How fast life can change, too rapid for me to find the brake and bring it to a temporary halt. To stop it from running away from me, out of control. How often these past few years have I felt like that.
I have talked about the ‘nasties’ that threatened my writing career and reputation. At times threatened my sanity. I have told of the damage this did to me and my family ‘here on the farm’. How my peace of mind was stolen and my sense of safety diminished. How ‘family’ have tried their best to ruin my ‘Happy ever after’. And then the biggest thief of all. Prostate cancer. That horrid disease stole so much from me and others who have suffered its onslaught.
This is the time in our lives, mine and David’s, post PC, post nasty family stuff ,when we should be relaxing, enjoying his still being here, enjoying the lack of hospital appointments and the endless waiting for tests or results. Yes this should be a good time for us. Those of you who have travelled this journey that none of us asked to take, either alongside of me in my blog, or in the groups I am part of, you all know how cancer with a little ‘c’ can steal our peace of mind. Our confidence. Our time. In return giving us anxiety, sadness, anger and hurt. Cancer steals so much and gives nothing good back!
Once again this week I have heard friends being told that PC is the ‘good cancer’. That if you are going to get cancer, this is the one to get! Rubbish! Saying these things, for whatever reason, steals the sufferers right to feel as bad as some do. I read an article on social media about Gleeson 6 being a ‘bogus cancer’, not needing surgery! Stealing from sufferers, their ‘okay’ or ‘steady’. Their safe. The safe that comes from making the right decision, either now or having made it and had surgery.Those concerned about making the right decision re treatment, those who have had surgery, have been thrown into confusion and fear. There is no place for this kind of talk. No necessity. Unforgivable. THERE IS NO GOOD CANCER!! End of. It’s a lie!! I can remember in the early days, when life was getting almost too much to bear, people would say ‘oh that’s’ alright, it’s the cancer to get ,if you have to have one. It’s the good cancer’. I wanted to scream at them, ‘then you have it! I don’t want it, David doesn’t want it! There is nothing good here!’ But I knew they thought they were helping. It doesn’t help.
The other thing was, people not understanding my fear. Not acknowledging how it was affecting me. They would say, ‘you don’t have cancer, David does! ‘As if that makes it alright! PC affects both of us, in any relationship between man and woman, PC will have ongoing effects, as well as the huge anxiety and fear during and before any treatment. It is really a couple’s’ cancer if there were such a thing. We are in this together and the side effects will change us both and our relationship. That doesn’t mean it will destroy it, make it a bad or lesser one , just that it will change. By people saying things such as these, they stole my ‘right’ to be affected in the way that I was. Stealing my giving myself permission, during this horrendous time. Making me feel lacking in some way. I know it is ignorance but it is still a theft to me.
I have said this before, PC doesn’t come in isolation, it doesn’t come and begin a new worry into our lives, separating us from worries we already have. It came to us when I was already at rock bottom with ‘family’ stuff, I was worn down when it reared its ugly head and turned what was left in my life, upside down. That was when I almost broke.
People think that it is only material things that can be stolen from us. But of course it isn’t. Death steals people from us, stealing the love they gave and changing our lives. We are helpless to stop it. My brother is terminally ill with lung cancer and that continues to scare me. He has been a constant in my life and not having him is unthinkable. I lost a sister and my best friend to this evil disease, in the past few years,changing part so my life forever. Stealing those I love. Then PC threatened to steal my rock, my life, my David. But so far we have beaten it off with a big stick!
We are almost out of the other side and as I said, this should be an easier time, a relaxing time and a happy time. But it isn’t, courtesy of my eldest daughter Lisa. I wrote a personal blog on here ‘The Damage and Danger of Rewriting History’. I wrote it because I knew she read my blogs, and I have no other way of contacting her as she ignores or refuse my emails. I wanted to give her a chance to put things right. She didn’t. I also wanted to point out the dangers of children not knowing their parentage, or family history. This came from my having to contact my husband’s estranged son and tell him about his father having PC. I had to tell him as this can be hereditary.
