We had snow this week, I so love snow, as some of you already know. The views from my windows are always amazing but in the glistening white they are breathtaking, the ponies in the paddocks playing, the frozen pond and the beautiful trees in all their wintry splendor, reminded me of why I love it here. Snow seems to cleanse the earth and in a way, I suppose, I always hope that it will cleanse everything painful and nasty, physical and emotional. Perhaps for me it has done this, hence this blog.
Last Christmas, if you have read my blog from then, was a very scary time. David had cancer and we had no idea of the extent or the outcome. It was hard to celebrate, hard to enjoy and so we had a very quiet subdued time, here ‘on the farm’. We had begun 2017, with trepidation around treatment for his Prostate Cancer, the side effects and the outcome. This and the continuing onslaught from family had rendered me incapable of really smiling, even feeling emotions or looking ahead and enjoying life. A very hard time. Early on in the year we had found that my beloved brother had terminal lung cancer, he is now in the final stages. To my horror, in the Spring, I also discovered that he had been defrauded out of a huge amount of money by my own daughter Lisa and my sister Trisha. Disgust and anger, I was able to feel. Shame and guilt also but in this despicable act, they did me a favour. It showed those who they had lied to, about me, what they were really like, how dishonest and nasty they could be. I felt angry and sad yes, but also strangely vindicated.
This past year has brought knowledge, friendship and humour for me, from the various Prostate Cancer groups I joined. Without them this year would have been unbearable and again, I thank you all. I will take a second to say I hope Christmas is the best it can be for those still struggling, a great time for those in the survivors club and peace to those whose Christmas is blighted by this nasty illness in any way. I send love and the hugest of Christmasy hugs to you all.
Up until now, the past 4 Christmas’s have been ruined by my inability to really enjoy the festive season. To be a big part of it as I had always been. I had thrived, in the past, on all the rushing about, the Christmas gift buying, cards, decorations etc. as an adult Christmas gave me such joy, making it a wonderful time for those I love. This changed, after the lies and hatred began, the being shut out of my daughter’s life, and each year I missed my daughter so much, that it spoilt things for me. I missed having her and her family, my grandchildren in my life and I found it hard to enjoy things without their input. Ever since first becoming a mum, this time of the year filled me with the happiness of giving, of sharing. My years with Terry, Lisa’s dad, we always had the friends who would have spent Christmas alone, round at our place for the day. I loved every minute. Then after Lisa arrived and then 5 years later, Marie, Christmas was my very favourite time of the year. I made sure all the memories of this special time of the year, were happy, ones, full of fun and love. Because of my own childhood, it was important for me, misconceived I suppose,to give them possibly everything on their lists, sometimes too much but I enjoyed watching them open their presents and seeing the look of happiness on their beautiful little faces. I made it last as long as I possibly could.
Since David came into my life, when Lisa was around 15 and Marie 10, the magic was even stronger, he brought so much love for us all, so much fun and life was complete. Sharing all we had with my children and their subsequent partners was what families should be and ours was. He brought strength, pragmatism, fun, laughter and a silliness that I loved from the beginning. Everyday I have with him and have had for 32 years, is a blessing. He always made us all feel special, even though later in life, Lisa threw it all back in his face. Since becoming a mum, all those years ago, I looked forward to Christmas and enjoyed all the extra work, the secrecy of hiding presents, the decorating the house and the big day, up at some unearthly hour for the children to open their stockings. A magical time ,as I described last week.
But since 2013 things have changed for reasons already written about and my missing those who should have been part of our family Christmas’s, ruined it here for me. I now realise that I was selfish and unfair, I was not able to be fully present to share these times with those here who love me,because of my grief. I was not always able to be part of the festivities, the laughter and joy, that we had always shared at this time. For David, Marie and my friends, I need to get that all back. I am surrounded by love and everyday I pinch myself because my life if allowed, could be that Fairytale I wrote about last year, full of love and special times. I choose from today to get that back and make new beautiful memories that I can share whenever I want to and hold in my heart for ever.
So today is my gift to me. A different Christmas, a new way of being and a fulltime paid up member of ‘Team Wright’, here on the farm. Why waste time of those who don’t want it, deserve it or deserve to be even the tiniest of thoughts in my mind at this or any other time. I will have to think of them next year, out of choice as part of my ‘fighting back’ but not today, not this week, not any other Christmas . I am no longer wasting precious time on looking back at wishing life was different. Life is sometimes hard but it will be happy as it should be, I owe David that, I owe Marie that and I owe Carol Ann. I have been told, by Lisa, I am no longer her mum, Okay, that allows me to move on without believing I should forgive her everything wicked she has done. As her Mum, I did this, too often, now I don’t have to . So in a way, another favour gratefully received.
Today I choose to leave the ‘ positive action,’ I mentioned last week, until 2018.
My Christmas gift to my family here, is this. I am choosing not to miss those who have chosen to give me nothing but pain these past years. I choose not to wish things were different, that I wasn’t shut out of their lives. I am. Fact! And do you know what? After everything thrown at me, that’s okay.
I am choosing not to go out into my paddocks on Christmas day and allow myself, in private, the grief I felt for losing my daughter and her family, as I have done these past 4 years. But not this year, my inability in the past, to enjoy my Christmas’s, must I am sure, spoiled the day for those here, so this year it will be different. I intend to make Christmas as I always did, happy, full of joy and full of love. My real Christmas with those who want to be part of it.
I am choosing to wish a Merry Christmas, even to those who don’t deserve it and to concentrate on those here, who love me and deserve so much more than I have been giving.
Today with our tree looking beautiful, the gifts below given with love, the decorations almost finished, I looked around and smiled. Christmas is full of memories but I choose to look at the good ones, the happy ones with the people and animals who have shown me what real love is. David is well, Marie is happy and so that makes me happy too .
Today,I choose to be happy.
Christmas will still hold memories of two little girls, loved and who loved me, happy times full of laughter and fun . Yes those memories will always be there but I won’t allow them to come into my life this year unless they make me smile. Any other memories are banished. I need to gain strength to see this through and I am sure after this past year, that I can. I will be, from today a different person. I choose to be stronger and show that trying to hurt me anymore is futile. I have new armour. Armour those who hurt me have no idea of. New strength gained in the knowledge of now having the truth on my side. I will use this early in 2018.
So much has been stolen from us, here ‘on the farm’, intruded on our peace. A cancer with a little ‘c’; bullying and lies from ‘family’ and all of this stole our joy. Apart from the worry about my beloved brother Tony, I intend to find the joy this year, find it and keep it close for the year to come. These are my choices and I feel able to keep them in place. Yes I will remember this past year with pain at times but also with the huge relief that David is considered cancer free, we made it out the ‘other side’,what better gift could we have wanted that that.
Love makes memories. Whether the love of a child, the love of a partner or a sibling. Love makes the memories that we hold dear. The old ones will never disappear but we can choose which ones come into our minds and are allowed to linger. The rest we can push away and if necessary deal with them at another time. I intend to make happy memories to look back on, this time next year. This Christmas and every one in the future.
Not sure if I will blog next week but in case I don’t, have a happy Christmas all of you. Love those around you and hold them dear. Have fun, give love and share whatever you have that makes you happy. But most important in all, make happy memories to look back on this time next year.
Thanks for reading xx
carolannwright 