Started Saturday 21st October
It’s a wet grey miserable day ‘here on the farm’, as Storm Brian arrived in its fury. We had been talking about this past year and the family ‘nasties’ that have happened and how we were glad to be out of most of it now, travelling the rest of 2017 close to those we love and who love us. Reading PC posts this week, I have been very sad at some posts saying that some members, have left the groups I belong to, because comments made have hurt them or caused them pain. Not upset with them, but just the fact that they have felt hurt or angry within groups we all belong. Places where we should feel safe and respected. I myself have not seen anything that has upset me and for that I am grateful but it seems that the reason for the groups I belong to, support, awareness and friendship, seem to have been forgotten by some members. Admin has had a difficult time and taken a lot of flak for allowing people into the groups and this being the result. I know nothing about how Admin work but I am sure they allowed these members in good faith. It saddens me that people I have become close to, my new virtual ‘family’ have left groups and been disillusioned by these events. As I said, I don’t know the facts ,only that some have left, so can’t comment further on this .
When David was first diagnosed with PC, I came onto Facebook and looked for people going through the same pain as we were going through. I found 3 or 4 groups and many many ‘friends’. I have had support, genuine understanding and yes, love from my fellow travelers on this horrid not signed up for journey. I could name some of these people, men and women but because of privacy I won’t. They all know how I feel about them and how grateful and full of affection I am for them all. Without them, because of David’s diagnosis and the family ‘stuff’ I have endured these past 3 years, these groups have been my salvation and I would never have survived. They listened when I cried out. They sent love and support down the line to me and gave me strength and time. Something I now don’t get from family I have lost through my honesty. Members have become as close as family, as close as being the same blood, could ever be. Apart from support from a few members of my birth family, the past years particularly the last year, would have been unbearable and very lonely. So thank you all.
Today, we had a fierce reminder of how fragile the thread of life can be. How, out of the blue a family can suffer a huge loss without warning. A phone-call hit us very hard. I saw the colour drain from my husband’s face, saw the shock in his eyes. For me this look brought back the ‘’F’ word with all the ferocity of the storm raging outside. Fear. Family is a strange place in which we find ourselves. No choice, no being allowed to refuse entry. Family is where we began and where we find ourselves. Even when they live a huge distance away, even when they are estranged from us, family can still hurt us, cause us pain and leave us in a heart-beat, rendering us grief-stricken and wanting. David’s family, although not in touch often, are still a close-knit family and in earlier years when everyone lived in Portsmouth or surrounding areas, still gathered together for family celebrations. None of them had ever ‘fallen out’, no cross words. But as life took us all in different directions, contact was not often enough. When we visited Hampshire we would try to visit them all, but sometimes this wasn’t possible. During all the pain of the past years at the hands of my family, David’s youngest brother died of a brain tumour. It was a huge shock and we were not able to go to the funeral because our daughter Marie was suffering Thyroid storms and couldn’t be left. Another horrid time for us both but especially my husband. The call that shattered our Saturday was David’s brother in law informing us that David’s eldest sister had died. We didn’t know she had been ill, possibly for the same reason we never told his family, except for his son, about the PC. Didn’t want to worry them. Sheila, his sister, had breast cancer and it spread to her liver, just as it had with his Mum and my eldest sister Georgina. I can’t express on here how I feel about the ‘c’ word. I hate it! I am angry again today. Another life lost to this evil disease. Damn! Damn! Damn! cancer!! It steals people we love, it takes our peace of mind. It steals our calm, our happy and our hope. For me, it is a trigger for the ‘F’ the word to appear in all its ferocity bringing back feelings of fear,helplessness and anger. Coming up here to my peaceful study, to write my blog is my way of dealing with the anger. As some of you know, I use this emotion, at times, to deal with the huge ‘sad’ that I feel. Anger helps me do this and I have no qualms about using the hate word in relation to this destructive, damaging, evil thief of people we love. David is out with his beloved ponies, gaining strength from our little rescues that only they seem able to give when I am in this place. This evening we will sit together on the sofa with our cats and dogs and comfort each other. What a year my poor man has had.
This has been yet another massive reminder of how life can be snatched away in a flash. We are now in the autumn of our lives, our little dogs are also getting old and poor cat older. Just after this phone-call, Cody our eldest dog, began to be very sick and shaky. I know we have to expect this as he is almost 13, but part of me wanted to shout, ‘Not now’. ‘I can’t do this now!’ The negatives, the pain and loss these past years have far outweighed the positives. I had been feeling quite strong but now this. What next screams my heart.
