This time last year my blog was sad, but determined. It told of how I wanted to stay up until midnight to watch 2016 die. Hoping that the year to follow would be better. Well that was not how life went. We had had the diagnosis of Prostate cancer before that blog and yes, I was terrified but determined to help my beloved husband through, no matter what. I am usually a strong person but haven’t felt that way during the past few years. The previous years had been horrible, courtesy of my daughter Lisa and youngest sister Trisha, of whom I have referred to in previous blogs. Do I feel guilty for doing that? No, not any more. I thought last year had seen me witness the worst things they could do, if you read back you will see the horrific cruel things that have been done to me and my family, made worse by not stopping when David was diagnosed with cancer. But the worst was yet to come, early in 2017.I had also been ‘ordered’ not to post photos of my grandchildren or children on social media, my memories and told not to ‘miss people’. Well I am human and we lose people we love and we miss people and I think it healthy to do so.
Over this Christmas period, I learned something very valuable. I promised in a blog, ‘A Different Christmas, My Choices, My New Strength’, that this year I wouldn’t waste my time missing those who were no longer in my life. This new knowledge I learned, is that I wasn’t missing who they are now, today, but what they had been to me for many years. I was missing the daughter I raised, the thoughtful, kind loving child she had been. Maybe my view of her was biased because I only remembered the good in her. Others remembered the reality. I was reminded of horrible things Lisa had done to me and others, during her life. I didn’t have to be reminded of things my youngest sister did, I knew only too well, during our growing up but knew nothing of her for 40 years, before she resurfaced with her evil influence on my daughter and her family. So this person my daughter had become, I realised, I didn’t miss because I didn’t recognize her. She often threw at me in emails that I didn’t know her. Well I think she is right. Why would I miss someone whose sole purpose these past 4 years was to hurt me? Why would I miss someone who hopes I ‘grow old on your own, alone and unloved’? So a New Year resolution, begun last blog, is that I won’t spend any time missing those who have hurt me.
A brief resume of 2017.
January last year saw us struggling to hold things together, or rather I was, David seemed fine, as I have said before, very pragmatic and took everything in his stride. I was struggling. Terrified of the ‘what ifs’. I read everything I could on PC, I wrote a blog offloading my fears and feelings every single week, the comments and support I have had has been wonderful. The worst emotion I felt throughout the year and those years before, was Fear, the ‘F’ word. At the end of January I learned to my horror that my eldest daughter had defrauded my brother who is terminally ill out of a huge amount of money. I was angry, disgusted and ashamed. But there was a positive to this, a selfish one, my whole family had been taken in by the lies told by her and my sister and now knew who the liars were.
Also in January my little dog had cancer and was taken in for surgery. The first operation was a success, the second a few months later, wasn’t. Her heart stopped under the anesthetic and so the surgery was abandoned and the cancer remains. Again fear was my companion.
February after what seemed an absolute age, David had surgery and the cancer, with a little ‘c’, was removed. I have blogged extensively about this so won’t repeat myself except to say, the waiting for me, was the worst part. The outcome? This is the ‘good’ in 2017. This is the happy, the positive, and the best! The cancer is gone.
This year has been very difficult for my son Jonathan, besieged by crippling illness, his adoptive father dying and being in constant pain. With David having cancer surgery, I was only able to see him once. Visiting him was good but feeling so helpless during this time,was not. He is recovered now thankfully and getting back to full health.
I struggled with ill-health throughout the year, it was discovered I have a blocked artery behind my clavicle that leaves me dizzy and makes the blood pressure different in both arms. Might one day have to be stented but not as yet.Marie my youngest had a hard time with a sick husband and life here on the farm was hard. We have 6 ponies and David was not able to see to them as he usually does, so a lot fell to Marie as I couldn’t help very much, but we managed. During this year I experienced a whole spectrum of emotions that drained me and left me wanting. Something had to change.
