I didn’t write last week, I was too upset and feeling very low. Cancer of any kind sucks! I hate hate hate cancer with a little ‘c’. In all its guises, whoever it affects it brings fear, hurt and anger. Not emotions any of us want or need. These past few years, I have had, loss after loss. Pain and hurt after pain and hurt. I know it sounds self-pitying and do you know what, I don’t care. I do feel sorry for me, for us, especially my husband David. Self pity is not a good quality but that’s how I feel and not sure how much more we ‘here on the farm’ can take. I promised when I began this blog, to be open and honest. So this is me doing just that.
I know a lot of what I write on here is not about Prostate cancer but it is my journey and the cancer that hit my husband with no warning, as with everyone else affected, doesn’t come in isolation.My journey encompasses every part of my life and becomes entwined with my every day life. Anyone reading this who has a loved one with PC will understand where I am coming from. I have said before, cancer doesn’t think, ‘oh that person has such a lot going on their lives, they won’t cope with me’. No. It hits us, bursts into our lives uninvited and tramples over every aspect of our being and that of our families. It is cruel, fierce and leaves debris within its path. Even if we beat it, we will never really be the same. Life will never be the same.Sometimes this is a good thing but in the early days, it can be devastating. The fear we had at the beginning, with diagnosis, is never far away. We may hide it well, life might get better but it only takes a split second for the fear to come back and the ‘what ifs’ to be present again.
If like me, your partner or husband has had the all clear,( at least for now), the fear that you had in the beginning might return at the very word cancer. Or is this just me? The long-term effect, at least for me, of having had my world turned on its head with David’s diagnosis, is that the fear I suffered as a child, returned and hit me hard. Now, after David having the all clear, I thought it had gone but it takes very little to bring it back. Just a word or a worry about a pain, or an ache and I am back there terrified. Hearing of someone else either in the group or someone we know, having cancer is enough to take me straight back to last year and I am in bits. This week brought every ounce of trepidation and I have not been good I am ashamed to say.
For those who know me, you will know how much my animals mean to me. My horses and ponies, dogs and cats. I suppose as I don’t have family apart from my youngest daughter and my beloved husband; the dogs and cat especially are my family and are treated as such. Back in January my little dog Ellie Mae had cancer and had surgery. We were told to be vigilant and that it may have spread. 2 weeks ago I noticed a little lump and we made an appointment to see the vet. The outcome was to take her last Tuesday to have the lump taken out, after investigating whether a scan showed any spread. The scan and blood tests were clear so we gave the go ahead for surgery. Then things didn’t go according to plan, I had a phone call saying that as everything was clear the vet gave Ellie a pre med and began to anesthetize her and her heart stopped and she stopped breathing. It was touch and go but they got her back. The operation was abandoned but they had found another lump and so they say it has metastasized. Now I know some might say ‘she is only a dog’ and if you do then that’s okay. To you maybe but to me, she has been my constant, her, Cody and Luther have been at my side all the time. Licked my tears when I have cried, sat by me when I needed company and loved me through the bad times of the past few years. So, to you I say, she is family and I almost lost her.
A consequence of this was the association of the word cancer. Fear was back bigtime! But for me it brought back the ‘what ifs’. What if David ‘s cancer comes back? What if it then metastasized? What if he isn’t safe yet? What if Cody or Luther die? What if! What if! What if!!!Just as the ‘what ifs’ had subsided, here they were again, like a slap in the face!
I try to be strong, honest I do. I try to stay positive, not let fear run away with me. Even though I try to be hard, so that nothing can touch me, I fail. I can’t stop illness and cancer with a little ‘c’ that seems to follow us around. Ellie is only just 9 years old we have had all of our dogs longer than this. Cody is 12 and Luther is 15 so that worries me now. The thought of losing any of them is so scary and I am not ready for this. Not yet. Not ever is I am really honest.
What PC has brought me, is the fear that life will never be the same again and I want it to be. I am worried all the time. Not able to enjoy this new life we have, post surgery. A life that is different but we still have each other. But the constant worry spoils everything now.
