Last week’s blog may have made some of you cross with me, the comments I received didn’t show that but today, reading it back for the first time, it was self-indulgent I suppose. I am not going to apologise because from the first blog, I have said, I will write as I feel, honest, raw and open. So I can’t apologise for my feeling that way. I still feel confused, sad and can’t summon the anger I need. Not yet.
This week we were to have travelled to Hampshire for my sister in law’s funeral. We would have seen my brother Tony and I was going to ‘drop in’ to my eldest daughter’s unannounced. That would have been interesting to say the least but I would have done it. My youngest daughter Marie was to move into our home to care for my ponies, cats and dogs and her husband was to look after their animals. Sadly, Jason, my son In law was taken ill and so Marie couldn’t leave him. We didn’t go. We both understood that illness strikes at the most inopportune times and can’t be helped. I was disappointed not to have seen Tony but know I will go down quite soon. David however surprised me by being more than disappointed, became very down and this is new to me. What this emphasized, is the one downside to living in beautiful West Wales, the distance from those we love. We never chose to move but the M.O.D. in their wisdom, moved the entire Portsmouth teams down to Bristol and David had no choice but to go. We fought it, all of us wives and families but we lost that fight. Not wanting to live in a city and having animals, horses and ponies, we chose to live just over the border in South Wales. We had 14 lovely years there and life changed drastically. I went to college then University and gained my Masters in Counselling. I wrote my autobiography and began Private Practice. When David retired, we moved over to West Wales and as they say, the rest is history.
I am not good with change, I like familiarity, people and places I know near to hand. PC brought about changes, some of which I have written in earlier blogs, so many that I couldn’t keep up. I know I changed from the day of diagnosis and am still trying to find who I am now, almost out the other side. It bestowed changes on us as a couple that we didn’t like but the alternative was unthinkable. Life changed but I still had my beloved husband. This disease, cancer with a little ’c’ has not and will not define us or beat us. But change we have. But most of what followed after the first move was the ‘Good’, from my title. Another Good that happened this week was very moving and although sad in one way, positive in another. David has never shown his feelings to others, never become emotional at TV films etc. and I am the only person in whom he confides his emotions. He openly showed his disappointment at missing his sister’s funeral. Sheila being the eldest, took on the role of ‘mum’ to the family after David’s mum’s death. I knew my husband was more upset than he had been when his brother died but was not sure why. The evening before the goodbye, he had to ring my brother-in-law and make our apologies. He was visibly moved to tears. Not like him at all. On Friday morning, while he was out with the ponies, I lit a beautiful rose candle in our sitting room, for Sheila. When he came in and we spoke about it, he cried. I felt so sad he couldn’t say goodbye but also relieved that he is now able to let his emotions show. Her death has taken its toll and took David back to his Mum’s death, both from breast cancer, I also think it reminded him of his own mortality. All of this is good. Watching TV with him since his diagnosis and more so since surgery, is enlightening. Throughout the last 3 years, he has been strong for me, holding me initially, when the things my eldest daughter Lisa and sister Trisha were doing to me, became too much to bear and I was at breaking point. He would hug me tightly while trying to make sense of things. He doesn’t know my youngest sister, had never met her in the 32 years we have been together, so she means nothing to him, but my daughter had been treated as a daughter by him since he came into our lives. But now all he can see is the damage that was being done to me and my family here, by these two, financially and emotionally, they had hurt me more than words could say. At my lowest moments from this and then PC barging into our lives, he was so brave and pragmatic about the course the cancer might take and how it would affect us both. He didn’t cry, he didn’t bemoan ‘why me’. I did. But now, he seems to have recognised his mortality, doesn’t want to waste any time on things and people who do not matter. Now, sometimes, I find myself comforting him. Holding him when I can see he is thinking of people he has lost or often of things lying ahead of us that will be sad and huge losses to come. We have elderly animals and two of them sick, these losses will be unbearable. In the past I have often felt inadequate as I am hit by the hugeness at losing a beloved pet. David again has always been very sensible and practical but I am not so sure now. He is my rock and one of the strongest men I know. I don’t see the changes in him as making him less than that but more. He no longer keeps his feelings hidden and talks more about emotions and feelings. From being a very private reticent man, he is becoming much more open and able to show how he really feels. He says now, he understand me a great deal more and can empathise with how I feel, on occasions he struggled with before. He has also developed a wonderful sense of humour, mostly to do with his private personal bodily functions. Something I struggled with at first but no longer. Humour has always been a huge part of my life, sometimes to hide fear admittedly. But David and I have always managed to smile in adversity and so can now share very funny intimate things. Again, he now has more empathy with women.
The other change in David is that he will now, ask for help. Never did, would do it himself, sometimes with difficulty and never ask for any assistance whatsoever. He has always been reluctant to get someone in to help with the fields, the gardens, the animals, saying they were his responsibility and he loved all of it. After having surgery, he had to let me do more, we had a man come in to do the garden, at first under my husband’s watchful eye. Now we have a gardener, a ‘groundsman’ and the paddocks will be cleared very soon by a couple of local men who need the work. David is still finding it hard but recognizes he now has limitations. The good if there is any, of having this nasty disease and travelling this road together. All positive. During this unwanted journey, his courage, bravery, fortitude and humour have made me so proud to be his wife. Perhaps, having PC he can now appreciate things we both took for granted. These are, the Good.
