This isn’t the blog I was going to write , will leave that for another day. This past week has given me such mixed emotions and left me feeling sadness and fear in equal measures. At least I think that is what I am feeling. Not really sure anymore. I am wondering if PC has brought out a Carol Ann that has been well hidden and whom I don’t at times ,recognize as me.
I have written before about feeling emotions I didn’t know I could feel and having thoughts alien to anything I have thought before I began this journey. Such strong anger, hatred, selfishness and others. We are, I hope, David and I, over the worst, there may be more to come but we are trying to look forward and not let this cruel disease define our lives. At least, that is the intention but I find myself struggling with that at times. Times like today. I am discovering things about myself that are a bit scary and at the least confusing. I don’t show this confusion or fear to anyone but it is with me currently all the time.
Cancer of one kind or another is following us around as I said last week. It is a sad time for us, ‘here on the farm’. A family funeral this week, my brother’s health deteriorating both down to the dreaded ‘c’ word. I have been told I am strong, I must have been to have kept going, kept fighting and not thrown the towel in. Or maybe I never had that kind of courage . I don’t know. I do know that I have to keep reminding myself of a saying I have lived my life by, or did. ‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how’.
So now, after the year we have had I should be happy, relaxed in seeing my beloved David fit and well, our daughter happily married and living in a wonderful part of the world, surrounded by my animals. So why can’t I be? What stops me from just living and relaxing relieved that the worst time of our lives is now past. People think I am , happy I mean, I fool them everyday. Makes me think of a song from the king and I. ‘I whistle a happy tune, hold my head erect, whistle a happy tune and no-one will suspect, I’m afraid. The result of this deception is very strange to tell, for when I fool the people I’m with, I fool myself as well.’ It worked in the past. Yes I can fool those close to me, those I meet, but I know, the ‘fool myself as well’ isn’t working.
This week, getting ready for Sheila, David’s sister’s funeral, planning to see my brother Tony and face him, knowing what pain my daughter has caused him and his family, I am afraid. Not scared of him or what might be said, he has told me he doesn’t blame me for her actions but just afraid of the feelings and thoughts in my head. I am reminded of the times as a child I felt inadequate, helpless and yes, afraid. Within my family, the little girl who was me, was often left feeling that way. Now, going back into the family to see him, brings back that horrid feeling big time. The past few years of emotional bullying by family, mostly my youngest sister and eldest daughter, left me wanting. Then David having PC, the tests, surgery etc. wore me down in a way I hadn’t thought possible. I have been able to hold on through all of it. Look after my husband, be there for him even though I was secretly falling apart. I never showed him that. Now another family death, the thought of soon losing my brother, the little girl in me is evident. My self confidence today is at rock bottom and I feel 7 again.
PC takes its toll on partners as I have said many times before, it is different from other illnesses, other cancers, I suppose because of the outcomes of treatment. The relationship you have together sometimes changes a great deal. The groups on here know what I mean. Yes the man has the illness but the woman feels every emotion going. She may change in herself or change towards the man she is with. But change she will. I have. This cruelest of cancers, with a little ‘c’, tries every ounce of patience and fortitude we have. The literature at times is confusing, the comments on groups can also be baffling at times. No one knows how it is for us unless they have travelled the same journey. It hits us, along with any issues we are going through and barges in unrelenting and leaves us battered and bruised. No wonder we change.
I try and spread awareness of PC wherever I go, to anyone who will listen. We need to let younger men know, that if it is found early, it can be cured. To older men, we need to do the same and never give up hope. It is the hope I cling to in dark moments. I always say now, David HAD cancer’. Not that he HAS it. I won’t let it define us. Maybe I am wrong, but the word ‘Undetectable’ is etched on my mind and I go there, along with Hope, when I need reassurance. But today, that is not working.
Maybe, with this latest death from cancer, the 5th in as many years, in my family, I am just worn out. I wrote a blog May 21st 2017,’The Thief and Vandal That is PC’ , likening myself to a garden ornament I have. It was orignally a Squirrel, but over many years, the wind, weather and the elements , it has been worn smooth and doesn’t resemble anything. Well today, I feel like that. Unrecognisable, worn down and nothing like the person I know I am. I don’t recognize the woman writing this blog. She doesn’t feel like the strong witty, professional lady of a few years ago. I did think she was back but I don’t see her today. PC on top of the previous years of bullying by family, ill health and David having cancer, I feel broken. Thought I was okay, but today feel like a broken china doll. What has happened? Not sure but I don’t like it one bit!
I tell others on here and in my work, to look after themselves. I understand when they say they don’t have time to do that, I really do but it is so important. Wish I had heeded my own words. I try and help other wives and partners, even it is only making comforting comments when they write, I feel an empathy with them and want to help. It’s easy for me when I see them struggling, especially those just starting their journey or those who have reached their own rock bottom, I want to help. I need to find that ‘want’ to help myself.
