ‘now’ as I teach clients. Today and only today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here yet, so focus on today. Sounds easy doesn’t it. Well it isn’t.
The selfishness of my own grief is evident in everything I do. My love for Tony was huge and constant and my grief is in danger of becoming the same. It is raw and real and understandable. Yes it makes me selfish.Yes I am hurting and yes I am angry. This anger is so much more because of the worry and hurt inflicted on him in his last months by my daughter and our sister. Unforgivable and avoidable. They had the chance to make things right and refused his wish. Cruel and undeserved.
Along with this grief is how all of this affected me at a time I needed to be present in my own home, for those I love. I was absent emotionally for a long time. Anger is a huge part of the fog that surrounds me. Anger of late,at the cruelty directed at me since Tony’s death but it now has little effect. Those throwing hurt my way are helping to lift the fog of emotions and for that I am grateful.
My past blogs have told of each and every emotions I have felt, I have spoken, even shouted them, here on this page. Doing this is a kind of self therapy, a way of offloading, expressing my feelings and releasing this anger and pain. Again , self-indulgent but helpful to me. Anger at PC is one of the fiercest angers I have ever felt. It came blustering into our lives and we weren’t ready. Would we ever have been ready? Of course not. As I have written before, PC is a couple’s cancer. Yes our men have the physical disease and treatment but we as wives and partners, share their pain, their fears and their own anger. Hating cancer with a little ‘c’ has become a life long emotion for me and I am sure for others.
So these are all particles of my emotional fog. Each one making it thicker than before and I sometimes can’t find my way out and am not sure how I actually feel about being in it.
The Written Word.
As literary horder, I keep everything written to me, about me and by me. Always have done. My way of looking back and trying to make sense of nonsensical things. I vowed at the beginning of this blog 2 years ago, to ‘tell it s as it’. Honest to the core. Sometimes hard to read and sometimes muddled and raw. I will continue to do this.
The F word is present most of the time, the main substance of my fog. This week we may know the results of Davids latest PSA. The waiting is horrid. I have tried ,as I said last week, not to go onto my PC groups because I don’t want to read the sad posts, the men who are suffering, relapsing, dying from this evil disease. I need to keep myself together, just in case. As I said at the beginning, with the grief still so raw, yes I am being selfish.
PC has brought back symptoms of PTSD which I have spoken about before in earlier blogs. I find myself ruminating over the past, David diagnosis, his surgery etc. Tony’s illness, my sister and best friends cancers. All very unhelpful and all making the fog thicker.
A few years before the nasties started with my daughter and sister Trisha, I was involved in a nasty cruel internet hoax that stole 6 months of my life. It ended in a court case and punishment for the perpetrator. It also left me with nightmares and panicky feelings. These lessened for a while but lately come back on occasions. Again, leaving the fog long after I have woken up. I would wake up and for a spilt second all was okay and then reality set in and the fear had a field day. When David was first diagnosed with PC, I would not sleep well but if I did, I would wake and he was beside me, fleetingly all was well, but then, like a thud, cancer was in my head and the fear began all over again. These past few weeks, since Tony’s death, I awake and again for a spilt second everything is okay, then it hits me. Tony is no longer here. I know that to lift some of the fog of emotions I need to cry, I will in time. Living in a world without him seems impossible, but I know I must and I will.
There is only so much loss and fear the human mind can take at one time, without it adversely affecting a person’s health. Many times in the past years, I have felt close to breaking. I reached this point many times over and over hearing the horrendous lies and stories told by these two relatives of mine, being spread to anyone who would listen. This constant attack has left me wanting and fuelling the fog I find myself in at times.
So these next few weeks will be extra hard. Losing my ‘big bear’ has brought sadness that I had not envisaged. Pain that is physical and left me without siblings. We were so close and I am missing him so much already. I still can’t quite take it in, I still go to ring him or say, ‘must tell Tony that’.
To lift the fog, I need to cleanse the parts of my life that give me the anger, the hurt , the pain and the grief. Normal grief is okay and will take time to heal and that will happen, I just need to be patient. I need to look at positives, David ‘s facial surgery has been done as far as we know the cancer has all gone. I am working on my anger towards my sister and my daughter, yes I blame Trisha for how my daughter is today. But she is a grown woman and was taught right from wrong, parents can only point children in the right direction. It is up to the child especially, when an adult, to choose the right path to follow. Not my responsibility.
Today we have been discussing the future with Marie and her husband,and that is where my healing will begin. I am starting to see a future, a new beginning and that will help the fog lift. After I have said a goodbye to my beloved brother, the healing of the grief will begin and maybe, my emotions will calm down and I will allow myself to cry. Again this will help lift the fog. I tell clients that grief will take as long as it takes, don’t try to force it, don’t deny it. Good advice. I will be okay. Soon I will see the road ahead more clearly. I will always miss Tony. I will hurt for a very long time, I know that but have so many happy memories to help me through. I will always worry about PC returning but the secret is, focus on today for that is all we have for now.
See, the fog is already getting thinner.
Thankyou for reading. x
carolannwright 