The biggest change PC has brought about and that I am still working on, is that the only people who deserve our consideration, love and time, are those who show they are in our lives because they want to be. David told me today that the only regret he has in life is that he ‘hadn’t found me sooner, so that he could love me longer’. How beautiful is that!
Now for the Bad.
During this week, there have been many good people leaving our PC groups. Some of the posts on here took on a change, that I and many others, did not like or want. Some left for other reasons than the one I am talking about, because they did not agree with some postings on here. I have to admit to commenting and giving my opinion on one of the posts, because the whole reason for social media is to share ideas, topics, and opinions. Whilst I did not like the original post or the photo attached, I admire anyone who is now back to the life they had before PC.I am very happy for them as I am with David getting back to normal. I just didn’t need to see the photo posted. We all have the right to comment and freedom of speech, as a writer, is something I hold very dear. But photos that could upset others, I am not in favour of so I posted my comments, my opinion. Not rudely, not angry, just how I felt. Others became angry, some were very upset and I understand that, and it got out of hand and that makes me very sad. The groups on here are for support. That means supporting each other, not judging, not getting angry but being supportive. But as human beings first, and group members second, we will often have differing opinions, religious beliefs etc. We are all here for the same reason and perhaps we need to remember that at times. Me included. But I am sad because we have lost some good members and I would love them to come back. If controversial posts appear, I will have to scroll by as was suggested, I don’t want anyone else to leave this very important group. Without the men and women on social media, in the groups I belong to, these past years would have been unbearable. Make us smile, make us laugh, send in funny photos, give us uplifting news. Please keep these groups together, we all need them.
The other Bad is that I have read of many who have not survived the onslaught that is PC and my heart goes out to their families and friends. Reading of those struggling and seeing their bravery and courage uplifts me and gets me thinking that maybe having their kind of faith is the way to go. Been there before and lost faith. Maybe it is time to revisit that part of my life. Not sure yet. Maybe I can turn that into a Good.
The other bad about PC is the ‘F’ word. The fear it leaves us with. I have read that a man is never cured of PC. I won’t believe this. Naive? Maybe but I need to think positive or I can’t survive this. Many posts this week have said that no one is ever cured, even if ‘undetectable’. I disagree. I must have read everything ever written about cancer and it can be cured. We are cured. I will keep telling, myself and David this until or if, I have reason not to. I have to believe this or the fear of the ‘what ifs’ will return. The other change is how association is blotting my brain. Any new pain, ache, feeling David has brings the worry back again. Not only in our lives but that of people and animals we love. My little dog has cancer. Before David having it, I would have been very sad but would have been very sensible and not worried every-time she coughs or doesn’t eat. But now I hold my breath, wondering if this is the beginning of the end for her. As some of you know, my brother Tony is dying of lung cancer. He rings me now and again and that makes me feel so good. But now, if I see his number come up on my phone, I immediately fear the worst. My apprehension has been quadrupled by PC. A Bad.
Now for the Ugly.
Over the past weeks, I have been looking at photos, letters etc. reminiscing and holding on to the life I used to have. Bad thing to do in the circumstances. One of these memories was a photograph of my eldest daughter and her family on holiday in Tenerife. She looked so happy and the boys were loving it. She rang me a few times whilst there. When they came home and visited, her husband told us of a journey by jeep they took up into the mountains. There was a sheer drop one side and Lisa was scared and called out for me. Her Mum. Natural? Yes. I had always been there for her and she for me. It was the natural thing for a daughter to do when afraid. Now, we have no contact, her choice. There is a family matter that means she is having to face up to something she has done that was bad and yes, an ugly deed. What she has done, hurting my brother in the way that she has, I can’t be there for her even if I had wanted to be. I can’t help her. In any other circumstance, as a good Mum, I would have wanted to be at her side. Wanted to have been there for her and comforted her. But not this time. But I know, if she had not changed into the person she is now, she would not have put herself in this position. Change in this case is ugly. The beautiful girl she was has changed into someone I no longer recognise. Change is not always good.
In life, we think of cancer as always being negative and of course it is but sometimes the changes thrust upon us, if not immediately looking positive, can be. I have seen the vulnerable soft side of the man I married and I like it. Didn’t show because of anything good but because PC changes us in ways we don’t expect. It brings us changes that at first can only be negative and unwanted. It showers us with tiny subtle changes at first but them a deluge of things in our life change and the storm batters us into somewhat unrecognizable forms of ourselves. But we can retrieve the good from the bad. We can salvage positive from the Ugly and become better people from the journey. Some who read my blog have commented on my being strong. I am not. As you can see if you read right through from the beginning, I have been pushed to the points of despair with this nasty disease but somehow, always bounce back. Not the same as before, not always as the same person but bounce back I do.
I see the good in most people and I hope, they see it in me. I now also can see the bad in people, and situations especially if they do harm to me, or those I love. Now, I have been made to see the Ugly but I am still here. Change is growth so they say. Maybe that is right. Maybe it isn’t. I certainly am not the person who started out on this journey and who really, as most of us, didn’t want to be here. So, I will in the future, try to embrace anything that is different about my man, the people around me and the life I live. The seasons have moved on, Autumn is here and the silly season that is Christmas is almost knocking on our door. Try and remember that sometimes change can be for the better. As long as it is a change for the good.
Thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 