The year went on and although hard, I made a decision to go back to my practice as a Psychotherapist. I had been wasting so much time on the things being done to me, missing people who didn’t deserve my time of day, that this, I believed was the right time. A new venture that Cardiff University had piloted and I had been part of that pilot, before the ‘nasties’ took hold, was going to begin in 2018 and I was asked to be part of it. Another positive.
August brought a clear blood test for David another reason to celebrate. It also brought slander and libel again courtesy of my eldest daughter, spreading lies on social media with a forged letter. Bad mouthing me and blackening my name.The letter was supposedly written by my ex husband, and was maligning my name to family and friends. I always doubted its authenticity, as I knew the contents to be untrue but had no proof. I do now. Why did she do this and other nasty things? I don’t know. Every ‘nasty’ she serves me with, has a new reason. This continued for a few months blighting our life here ‘on the farm’. Once again making me ill and causing pain and hurt beyond compare. David was still in recovery and to do the thing she did is unforgivable, knowing what we were going through.
I tried so hard to ignore all of this but couldn’t as it was so painful and unfair. Now, I have decided, that in the New Year, I can no longer allow this and will take the action I promised months ago. Now we are in a better place to do that.
October brought about the death of my husband’s sister which rendered him low. We couldn’t attend the funeral because we had no one to look after our animals. It had been a long time since I had seen my husband so down. We had a little quiet time here to remember her.
During all of this and other things happening, I have poured my heart out on social media and am so grateful for all the love and concern shown me. I also learned that others have suffered at the hands of ‘family’ and my heart goes out to them.
Being the partner of a PC sufferer is not easy. It is unlike other cancers in as much as it changes the whole of your life as a person, it changes your man and changes your relationship sometimes permanently. You can get through, I am hoping we have and I hope anyone reading this will also believe that there is life after PC! Life that can still be filled with love and happiness and yes, humour.
So all in all, parts of 2017 were horrible, if you have read my blog over last year you will hear my struggles, my anger and pain and most of all my fear. A very ‘tiring year’. The ‘F’ word played a huge part in the whole of this year. But it won’t in the next.
Parts of this passing year, have been so good and restored my faith in human nature, especially the groups on Facebook.
My hopes, plans and dreams for 2018.
My hopes.
Firstly more awareness of the horrid disease Prostate Cancer. I hope there will be more research and more new safe treatments. I will promote awareness as often as I can to the point of becoming a nuisance, if it helps save lives!
I hope David’s next PSA test is still undetectable and he can change to yearly tests. I hope that the groups that have helped me so much, remain strong using comfort, understanding, patience and humour to help us all through. I can’t thank you all enough. I will continue to hope that those whose diagnosis is not as good, are kept pain free and given the help and support they need at this awful time. To their wives and partners, I pray 2018 will bring you understanding, patience and the acknowledgement that you also need looking after. Always try to put yourself near the top of your priorities, if you don’t, you won’t be able to be there for your man. Let yourself feel angry. Cry when you need to. Talk to others and gain comfort. Never, never say sorry for the huge emotions you may feel on this journey none of us asked to make. It is okay, you have permission to feel emotions you didn’t know you had. Talk about them to someone who understands, if not, shout them out in capital letters on here or in the group. We all understand.
February will bring an end I hope to the nasty wicked deed done against my brother and I hope the perpetrators get what they deserve. You can’t go around doing things like that and not pay the price.
Plans
As for the nasties done to me and mine. As for the libel etc. I have to lose the fear these things gave me and act. That is all in hand now, I have the proof I need to take this further and because the libel is not just against me, ‘heads will roll’ as they say. I could leave things but I know that at any opportunity in the future, to hurt me, my daughter and sister will act and I can’t spend my life worrying about the next onslaught. ‘But she is your daughter’, I hear some say. Yes I know and I am her Mum and that hasn’t stopped the wicked acts against me and mine. I would never allow anyone else to do the things done to me over the past 4 years, get away with it. I have allowed her. But how much more should I have to take? No, people who need to know will know what she really is like, quite early on in the year. Someone or something has to stop her before things go too far. As my youngest said yesterday, ‘Wow Mum, at last the worm has turned’. Lisa tells me I am no longer her Mum, although this cut through my heart, it that gave me permission to take this further. If you think that wrong, I am sorry but I have only told a tiny bit of what she has done, on here. I was reminded by someone who knew her growing up, that she has always lied and stolen from me, I just wouldn’t accept it, so maybe she hasn’t changed at all, it is just that now I have seen it.