Going down to Hampshire since my daughter shut me out of her life, is always hard. The most natural thing to do would be to visit her and my 3 grandchildren. But I haven’t been able to do that. This time maybe I will. I know none of what has happened is my fault, this latest blow she has dealt my brother has nothing to do with me but leaves me embarrassed, ashamed and guilty as I have said in previous blogs. But none of it is down to me and I know that. I am not scared to see her and today feel I need to do this, for Tony, for Lisa and for myself. What is the worst that could happen? I can’t feel any lower than I do today, if lower is the right word. I’m her mum and always will be and I am scared for her. I accept that people change and I also know that with the wrong influence, a person can lower themselves to another persons standards, I know that is easier than to raise yourself up. David has always said that I have unrelenting standards and that sometimes other people find it hard to meet these. Maybe he is right but I raised both of my daughters to those standards of honesty ,kindness, truth and being responsible for their actions. My youngest daughter has no issue with this and neither did Lisa before she fell into the grasp of someone with no morals, her aunt Trisha. The sadness and anger this fills me with has no bounds. I am so scared for her and my grandchildren’s future if she doesn’t make things right with Tony before he dies.
So today, sitting in my study, I want to feel stronger, I want to feel better and less sad. I want to be me again but don’t know how. Yes it is a bad day today and the monster that is Fear, is back bigtime. It’s my husband David who had cancer, not me. Even I am fed up with telling myself this because it feels like I have had it, this feeling of being drained, tired of being tired, sad, angry and a little lost. We have changed, me and my husband. David is much softer now, more emotional that he was before, not afraid to show his feelings now. He also just wants us to live our lives without the people who cause us so much pain. I don’t blame him. I love the new man even more if that is possible but feel I am today, letting him down. Over the past 18 months, I have learned so much about PC and other cancers that sometimes it feels it is the only thing I can think of. Thoughts of death and loss are my constant companions. This past week and a half, the doubts, the what ifs and the ‘F’ word have overtaken my peace of mind. Just when I thought I was okay.
What am I afraid of? Losing David. Every little pain he has, every wince or off day, I am scared that he might be ill. Scared the cancer might come back.
I am scared of losing my brother, the only constant in my life, the only friend within my family.
I am scared for my eledest daughter, the court case, the outcome. Why should I be scared for her after all the pain she has inflicted on me and my family here? Because she is my daughter, my first born? Because I care? Because I raised her and she was a huge part of my life for 46 years? All of the above. Because I love her and will always be her Mum.
The nightmares are back. The helpless abused little girl, is ever present in my dreams. She was always afraid, all the time, and she is back. Maybe my sister in laws death has affected me more that I realised, I don’t know. Maybe thoughts of what might have happened are raising their ugly heads. I don’t know. As I said at the beginning of this blog, my feelings and emotions are confused.
I try telling myself we are out the other side now. PC has had to relinquish its hold on us. David is back to normal, fit well and happy. We have together endured so much, as other partners on here have. Many have had other stuff going on and that makes this journey so much harder. I tell myself how strong we are but today do not actually believe I am.
PC takes us on a journey of endless waiting, fear and apprehension. It subjects us to tests beyond the physical and more than some other illnesses. Our partners have the illness and we show support, care and love, mostly calmly and quietly. But inside our souls are silently screaming. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. I now want to scream out loud.
I read with huge sadness of those in our groups who have lost or are losing the fight against this monster PC. I read of men with terminal cancer and it breaks my heart. I feel ashamed to be in this low place I find myself today. I am so grateful for David recovering and should be looking forward to our future. But the worn down squirrel remembers what she was like before and she wants to feel that way again. Now.
I know what depressed feels like. I’ve been there. I know what anxiety feels like, I’ve been there. But this underlying feeling of all the mixed up emotions mentioned before is new. I am not sure it has a ‘label.’
I find myself waiting for a knock on the door. For the phone to ring. For that next blow to hit us in the face. I suppose that could be it. The thing that is causing my confusion and pain. The fear of not being able to cope with that next punch in the face.
I need ‘angry’ now. I can cope if I can get angry, it hides the sad.
I have been angry at cancer with a little ‘c’, so often over the past few months, years. Angry at the time lost , stolen from David and me by family. Angry and what Lisa has done to my brother. Angry for me is good. It helps me cope. Angry being sad’s bodyguard, it allows me to function.
Maybe I just don’t have the strength of it anymore. I don’t know. Maybe the emotions I feel today are just too confusing, too mixed up ar just too strong to allow angry in. Again, I don’t know. What I do know is that I need to find myself, the strong person who has lost her way. The strong woman who has always fought hard for her family, her profession and her truth. I know she is lost today and I need to find her very soon.
Haven’t read this back but know how I feel whilst writing it, so might not publish it. If you are reading this, then I pressed ‘Publish’ and apologise to anyone who finds it self indulgent. Pain does that to a person, especially emotional pain. So I am sorry.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 