I try to look ahead, I really do. I plan to go back to work, work I love and everything is in place for this. But every-time I try to move forward, wallop another nasty barges into our lives and leaves us breathless. It is times like this that I also avoid answering the phone. My brother Tony is terminally ill as some of you know, I expect that call any day but pray it won’t be yet. The pain he feels at the betrayal of my eldest daughter Lisa and our sister Trisha, hurts so much and I am helpless to put that right. Losing him will break my heart. My family is getting smaller and this will please those who have caused so much pain, especially my eldest daughter who hopes, I ‘will grow old and alone, die on my own’, her words. What a cruel unkind person she has become. This won’t happen as I have Marie and good friends but one by one my circle is getting smaller. Hence the value I put on my FB friends, friends who understand my pain and fear. Some I have met, some I will never meet but that doesn’t make them any less real or valued. Virtual yes, but trustworthy always. If I write or comment on my groups, someone will always write back. I do the same, I write and comment on posts where I think I can be of help or support. I write to some members privately and offer support as a friend and sometimes as a professional. These are my new family. I think myself very lucky and feel proud to have them as such.
Today’s blog is to talk about ‘family’, my expectations, my surprises and my losses and gains. I find myself on the outside of some lives where I should be very much a part of. Not my choice. Not my doing. Bad dishonest behavior should not happen within a family but it does. Family should be there for you as I have always been for mine. Not showing off just saying it as is it and always has been. Many of those who have turned their backs on me will, if they look back, remember the times I have been there for them. That isn’t why I have helped in the past, it isn’t that I am a do-gooder either, it was always because….. they are family. In the same way, we take so much more pain from people, just because they are family. If anyone was in trouble, I would try to help. If someone was lonely, scared or sad, I have always done my best to comfort them. Why? Because they are my family and because I love them. Family should be with you at times of grief. Times of worry. During illness and especially at times of the ‘f’ word. When Fear enters your life for whatever reason. Were they there for me, when I was going through hellish times? Were they there when David was first diagnosed with PC and our lives were turned on their heads? Marie my youngest daughter was. My son was also. My brother Tony was and always has been there although not able to help as much as in the earlier days, because of his own illness but he was always at the end of the phone. I have few real friends and yes I know they would be there for me if I asked. But family outside of us ‘here on the farm’? No. Listening and believing lies and stories with no foundation, they turned their backs on me. I had done nothing wrong and I so needed my family.
Joining PC groups on Social Media was a life saver for me. To talk to like-minded people, those who were travelling the same road, those who had travelled and reached the other end and were living their lives to the full. Some who sadly will not be cured and are living with an incurable, life shortening type of this cruel disease. They all gave me a place to vent, scream, swear and question anytime I needed. I received a listening ear, people giving me one of life’s precious gifts, their time. They encouraged me, giving me the strength to go on. Each showed me support, strength, calm and yes, love. Just as a real family would give. This showed me that you don’t have to have been born into a group of people, to belong, to be family. You can reach out, you can then accept all that you need from people who are sincere, caring, and full of empathy. Real warm human beings. That is what makes a family. The depth of feeling and understanding, both from those who have been there on this journey none of us asked to take, and those new to it, makes me both humble and proud at the same time. Yes they are ‘friends’ but to me they have been as good, and sometimes better, than family and I love and respect each and every-one of them.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my ‘real’ family and my virtual one. On Social Media, I have been allowed to share my story and hear those of others in the groups, bringing us together in a unique way. I have been given trust, read individual stories of pain, fear and loss in a way that is priceless to me. All of this has given me the courage to fight on, not only with David on the cancer journey but for my own self-respect and self-love. Referring to the beginning of this blog, I really hope those who have used the groups in the wrong way, will not spoil the integrity of each group for other sincere members, including myself.
Do I love my birth family? Yes. Some are misguided and have been fooled by my daughter and younger nasty sister, but I still love them. Lisa was my first-born and loved beyond belief. I still love her, or rather love who she was. The betrayal of my trust over the years, the betrayal of her dying uncle has made it very hard to like who she is today. That happens in families, I know that now from experiences of others. But the love will always be for my daughter, the child I raised. She can’t change that, as much as she thinks she wants to, I am her mum and there is not a damn thing she can do about it!
So the purpose of today is exactly what it says in the picture and words above. Family is not always those born to us. I never really belonged in the one I was born into. Throughout life, I have been treated differently because of my parentage and so never belonged. I have a wonderful husband and daughter, a new son-in-law and my son in Hampshire. I also have some very close old friends and some new. More than a lot of others on here. But the family I have been welcomed into because of the PC, is something I value beyond understanding. Of course I would rather not have become a member for the reasons we all join, but a huge positive out of this horrid time is meeting everyone I have met. No, family does not have to be blood. It is a shared empathy, a shared kindness borne out of deep understanding and respect for each other. What is it they say, ‘God gave you your family, Thank God you can choose your friends’. I chose to join my PC groups and now would like to think of you as my friends but more than that. My family. Aren’t I a lucky lady!
Thank you for reading.xx
carolannwright 