Today’s blog marks a change in content of what I write. I began my entries back in June 2016, writing for family who I know read it, who didn’t know my side of a ‘war’ I found myself an unwitting and unwilling participant of. It was the only way I could tell the truth of what had I had become part of, and of what I was being accused. It was futile back then, as I know how believable those blackening my name could be, lying and maligning me at every opportunity. For 3 years plus, I was being worn down by this evil and found myself trying to put up a defence, the only one I had was my truth, my honesty trying to withstand this cruel vendetta based on lies from my daughter Lisa. I wasn’t ready for what came next.
August 26th 2016, our lives ‘here on the farm’ took a different turn, David was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and I began logging my journey with PC; telling you of my perception of my life and everything in it. Oh how I needed some ‘normal’ back then. I needed to see photos of nieces, nephews and family, back in my home town, on Social media as I had always done. My way of keeping in touch. But when I was finding nasty comments, swearing and lies, on my social media ,even though I had blocked those already causing me pain, I had to take all family off my pages, after explaining to them why, to keep my sanity. Social media is important to me but having abuse from all corners every time I logged on, was making me ill. So I had no choice but to take family off. I so wanted to explain to them but was afraid of any repercussions for them and for me, so didn’t. Over the next few months, I was ostracized because family were turned against me. As I have said before, I don’t blame them. They were being fed such horrendous lies by a person expert in the field of lying. My sister Trisha. Life was already painful and difficult and then my beloved David had cancer and when that hit, it left me reeling. This was far worse than anything my sister or daughter who has been brainwashed by her evil aunt, worse than anything they could send my way.
David was the ‘victim’ of this horrid disease that changed our lives forever, but I felt like I had it too. Our life together, already hurt by family, was now being threatened in a different way. One we had no control over and I was terrified. Our marriage, our relationship was and is very strong and I am grateful for that. He was the brave one. He is so pragmatic and I tried hard not to show him my fear. As I have told before in my blog, the years before cancer struck, he had stood by me, supported me and helped me put my writing career back together after my sister and daughter, with lies and deceit, threatened to take my publisher to court for something they themselves did. Publishers are renowned for being afraid of litigation so my book was taken down. I was devastated but not for long. With David’s help I found another publisher and my books are back on sale. So in the end they failed. He has spent so many nights holding me while I cried, mostly for how my daughter was changing, how easily she found it to hurt me and to lie and cheat. David has always been there for me, for my children and my family and yet these two women have treated him so badly. He is my rock and he had a life threatening illness and I was helpless to do anything to stop it. I changed my blog entries and began my Journey.
My Journey with cancer with a little ‘c’ has taught me that I am stronger than I thought. Yes I almost fell apart ,as those of you who have read from the beginning, will know. If life had been easier, kinder before it hit us, maybe I would have coped better, I don’t know. But I did cope, just. My own health has not been good for the last few years and currently I am dealing with the fallout of the emotional stress caused me by family, and have been rendered quite poorly but I will bounce back. I always do. I’m still standing as they say. It hasn’t been easy, the worry , the F word, fear but those on the same journey know how hard it can be. All of you on here, reading this, know that although PC physically attacks our men, it affects us both, bigtime. I call it the ‘Couples cancer’ because that’s what it is. We both struggle with the diagnosis, we both have to battle with the endless waiting, it may be the men who have the treatment but in our own way, we suffer to the same extent. The changes forced upon us as a couple can, for some, be too huge to accept. Our man changes, our relationship changes and so do we. But for the fortunate ones, still here, I believe we can come out of the Journey stronger. That’s what I need to tell myself, because it is true.
