This past week has been a mix of emotions and memories. September, as I said last blog, is sometimes bittersweet for me. Tuesday 7th is the anniversary of my Dad, William’s death. He wasn’t my ‘real’ dad whatever that means, but the man who was there as I grew up. He was an ex Royal Marine who fought for his country in the war. He was kind, caring and sometimes witty. He died the year I met my husband, 1985 but I still miss him and knowing he was always there. How sad he would have been if he had witnessed his family, my family, falling apart the way it has . If he had seen, how within our family, people can inflict hurt upon each other and tear each other apart. No, I am glad he hasn’t had to see that, it would have hurt him so much.
The 8th September this year, was our Pearl Anniversary and we had a lovely day. It is so hard to believe that it was 30 years ago that we married. And they said it wouldn’t last!Most of the 30 years have been wonderful, my fairytale, but a few of late have been spoiled by outside influences. Although, David says his only regret, is not meeting me 20 years before, so that we would have had each other in our lives for so much longer. My only regret is allowing people in my life to hurt him, berate and spurn him and try to ruin what we have. I think that is their issues, not ours. So Friday morning, the 8th, saw us recipients of gifts and cards from our youngest daughter Marie and her husband, our giving each other our gifts and then off out to lunch. We drove to a little village that we like and may retire to next year. Found a gem of a place to eat and relax. During lunch we talked of when and where we met, smiling at the memories. The last thing either of us wanted at that time was a relationship. But it happened and we haven’t looked back since. We talked of our wedding and honeymoon and had some private giggles. We have shared many wonderful holidays, mostly in the Greek Islands and talked about those memories. This brought up the subject of my children and I began to feel a little sad but would not let that spoil our day. Family is important, but these past years have shown me that ultimately, when it comes down to it, what’s important is my husband and our life together. When we married all those years ago, on a lovely sunny day in Hampshire, David didn’t sign up for the pain and hurt we have suffered, or the hurt he has seen me go through at the hands of family. He didn’t sign up for the trouble that they brought to our door. But like me, he did as he reminds me, sign up for life. We vowed to love each other, support each other both in times of trial and sickness or in health. His love has been tried and tested to the limit and he stayed right by my side showing support, encouragement and love. For that I will always be grateful.
When PC hit him I thought that I might lose the man I love. I was scared, terrified that it would steal him away from me. I knew very little about this nasty disease and was not sure he would be okay. That was a test for me. I wasn’t prepared for how it would affect me, how it would scare the hell out of me and leave me wanting. Fear returns sometimes by association. If in an earlier part of your life you have been afraid, really afraid, by some kind of trauma as I had with a life of sexual abuse, it can sometimes be triggered, just by a word , an action, a feeling or even a smell, to throw you right back there. Whether the source of your fear was yesterday, last year, or in your childhood, you can suddenly find yourself back in that moment. The fear then stokes the furnace of your subconscious memory and the inner child in you is terrified once again. I know this feeling only too well. When David was diagnosed, little Carol Ann, was, as in my blogs, very present. My grown up self, had to work very hard to replace those memories by throwing everything into the quest for knowledge about PC, the cancer with a little ‘c’. Also sharing my fears on here.Reaching our Pearl anniversary is a milestone and we intend to have many more years of happy, in the future.
Saturday, the 9th has been a very hard day for me these past years, being estranged from my eldest daughter. It is her birthday, so lots of memories. Thoughts of the day she was born.Thoughts of many children’s parties, lots of happy children and noise. A house full of pretty things, cakes and goodies and everything a child’s party brings. I hope she had a lovely day in the life she has chosen. I don’t wish her anything but happiness from the life she has chosen, with the people she has chosen but I don’t believe the latter will happen. All I can do, is watch from a distance and hope she realises how hurting people, especially those who loved her will not bring her happiness. I wrote to her last week, giving her a chance to make this right. It was ignored. I will now have to take things into my own hands, have no choice. I try so hard not to think of her and my grandsons but memory is devious and creeps up on me at will, bringing it into my present.
We have all had a wake up call this past week I believe. The storms that have ravaged the Caribbean and islands in its path, have been the focus of the news. Thousands of desperate people fleeing their homes to try to stay safe. Whole islands destroyed, devastated. I can’t, like anyone, watch the images coming out of these storm damaged places, without feeling the desperation of the people hit by hurricane Irma. My heart goes out to them. Mother Nature is more fierce and destructive at times, than any man-made war can be. Why do world leaders threaten destruction on other countries for whatever reason? Why do neighbours fight with each other? Why oh why do families fight between themselves? Why, when forces out of any one’s control can cause such havoc and pain and huge collateral damage? We have talked about and been warned about global warming since I was a teenager, so what is anyone doing? The governments arguing between themselves, preening their feathers and strutting their stuff, would be advised to look at this. Spend the money they have on changing it and preserving our beautiful world for our children. Spend money of curing diseases, such as cancer, that if they don’t kill, like PC they can damage and sometimes destroy lives. Why can’t they spend more money on research, not on weapons with which to destroy?
