The Past, The Present and ‘What If’s.’

Thursday 27th July is imprinted in my mind forever. It was the day, one year ago when our world turned on its head. The day we entered a different world and not by choice. Our happy, love filled life together as a couple, despite family trying their best to destroy it, changed to a life lived on the edge. The days of relaxation with our animals, long walks with our dogs and time in the house and garden at our own pace, changed to  weeks full of doctor’s appointments, tests, hospital visits and lots and lots of waiting. Yes we were still here ‘on the farm’, nothing had changed….. Everything had changed. With 3 little words, from a doctor who looked as though he should still have been in school, we were sent  into a place we didn’t ask to go, a place we didn’t want to be and where we couldn’t find the path back. Back to the normality that over the past few long years we had fought hard to retain.

The trouble with an illness like cancer is, that it is just that. Yes it is an illness that  I can identify with so much. But ‘cancer’ has another definition in the dictionary.

“an evil or destructive practice or phenomenon that is hard to contain or eradicate claims so many lives”

It is a blight and can spread, it’s treatment is often exhausting, scary and sometimes cannot control the spread. No wonder the biggest emotions it evokes is Fear. At least, it is for me. It is also an illness that spreads beyond the symptoms themselves. It spreads into the very being of the sufferer and their families, particularly their wives or partners. Spreads and spreads. Gives little or no peace of mind,, no that was stolen at the diagnosis. I haven’t found it again as yet.

The legacy of PC that I struggle with , is the ‘what ifs’. Sometimes these can come crashing down on me and I am lost. I try to plan ahead. All the things we had begun to do, even when life was fraught, as it was pre cancer, with family stuff weighing us down. Last year, when cancer with a little ‘c’ stopped us so violently, from doing the things we had begun,we are now trying to do. Looking to downsize. To get on with our lives. I want to go  back to the work I love and was good at, that stopped while I was fighting for my reputation and writing career last year. We need to move on now, whatever that might mean, after David’s surgery, even though we know we may not be out of the woods yet. I try to be positive. I thought I was winning. I really believed life was getting better. I have gone back to writing my 4th book, made arrangements for my Private Practice to resume. I was pushing ‘c’ away with the same violence it hit us with . Yes I thought for a while I was winning.

But.  It is always there; the empty place setting at the table. The elephant in the room. The spectre at the feast. There. Right there in front of me everywhere I turn. I can’t rid myself of the memories, the dread, the ‘what ifs’ but mostly the Fear.

Sometimes after a ‘good’ day, I manage  to relax. I can sit with my beloved husband, my cat on my lap and our two little dogs next to us. Just being together, close. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes I actually find myself laughing. Yes laughing. Then suddenly, as though something in my head clicks in and shouts, ‘What are you doing laughing? What have you got to laugh about? How long will this last? How can you be happy?’ I am back there. Like a slap in the face I am back there. Back with the waiting. For tests. For results. For post surgery etc. etc. Once again my old familiar, yet unwanted companion is back, gripping hold of me in case I try to run. My worst enemy, from childhood, from the past few years and most of all since David’s diagnosis, the ‘F’ word rears its ugly head and has the last word. Fear has a vicious hold on my fragile being.

Yes the legacy or one of them, of this nasty disease, is that fear can return so quickly with no warning. The ‘what if’s’ are never far away. Association, something I have written about on here before, is so powerful and can throw you back to the depths of despair where you have already been on the journey that is Prostate cancer.

We had to see our GP at the end of this week gone. I have a poorly wrist and so have been for X-rays etc. David has a small lump on the side of his nose. He had it scraped a years ago but it is now back and bleeding. Our GP read the histology from back then and calmly told us it was cancer. The gift that keeps on giving is here again! Although we know it is a basal cell carcinoma, not dangerous unless it is left, and although  we know it can’t kill; just  the word ‘cancer’ was enough to send my mind spinning. Back to last year. Back to my brother curently suffering from terminal cancer. Back to all the friends and family I have already lost to this destructive evil force. Couldn’t stop it. my mind I mean. Had no control over where it went or how speedily it went there. Fear was evident and I had to hold on so tightly to keep ahead of this latest nasty, to hit us head on. Just by implication it was enough to bring my mood down and the worry back big time.

David? He was just a bit annoyed, more doctors ,more hospital appointments more treatments and more waiting. At first I thought we should put off the search for our next home. Wait and see what this latest news brings. Wait and see what the ‘what ifs’ bring. But then I thought, this tiny little letter of the alphabet, ‘c’, has already stolen so much of our lives, our time. We will not allow it to steal anymore.  I have to remove its power to control and hurt us as I have done in the past in situations that were painful. Remove the power. Maybe Carol Ann was still there. Maybe a tiny piece of her old positivity and resolved broke through, who knows.

The end of next month, David will have his 6 month PSA. We are of course hoping against hope that it is still undetectable but if not, we will face it together as we have done everything in the past. He is now waiting for surgery to remove the cancer on his face. We can’t ‘waste ‘ anymore time. We can’t let this illness, cancer, dictate anymore of our life. I have to dismiss the legacy of fear and fight back. I don’t know if I can because I feel quite fragile but know I have done it in the past and so should be able to do it again. I have to be positive against all odds.

So.

I will go back to work. I will finish my current book. We will finish renovating and we will find our next home. We will fool any illness that tries to get the better of us and this includes cancer with a little ‘c’. Somehow.

Me? I must throw out the ‘F’ word, with the rest of the rubbish that has come my way in the past 3 years and live for David and for today. Sounds so easy. I know it won’t be. Yes today is a bad day. Yesterday spent with my daughter was a good day. Maybe from now on, the better days will become my norm. Let’s hope.

Thankyou for reading. x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright