Firstly today, I would like to just say how sorry I am for those who have lost loved ones to this horrid disease and give my love to those who are still struggling. I think when a member of the group leaves us, it affects us all and I know myself that my thoughts are with all of you who have suffered this in the past few weeks particularly.
Something I have always felt in my life, is the importance of saying Thankyou to those who deserve it and sorry to those I have hurt or upset. I realised today that I need to say this here, in my blog.
It has been a strange week. As some of you know, I am making memory boxes for my children, my grandsons and my grand-daughter. I will write each a letter, enclose photographs of them as children, photos of anything that meant anything in their lives with me. What came to light this week, is that I have very little to leave my son Jonathan as he was adopted as a baby and so his childhood is not known to me, sadly. I know one day he will ask questions about his birth father that when asked on our reunion, he didn’t want to know. I can’t leave it this way, I need to gather information on him and write about our relationship. I am sure one day he will want to know his heritage and so I am putting together a scrap-book for him of photos and press cuttings of the man who fathered him.
Part of this search has put me in touch with a lady who unknowingly played a huge part in my life at one of the worst times of my life. She proved to be a good friend and confidante when my own family didn’t want to know. She came round when I needed her, spent time with me and my daughter Lisa, who was 3 years old at the time and tried very hard to make things right with the father of my 2nd child Jonathan. She knows the truth, she was there and for that I will be eternally grateful. I was a mess after my son was taken from me, at a time when I was very ill and unable to care for myself properly. She tried her hardest to help me but when it was ‘over’ I moved away and we lost touch. I have always wanted her to know that I am reunited with my son but most of all to thank her. So Thankyou so much Sandy. I have never forgotten our friendship and glad to have been able to talk the other day. x
Over the life of this blog, ‘My Journey’, I have vented my anger, my pain and my fears. Those who have read it have shown me nothing but kindness and love. I Thankyou all. When I began this journey none of us wanted to take, I was already beaten down by family stuff and felt so fragile that I was scared I might break. And break I almost did as I have said on here before. David says how strong I have been throughout his first diagnosis and then surgery and recovery. I never showed him how I really felt. How I thought my life was in free fall and that I would soon hit the bottom. No. I did that in this blog and shared everything, warts ‘n all. Sorry if this has proved too much for some of you but Thankyou to everyone who has commented and shown love and support. What is it they say ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Well I believe that now. So I want to say Thankyou to my ‘family who I won’t name again as I have already done that in earlier blogs, but yes Thankyou for throwing all the nasties in my face because without them to make my resolve stronger and giving me the ammunition to find my fighting spirit, who knows if I would have known how to fight without your input. How strong would I have been if the last 3 years had been as they should have been, full of love and kindness as I see in other families. Yes it was horrendous and painful and nearly brought me to my knees but who knows, perhaps it was like a practice run for me to be able to deal with real trauma, real worries and real pain. After all the rubbish you threw at me, I am still here when I thought I might have floundered. So again Thankyou, you made me strong.
Another Thankyou is to everyone on social media especially Facebook for allowing me this platform to vent, cry, scream and share. For all the likes, the comments, the posts that helped me and to everyone who has made me smile of which there are many. Thankyou.
And now the sorry’s.
Last year and the previous year, after the nasty comments on Facebook on Mothers day, I openly posted on Facebook, all my anger, my hurt and pain and all the nasties that were being showered on me. I did this because the people concerned made sure I couldn’t contact them directly. They posted horrible things on my page, sometimes in made up names like ‘Bonnie Bon’ and made sure I couldn’t contact them. Cowardly to the extreme. To keep myself safe, to prevent this from happening every-time I turned on my computer, I took all those concerned and those around them, off my page , off my lists but the nasties kept coming so I knew that somehow my page was being read. On realising this, I began writing my side of what was happening, and everything that I needed to reply to , on open Facebook and that was not right. So here I am apologizing. Saying sorry because it was private and personal and should have remained that way. My only excuse is that I was going through hell. With our fears around David and PC and my own ill-health, my daughter Lisa and her aunt trying their best to ruin me and my writing career, I didn’t think. So. To my brother Tony who I love so much. The family still in touch with me. I am sorry. To my niece Tina and her family, to every one of my FB friends and anyone else who read these posts. I am sorry. I have tried to put things right but failed so this is the only way I can say it.
My Fears for the future.