Now to the Reality in my title. One of the legacies of David having PC is the fear element. It was for me, already there as I have said. Fear has always played a huge part in my life, especially in childhood and young adult hood. My husbands diagnosis saw the trigger pulled and I was back there, in the fear and terror. To some extent it is always with me. Every time David has an ache, a pain, I begin to think of a ‘what if’. I feel fear when I think of the future, I nearly lost it back last year, what if I am not strong enough for whatever life sends? Will I be able to cope if it returns or indeed if David becomes ill from anything, in the future? The reality is that we are getting older, the cancer has made us both more aware of that. We don’t think old, we don’t really feel old but we are, as everyone is, getting older. Reality. I am currently afraid of us not coping this Winter, looking after 6 ponies the land and house etc. I don’t have good health and as I get older, maybe the illnesses I have could get worse. I think David having cancer has left me vulnerable and I sometimes see this in my husband. I know he gets tired much easier than he used to. I know he sometimes finds all there is to do here on ‘the farm’ too much although he tells me he doesn’t. But, I also know he is not ready to hand our beloved ponies over to Marie, yet. I also feel he is not ready as I am not, to leave our wonderful place ‘here on the farm’. Because Marie is now living more than an hour cross-country to us, she won’t be coming every day as she does now. Summer that is not a problem but come the bad weather, if the ponies are in every day, mucking out 6 stables twice a day is going to be hard. I worry if we are going to be physically strong enough to do this. My own health problems prevent me from handling the hay and bedding, so my part in looking after them will be limited. The ‘f’ word is back in full force when I think this way. Another fear, is that David has 2 brothers both of whom had brain cancers. One sadly died quite young. David himself has had two skin cancers removed and is awaiting another. So all of this sees Fear back big time on low days.
Marie is my confidante and my best friend, seeing her almost every day has been a bonus to us both living close but that now will change. I will miss her but know it is necessary and am so proud of the work she is intending to do on the farm. I wouldn’t tell her how I feel about missing her, I wouldn’t want to spoil this time in her life.
The title of my blog is about Emotions, Memories and Reality, all of which I have covered on here. They all have one thing in common, the ‘F’ word. Sometimes I am afraid for others here, on the groups I belong to . I see those just beginning the journey, I hear their fear, their confusion and their ‘what ifs’. I can’t help them, but sharing my thoughts, my feelings and emotions I try. Sharing my memories of the journey I am taking with PC, I hope brings some comfort when they realise that other people feel just as scared as they are now feeling. More importantly, that we have come out, or almost, the other side. Not unscathed but still here, still fighting and grateful. It is up to us survivors, yes I say ‘us’ because as I have said many times before, our men can not get through this nasty disease without our support, our encouragement and a sense of appropriate humour. This is one disease that affects us both, maybe in different ways, but still affects us and our lives together with or men. PC can be cured, it can be lived with but sadly, caught too late, can still kill. The side effects are bearable when we think of them as payment for surviving and still being here. People don’t always understand any of this, that is why we all have to teach them. I have talked of my pride in my husband for the way he has handled this illness. His strength, his pragmatism, his bravery. It can cause psychological damage to some men, feeling they have lost their manhood. Less of a man. Believe me, as a wife, I don’t think like that. David is still the man I married 30 years ago, still the man who I love and who loves me. I am proud to be his wife.
I am going back to work soon as I have said. I am going to look into giving talks to groups about PC, making people aware. This will not be to men alone because I feel strongly that wives and partners need to be prepared for the part they will play if their husband succumbs to PC. How it can affect them as well and their men and how it can change relationships. I hope to teach techniques of survival as I have done in the past for trauma, after all, that is what we have all experienced, during this horrid journey, trauma. I believe strongly that the best people to ‘teach’ others about things such as this, are those who have been there, read the book and worn the T-shirt. Nothing can prepare us in full for any of this but I will try. So I need to stay strong. Yes I have a blip now and again because the legacies of such diseases can be hard to rid yourself of. Now, when I find that Fear is playing a big part in my life, I use a technique to rid myself of this nasty feeling. Going back to work is good for me and good for my homelife, it is something I put aside when the family stuff began and then the PC raised its ugly head, but I need and want to get back to it. Back to my normality.I don’t want to take on too much work because I will need to help David, in any way that I can with life ‘on the farm’. But back to work I intend to go!
This post, in part may sound negative but the reality is , that it isn’t. At least David and I have a future. Denied sadly to many on here and in my personal life. I never intended to grow old gracefully . I always said, like my late friend Mo, no matter what, I will go there kicking and screaming for as long as I can. That’s what strong Carol Ann wants to do. If little Carol Ann emerges, sad, scared or hurting, I need to know how to nurture her and keep her safe and let my strength, that I hope I have found once more, look ahead with a positive outlook. Maybe next September will see me free from unhappy memories and having made happy, cancer free memories, with my husband ‘here on the farm’. Or somewhere new, who knows.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 