2017 has been unkind, hard and painful as the 3 years previously had. Realisation of the reality, re people, I loved. Accepting mortality of those I love and of myself, loss and worry just ‘got in the way’ of the year. The biggest positive is that David is now ‘cancer free’. In years gone by, PC never had patient’s ‘cancer free’ but our consultant says it happens now and I pray that it happened to us. I ‘met’ some amazing people on my groups, many braver that you might think possible. Some whose faith or religion have and is helping them through. Some whose stubbornness and pragmatism make it possible for them to cope with the illness, side effects etc. with strength and humour. Wives whose lives have been torn apart and my heart hurts for them. I sometimes say, that the before and after PC man, the man with the disease, is still the man he always was. Inside he is the man you loved before and can love again. Sadly sometimes that is not possible. But I think myself one of the lucky ones, David hasn’t changed as some men do. He didn’t have hormone treatment or medication that can change a person’s outlook, feelings etc. For all of these I know how hard 2017 must have been and still is.
In the Spring we are off an another adventure, downsizing and helping Marie with her new exciting project so keeping excitedly busy.
2018 will see me returning to writing. I have 3 books half written so I need the discipline to finish them and I will. The ‘distractions’ of 2017, the way they have left me weak and low, along with worry about my wonderful husband kept me from writing. Also my brother’s failing health and my own poor health, have made it impossible to concentrate, one of the reasons I blog. To offload and to keep my use of words, alive.
So as 2017 is drawing to a close, my thoughts are with you all. For the wider world, I hope for peace, understanding, tolerance and love. ‘Why can’t we just love one another’, I saw on a post with a child crying this out to us all. Yes, but love begins at home, with family and I know how hard that can be.
So as we turn the page on this latest chapter we don’t know what will follow. How our story will pan out. So keep the good memories close to your heart. Do what you think is right as you continue through your story. Don’t be told how to live your life, everyone has their own burdens, their own problems, only you know how to deal with them. Don’t allow bad influences from anyone, including family. Don’t waste any of the precious time you have on those intent on causing you pain. Enjoy your New Year in any way you wish as long as it hurts no one and pleases you.
For me, January will bring some pain, having to face our little dog’s cancer full on. David is having surgery on the 12th, to remove another cancer but this one not as serious as the last.
Every year as the old year is passing, I say the New Year will bring us less pain, less worry. Do you know what? It hasn’t so far. But another thing I learned over Christmas, looking at why I keep getting hurt, why things keep going wrong, is this.
‘If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got’.
How true is that? I am my own worst enemy. No I can’t stop illness affecting any of us, can’t stop death when the time comes. Can’t look ahead and divert any misfortune coming my way. But I can stop allowing the actions of others to continue to hurt me. Steal my precious time, steal my forward thinking and steal me away from those who love me ‘here on the farm’.
I am one person, with huge limitations on what I can do but I will promise to try. I am back in the bosom of some of my family and am grateful and proud to be there. I have a loving family ‘here on the farm’ and close good friends. I will try my hardest to be a better person and although some of what I will be doing in this New Year may be frowned on by some, I have to make a stand. As I said in my last blog, life will now be made of things I choose, not governed by bullying, threats or in fear of repercussions. I choose this path because I refuse others to determine how I am, how I behave. I choose to take steps to take my life back. To stop accepting from ‘family’, things I would never accept from anyone else. I choose to take control. I pray that Tony is pain-free and stays with is for a while longer. That David and Marie and her husband have good health and all of my SM friends have a better year than last year.
Happy 2018 everyone.
Thanks for reading x
carolannwright 