One of the things I will never forget on this long hard journey of mine, is the waiting. The initial waiting for the first PSA result. The waiting for the next 2 tests and results. Waiting for the appointment for the MRI. Then waiting for the results. Waiting in the next room for my husband after his biopsy and then the waiting for the results. Waiting for surgery and then spending the day in the day room waiting to see David after his operation. Waiting! Waiting! Waiting! . The fear was immense throughout, the what ‘ifs were always there entrenching me in thoughts I didn’t want to think. Being told my beloved husband had cancer was horrendous. My life seemed to spin out of control, our world turned upside down. David seemed fine, I was a mess.
So why would I want this for anyone else? Why would I want to tell someone that a relative of theirs had PC? Why would I do that? How could I do that? Did I want anyone to have this all engulfing fear I had suffered? Of course I didn’t. I even thought of keeping this whole ‘experience’ to myself, not tell those who needed to know. I didn’t know how to broach the subject. I wasn’t sure the person concerned would even enter into conversation with me. David wasn’t sure I should tell him, thought keeping it to ourselves was the thing to do but I soon realized that this was not an option. That not telling would be wrong. So my husband said, as I had been the only person in contact with this young man, if I thought it right, then I was to let him know what had befallen my husband.Bad news is never something told easily, bad news after a 30 year estrangement was beyond comprehension. But it had to be done. As you know, this is my story, from my perspective and so it is also my decision to write about this and was my decision to make the call.
PC can run in families as you know, or maybe you don’t if you are not reading this as part of my groups. It doesn’t always follow but is often in siblings and father and son. How can you know you are at risk if you are not told? How can you try to prevent it taking hold? You can’t. Going through the past 2 years has been hell and No, I don’t want anyone else to have to make this journey. But the alternative, not to tell, not to give this person a chance to catch it early, as hard as it was for him to hear and as hard as it was for me to tell him, it had to be done. But how do you tell someone, someone you only have a contact through private social media, and only 2 or 3 messages in 30 years,that his father had PC and that he needed to be tested?Not easily I can tell you. My heart was again breaking for the ‘what ifs ‘, this time,for my husband’s son.
For reasons I won’t go in for and not of my husband’s making, contact with his son ended when the lad was 11 years old. I have ‘spoken’ a few times, in the interim, trying to get them together but have never succeeded. People are too ready to believe what others tell them and not listen to both sides and so things were never mended. David feels too many years have gone by now and they both agree that they would meet as strangers so have chosen not to do this and leave things as they are. I never in my life envisaged having to tell David’s son a thing like this, to be the bearer of bad news and didn’t want to rake up old wounds for either of them but I saw no other way. No choice. This wasn’t about me but about trying to give this young man a chance to catch something that he might have, at an early stage. A chance to be rid of this cancer with a little ‘c’ if he had it while it is in the early stags. If he didn’t than that would be a bonus.
I will talk about PC and how it affects everyone close to the sufferer, to anyone who will listen. It is not a much discussed illness and needs to be, like Breast cancer. Men need to be aware, aware of any symptoms and aware of the availability of being tested. I wanted so much to go and see David’s son but that wasn’t possible so I privately messaged him and asked him if he would like to know about something re his father’s health that was not good news and he said he would. I prepared him for the bad news and apologized for making contact to let him know about PC. Thankfully he was okay with being told and has promised me he will take the test. Now I have to trust he will do that. I have no control over what he does with this knowledge. Did it feel good I had ‘warned ‘ him? No. But it was the right thing to do. I know he has support around him, a partner and family and I have also said that I am always here. Now all I can do is let go.
We’ve all had to do this to one extent or another, tell the bad news, to family and friends and it is never easy. Sometimes it helps them understand and sometimes helps us to share. In this day of families being spread either by distance or estrangement, that brings about its own difficulties. But I feel strongly, that if we can prepare others, warn them to take tests etc. then it is the right, although sometimes very hard thing to do. If PC touches a family, it doesn’t mean every male member will be affected but it does mean they should be told. Prevention is better than cure and catching a disease early is often also a cure. Yes its hard telling those we love that they might one-day have an illness; that they may have seen us go through hell and back to deal with, but not giving them a chance to get tested and treated at an early stage, is not a choice. It is not about how uncomfortable it makes us feel it is about giving them every chance to beat this nasty cancer and any other illness that they need to know about.
As some if you may know, from earlier posts, my brother Tony has terminal cancer. My 2 sisters, my eldest who died a few years ago, also had cancer. I have a pulmonary disease and other health concerns. I have a son who was adopted and who I am now in touch with. He has had many illnesses these past years, some serious and I have had to tell him about our family history. One of the worst things about children who don’t grow up with their birth families is the lack of knowledge of such things. Diseases, illnesses and health conditions. Today adoption is different. The parents history is recorded and given to the adoptive parents. This wasn’t done when my son was adopted, taken from me during a serious illness and placed with a family who knew nothing about his birth family and their health. I am so glad this is now not the case. My son now has all the information about my side of his birth family and has passed this onto his consultants. I hope it will help them be aware of the history and look for anything that might be passed on.
So now the next dilemma. Neither of us know anything about my son’s fathers illnesses etc. I went out with his Dad for almost a year but know very little about him after our son was born and he walked away.All I know is that he died many years ago and am now trying to find out as much about him, his health etc. as I can , just in case it can help our son. Not easy. Not good either, as revisiting that time in my life is so very hard and painful. But I need to do this for my son.
So this week has been a hard week but a necessary one. David is doing well and doesn’t see his consultant until August and we are trying to put that to the back of our minds. Busy looking for a new home, to downsize to and to finish the new kitchen that was started just before David was diagnosed and when everything stopped. I thought the worst was behind us and still hope it is but these past weeks, the story above has brought me to a new place on the journey, one of reflection, soul-searching and revisitation. Not good but necessary.
I have read on my groups of many warriors doing so very well and it makes my heart sing. But I have also read of those less fortunate and my heart goes out to them.
Please continue to spread the word about cancer with a little ‘c’. Keep talking about it, wear your T-shirts, badges and tattoo’s with pride. We need to let our men be aware of this silent killer and stop it in its tracks!
Oh yes, anyone out their who has relatives who don’t know about a health condition that could be passed on, please share your news before it’s too late.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 