Next month David will see the consultant and will have had his PSA test. He is recovering well, no issues and has regained his strength. So why I am worried? I guess it is because I at first was concerned but had been reassured by the consultant as his levels were not that high, he had no symptoms and his MRI and Bone scan were clear. So going for the biopsy results I was fine. I have told the story if this appointment in a previous blog. I fell apart. My world turned on its head and all the nasties and , all the horrid onslaught by family of the preceding years faded into insignificance. ‘We found cancer’. 3 little words that threw me into blind panic. Life has been this Journey ever since.3 little words that completely floored me. David, as I have said in the blog referred to, was okay. Pragmatic to the letter.
So now, almost 5 months after surgery, David is well and I thought I was okay. But as August draws near, the ‘F’ word, is returning in force. Fear is never far away. The ‘what ifs’ I had promised I wouldn’t allow in, are back. I asked my husband how he felt and he said he never thinks about it. If things are not as good as we want or need them to be, if the news is not good, we will deal with it. His words. He says he will not let what might happen influence life today. ‘We will deal with whatever comes’. What faith this man has in us. In himself yes, but in me? I have to live up to this. As I have said before, I have no choice I just hope, once again I can come through and be as strong as he thinks I am. Over the years since 2012 especially, I have got into the way of expecting bad things to happen. They have. I have to once again work on staying or rather being positive. Being who my darling man thinks I am. Being who I sometimes see glimpses of, a strong woman. Strong Carol Ann. David says he sees her all the time. I only wish I could acquaint myself with this woman and then maybe the ‘what ifs’ will become something of the past. Perhaps I will ‘whistle a happy tune’ for those who know the King and I. Fooling others and therefore fooling myself.
I read a blog this week, one I always read by a friend on Facebook, a member of a group I belong to Mark Bradford. It was about how his friends dealt with him talking openly about his cancer and his prognosis. They were his close friends, his ‘inner circle’ and they were very honest in response and I felt this a useful exercise. I felt Mark learned a great deal. I admire his writing, his truth, his honesty and his faith.
As some of you will know, I have lost a sister, in the past few years to the dreaded cancer and now have my brother with terminal lung cancer. He lives in Hampshire and we can’t get down very often to see him. Distance sucks. I talk to him sometimes twice a week and we always make each other laugh. Something we have never lost over the years. 22 years ago Tony was diagnosed with an illness that affected his memory and we were told it would only get worse. His wife and I took him for a nuclear scan at Haslar hospital and were told that Tony had about 2 years to live. That his memory would decline and that his quality of life would not be good. Lin, his wife and I were devastated but Tony seemed fine. His memory is not bad. Not as bad as mine on some days. He has been ill and almost housebound for a while now but remembers everything about us as children, everything I tell him about life ‘here on the farm’ and so we enjoy some happy phone calls. My reason for telling you this is that they were wrong. The doctors knew very little about the illness Tony suffered. Multiple Infarct Dementia and I am sure gave us the prognosis that they reached at that time. I am happy to say they were wrong. So my reason, as I began to say, in telling this, is that I suppose, with everything that is happening, I am hoping they are wrong again. Wouldn’t that be good!
For a few years after we came to live in Wales, Tony and Lin his wife visited for holidays sometime 3 or 4 times a year. It was lovely having them and sharing the beauty of this lovely country with those I love. During these visit Tony often talked of his death, his funeral plans etc. and always managed to make us laugh. Not a funny subject but like me, Tony used humour to disguise how he really felt. We both do this now on the phone. Talking about this, hurt, of course it did but he needed to do that and we were okay to share this with him. He has a wonderful sense of humour and sometimes others don’t appreciate how we are able to laugh at each other and ourselves. I believe humour is a necessary part of every aspect of life if it is appropriate. I need to find my way back to this now.
So there you are . Some of the Thank you’s I needed to say. Some of the sorry’s also. At this time in my life I am realising my mortality. Seeing posts on SM about those who sadly lose their lives to illness of various kinds, but especially PC,throws me back to the fear of losing David. My own manner of dying and of those around me. Morbid? Maybe but happening. I think a cancer diagnosis , apart from the recovery etc. does this to a person. I never used to think about it; death, but do now. I read of strong people okay with their lot. Those who have a great faith, okay with whatever God throws at them. Well, forgive me but I am not. The ‘F’ word unfortunately is stronger than that in my case. David’s op went well .His post op results were good. Not aggressive and no reason to think it would come back. So no reason to worry. When did I ever need a reason to worry??!! The past years it seems it is all I have ever done. I have searched and searched for the worry button so that I can switch it off as you can most things in this technical world. But to no avail. So worry I will I’m afraid.
Well that’s it for another week. Off now to feed my beloved ponies and walk the dogs. I will work hard on my positivity and try to bring that next time.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 