We are now happy in the knowledge that David’s PSA is undetectable and the surgeon tells us that the cancer has gone! I will continue to support those on here, in the groups to which I belong, those who are just beginning their journey, those in it and struggling as I did and those, sadly at the end. I will raise awareness of the importance of PSA tests being carried out early in men and help raise money for PCUK. when I can. But my blog will go back, to the reasons I began writing ,early last year, after horrible nasty comments on my pages on Mothers Day by my daughter Lisa. My way of using the written word, as well as letting family know, how life is here, for me and most importantly to help me process the many events that keep happening in my ‘ordinary life’. I am coping, with the help from David and my daughter Marie and her husband Jason. I should have a large extended family and I am sure if I did, I wouldn’t be blogging but I don’t. Lisa and Trisha made sure of that, but I am not giving up having them all back in my life now they know the truth. I should have another sister, her family, one of which is still in touch, my daughter in Hampshire and my two grandsons, Harrison and Jordan and my granddaughter Hannah. They should all be part of my life but they are not and I will deal with that. I have to remove their power to hurt me and not allow the pain in. No, life is not how I envisaged it would be, not what I wanted back in the day but this is where I am. I don’t feel sad, well not as much now, because last night I had tried to contact my grandson who is 27 and so now a man and ask him to persuade his Mum, to see sense and do the right thing, for her own sake, I don’t like the thought of her being taken to court.Only to receive many tweets of abuse over open Twitter, using the name of her dog!! Not having the courage to use her own name;still telling her libelous lies and making me realize that he is under her thumb. I feel so sorry for him and my other grandchildren. I know he didn’t make this choice, I know how nasty she can make his life so I have to accept that our relationship won’t get back on track. All of this because I wouldn’t lie for her. But I have begun to realise that you should only want those in your life who want to be there, for you and so I accept things as they are. I have 2 beautiful nieces and my beloved brother Tony. And that’s the rub. As you know he has lung cancer and is currently very poorly. None of us know how long he may have, I am praying he doesn’t leave us yet, for himself, his family and for me. He is a dad, granddad and great granddad, brother and uncle and we all love him very much .His children and grandchildren are looking after him and spending time with him and for that I am so grateful. To me, he was my only childhood ally in an otherwise hostile childhood. All of my life Tony has been there, my only constant. In adulthood, it was Tony who I would call upon before I met David. It was Tony who rushed down to Portsmouth if I needed him. I have so much to thank him for and living so far away, with poor health myself and commitments that keep me here, distance sucks! He is my brother, my ally and my friend. Losing him will be a huge blow. But not yet.
Yesterday was David s birthday and we spent the day with our daughter and son-in-law. They came again today for Sunday lunch. I wanted it to be special and it was. I haven’t told him about Lisa’s rants yesterday and I possibly won’t. We have given Marie and Jason a gift that will help them in the future and it was good to see their happiness. So my blog will continue to tell it as it is. It will always be truthful, honest and personal, my perception, my life. I need to do this. I have to do this, write I mean, you do not have to read it. I don’t want to upset anyone, hurt anyone but will always only tell it as it happens. My blog, my life, my page. I want to thank everyone who has commented, emailed me or messaged me throughout my journey and ask you to continue if you feel you want to . So in the future, when you see my blog, please remember that although PC will be mentioned, my relationship with David will be mentioned, PC is not now the reason for the blog. I will go back to writing ‘my Journal’ warts ‘n all, for anyone interested, as I know others also struggle with what we feel is an ‘ordinary’ life. As long as you only expect the truth.
For everything that has happened, in a way I am grateful. Yesterday, the nastiness from my daughter helped me move on, make decisions about how I can put right all that she has made wrong for me and David. officially. No, my life is not how I envisaged it but it is good if I let it be. Someone told me last week, ‘Get out of your own way’. I didn’t at first understand, but today I do. I have a loving husband and friend in David, a wonderful daughter in Marie and a son-in-law of whom I am very fond. I am living in the most amazing part of West Wales and today can see the beauty out of my window, something I have not been able to see of late. I am surrounded by my lakes, ponds, ponies in their fields, ducks, and wildlife, dogs and cats. Who could want for more. Yes I will still bemoan the happenings in my world, but who doesn’t. I will still struggle at times, but today I feel I am a very lucky lady. I have so much more than little Carol Ann from her dysfunctional family would ever have dreamt of. We have worked hard for it all and will continue to work hard. Both here ‘on the farm’ and me in my Psychotherapy practice that I go back to next week. So life, bring it on!
I hope your Sunday is good and Thankyou for reading. Hopefully see some of you next week. x
carolannwright 