Because of the ‘gossip that Lisa has spread about me, her children, my grandchildren have been told that the man who is her Dad, is not her dad. That the family she came from on her father’s side is not her family. We both know this is not true. We both know who her Dad is but I am not there, with the people she is gossiping to, to counter this. To tell the truth. To reassure my grandsons that Terry, her dad is indeed her father. I don’t know why she is doing this. I have no idea, all I do know is that she is running out of ways to hurt me. Last year, causing the trouble she did with my publisher was, I thought the lowest she could go. I was wrong. Putting the nasty lies and stories on social media, about her parentage, about her Mum, is unbelievable and cruel. I know where these lies will have come from and am not surprised at that person but Lisa is my daughter and has always only been told the truth. It was my honesty and the need for truth that made her shut me out of her life 3 years ago, so she knows I only ever tell the truth. Although she wants nothing to do with me, she keeps on coming back with new ways of causing me pain and trouble. But this is step too far. By denouncing her parentage, she is stealing my grandson’s, her son’s heritage. Stealing my past but most importantly,stealing their past, leaving them not knowing where they came from. That again is cruel. By telling her stories, given to her by someone who has had no part in our lives for almost 40 years, her aunt, my youngest sister,she has denied Terry’s ever being a Dad. She is his only birth child. That again is cruel. More so because it is not the truth. By doing all of this, she has stolen the beauty and wonder of the day I gave her life. It was a hard birth but worth every minute of pain. Why would she do this! I don’t know. The heritage of my grandsons, is precious. My mum in law was a wonderful warm lady who loved me and adored Lisa. The whole family welcomed me into it as soon as we met and we remained friends for many years after my marriage failed. Terry, her dad,was a kind, caring man who was a good husband and father, for the short time we were married. He and I and Lisa because I told her when I wrote my book, know the reasons for the marriage not working. I want Harrison and Jordan, my grandsons, to know this history, to know where they came from. They look so much like their granddad, or rather Harrison does and Jordan looks like Terry’s brother, their uncle. Lisa looks like her Nan. The other issue here is medical. With denying her parentage on her father’s side, she steals the boys medical history, medical knowledge that could keep them safe in the future. Theft of an unforgivable nature. All of her lies, damage people I love and steal the truth. My daughter seems to be waging a war but she is the only one fighting.
My need for honesty comes from my growing up in a web of lies. I didn’t know that the man who had brought me up was not my father. I was told this, during a ‘row’ with my mother. I was 17. I was shocked and felt bereft. The reality of who my father was, was horrendous and stays in my mind up to this very day. Suddenly, my whole existence, my whole life was thrown in the air and I felt that I didn’t know who I was. I don’t want this for my grandsons. Remembering the pain of that discovery, why would I!
So, no, we are not relaxed, not enjoying a peaceful life when we should be. I find it hard to relax and so David is not as happy as he could be. Why do we take so much more from family than we would from any one else! Why do we let our children hurt us so much and do nothing! Unconditional love? Surely this should go both ways, shouldn’t we at least expect some loyalty from our children, and less intentional hurt? Why should I sit back and let Lisa steal my peace, my happiness with her lies? Why should I. Because she is my daughter? I think not. Daughters do not try to destroy their mums. These past few years have shown me, that it is David I should be thinking of, David who deserves my love and time. I owe it to him. I also owe it to my grandsons that they don’t lose their identity by a history stolen from them. I also owe it to me.
We still have the next PSA to face in a few months time but we both refuse to be anything but positive about the results. As for the contents of this blog. There is nothing more that can hurt me, affect my life, our life. I have minimalised the attempts to hurt me further. I came back like a phoenix when my book was taken off the market and it is now once again selling and reaching those it can help. This latest attempt to bring me down, although it saddens me for the reasons given, I can’t let it beat me. I am back writing and looking forward to getting back to the work I love. Because of the regulisation of Counsellors and psychotherapists, something I agree with, I will have to be re instated with my Accreditation level, by my governing body for CBT, before I take on the work I want to do. I was Accredited for 15 years but this lapsed when ‘family stuff’ made it impossible to work and then David having cancer, kept me out of the ‘right place’ emotionally. The re instatement begins tomorrow when the board will look at my application. We work so closely with clients and I have always agreed that people in my position should be scrutinized before they are allowed to do my kind of work. The criteria for re instatement is stringent but necessary. I am hoping it won’t take long. There will be no hiccups so it should be straight forward. The hopefully normal service will be resumed, as they used to say. Whatever ‘normal’ is.
On another note, for those on my groups, who read the report I have referred to, on the Prostate pages, do your own research. Talk to others who have already been there, talk to us , we know what it is like. We know the pros and cons and ultimately, only you can decide what to believe. But remember,too much reading is also not good. Take it in tiny chunks and then you won’t be, like I was at first overwhelmed.
On a last note, emotional theft is sometimes carried out in stealth. So be aware and don’t let any one steal anything from you. Your confidence, your self-esteem, your peace of mind or your sparkle.
Thanks for reading x
carolannwright 