The thing I have not been able to talk about on here but that I referred to, that had given me so much sadness, has been resolved I am so glad to say. Because of things that happened over the past years, plus David having PC and my own ill-health, I let some things slide. I didn’t see this coming and it spun out of control and perspective. Last week I had reason to take a long hard look at things, including myself. For many years I have blamed myself for family estrangements, that of my eldest daughter and consequently the rest of my birth family. I had promised my eldest sister that I would try to make things right within my family and I failed. Leaving me feeling guilty and sad. I had tried, to bring the family back together but no one wanted to know, so I have had to leave it as it is. Although I don’t know the reason for this I can’t afford to spend any more time regretting or trying to mend the broken if others are not willing to look at how it has been for me. More recently I have been made ashamed to be the mum of my eldest daughter and blamed myself for her appalling lies and dishonest behavior, on allowing her over the years, to get away with far too much. But as a mum that’s what you do, isn’t it. But I was reminded yesterday by someone who knows us both that she is an adult and is responsible for herself. Not me. As a mum I just assumed that responsibility and now resolve myself of it. I have to.
The other thing I realised this week, is something I had lost sight of. Something I teach clients; that good communication of the right kind is imperative. Almost every problem , including world issues, get out of control through lack of communication. Being so bogged down in my own fears these past years, I lost the ability to do this, except on here. What I realise now is that the people I have needed to communicate with, don’t read my blog. Lesson learned.
Before Ellie’s diagnosis I had begun to see the beauty of this beautiful place we call home, see it again as I did before David having cancer. Beginning to feel safe in my life again, after the nasties of the past few years. Safe with my beloved husband, ponies and dogs and cats. Maybe, again, I became complacent.
What do I want? I want life before cancer. Life without the very word in it. I want my life as it was before I became this scared, hurt and angry person who I don’t sometimes recognize. I just want my life back.
We have begun to talk seriously about downsizing. Letting Marie take the ponies, keep them as ours but let her take them now she has her own yard. Lessening the workload but seeing them as often as we like.Buy a smaller more manageable home, near to her and our ponies closer to amenities , somewhere less secluded. Maybe right on the coast.
Do I want to do this? No. I love the wide openness of ‘the farm’. The wonderful huge skies full of the beauty of unpolluted skies full of beautiful stars. I love my river and the lakes full of wildlife and I love having a huge beautiful garden. I love the beautiful amazing views from every window of open countryside that changes with the seasons.Looking out each morning and seeing my beloved ponies grazing close to the house, a field full of wild flowers and another full of ducks is amazing. So why move? After the past year from hell I have seen how much there is to do here. The things I took for granted because David did them all. I hope and pray he stays clear of cancer but this year and the previous years ,courtesy of family stuff, have taken their toll on us both. We are both getting older and I fear it is too much for my wonderful man. Has he said that? No. He wouldn’t. But I can see it myself. Although I have said I love all we have here, I love my husband more.
I know it has been hard and sometimes during this journey none of us asked to make, I have come close to breaking point. Today I felt I couldn’t cope with any more pain and hurt but I know I will. Sometimes in my work, when a client is going through some unbearable issue in their life, I ask if they have ever felt that way before. Many say yes and then tell me of an horrendous time they endured and came though. I then say that what is happening now in their lives has no comparison and they realise they will survive.
For me, my childhood and young adult life was horrendous but I survived. The past few years have been horrendous, even before David being ill and I survived. So, I will survive today.
I also now acknowledge that the only person who can give me anywhere near the life I had before cancer, is looking right back at me when I look in the mirror. We are not out of the woods yet. We will have awful decisions to make quite soon re Ellie Mae and I know that although I can’t bear to think about it, I will never let her suffer. We will take care of her, spoil her and most of all ,love her. She is well at the moment, playing and eating but slowing down. As is Cody. Sleeping more, not as eager to go for walks. We will play it by ear as we have always done. I just reacted this time because of where I am emotionally. As I have said on here far too often, I will bounce back as soon as I have found Carol Ann again. I know she is there somewhere. Then life will get better, maybe not the same as before the dreaded ‘c’ but better than now.
Thank you for reading x
carolannwright 