This past year, the worst in my adult life, has been or should have been a wake up call. I was already in a bad place when it all happened, David having cancer and my world being turned on its head. Losing people I loved and the onslaught by people in my family, so was not well emotionally. Along with the cancer with a little ‘c’, there has been a huge painful situation here for us all that I can’t talk about because it is really some else’s story. This added to the pain and hurt I was already feeling, scared of what was happening and of the future; I felt alone with in constant fear. But now, that being slightly better and David recovering well, I thought I would be wanting to live life to the full. The cancer gave us a much-needed wake up call and we should be enjoying things and living for every day.
After a storm, there is usually a calm period, sometimes a rainbow. I am still looking for both of those. I read of others on here, having had a close encounter with death so to speak, making bucket lists. Doing all the things they always wanted to do. Making the most of every single day. Like being given a second chance. But for me, I don’t think that is possible. At least, not yet. I am so tired, exhausted and drained from the past few years that I seem to have lost my get up and go. My zest for life. My ability to enjoy. I am still looking for the worry button so that I can switch it off. I suppose I thought that after surgery, after David’s first PSA we would both feel exhilarated and wanting to get on with our lives. But if our minds go into depression, if they succumb to years of loss and fear, they cannot just switch back even though they desperately want to . Anxiety, breeds depression and that becomes the ‘norm’. Until you can find a way of having a new ‘norm’, living life is just something you struggle to do. That is where I find myself today.
It doesn’t just stop. After surgery, after the first undetectable PSA, the fear and worry, at least for me, doesn’t and hasn’t just stopped. It is like after any loss, you can hold it for a while, pretend and not think about it but it is still there. Fear of the ‘what ifs’, constant reminders of life now being different. The physical tangible reminders in the bathroom. The need to plan journeys in a way we never had to . And then a letter arrives for an appointment for my man, a hospital appointment and the fear is back big time. The fear is there, the pain is there and the hurt is back. Fear along with the ‘what ifs,’ what if the cancer comes back? What if something else happens how will we cope? The hurt is for what my family have put my husband through, by causing me such anguish, at a time he needed every ounce of strength to fight. The pain is all of the above. These memories haven’t gone, I wish they had, but they haven’t and so the emotions I have written about over the past year are still very much evident in my daily life. Mostly the fear. So, no it doesn’t just stop.
Because this has all made me ill, I have succumbed to seeing a therapist. If any of the losses, the changes, the fears had happened on their own, I would have coped. I have always coped but these all came in quick succession over a few years. So I have to give myself the time to grieve, to get myself together and not feel bad about it. I have spoken before about how cancer doesn’t care when it strikes. Neither do other worries, other people causing those worries. None care about where you are emotionally they just happen! Storm into your life and trample all over your emotions.
I wake up in the night again now, this stopped for a little while but is happening again. The thought that I could have lost my husband, my rock was sometimes more than I could bear. More recently, the sadness of the a painful situation I have no power to help with, has caused a great deal of worry for us both, although David being pragmatic, seems able to make sure it doesn’t affect him and tries to support me. I wish I was more like him. The pain and loss of family and my best friend. Loss of a grandchild I will never know and my grandsons along with my eldest daughter. The loss of my eldest sister and the baby who didn’t survive, my precious grandchild. Lots of losses that came in quick succession and didn’t give me a chance to grieve for any of them. 2012, the year I lost my wonderful horse, my confidante and friend began a nightmare that lasted in different ways for the following 5 years and doesn’t seem to want to leave me. At times during this period I wasn’t sure I would pull through. The huge sadness I feel for lost times, lost people, lost years; especially this past year for the sadness and hurt inflicted on us both, at a time we needed to be strong for each other, sometimes almost overcomes me. I have told of David holding me while I cried myself to sleep before his cancer diagnosis because of the family stuff. and being so strong I felt ashamed. I don’t think I was there when he needed me. He says I was there for him, when I say sorry for not being, he says I have been strong and that he couldn’t have got through it without me, my love and my support. I didn’t feel as though I was strong, or supporting him , I didn’t feel that at all.
Another thing this past year has brought back are the nightmares that plagued me as a child. Different of course but still as strong and as scary. As I have written before about my beloved brother Tony having a terminal illness. Lung cancer and every time the phone rings now, I dread answering ; another ‘just in case’. I speak with him at least twice a week and yesterdays call was warm and funny and we both laughed a lot, it was good. But in the middle of last night I had the strangest dream about him that left me very disturbed and upset today. Not about him dying but it was scary and muddled. Tony and I , out of all of the family, were the closest as children and we have a special bond, a special sibling love and I am lucky to have his. But another cause of my emotional state at this time is losing him, my one constant since childhood.
I have been told to write a storyline of losses, right back to childhood. Not doing that, it would be too depressing. My blogging, something I encourage clients to do, write their thoughts down, is a way of my processing my thoughts. I will continue to do this on here, if you don’t mind. But I am looking at the losses above and also the losses of the life we used to have before PC. came thundering into our lives uninvited. There is a lot of unresolved grief, I know that, grief that I am internalizing and that is making me ill and keeping me locked in this depressive place
Life is different now. Before 2012, David and I had enjoyed around 26 almost perfect years and life had been good and kind to us. Perhaps I became complacent and allowed life to disturb that, I don’t know. So it has thrown us a few curve balls as it does others I am sure. The pain , fear and sadness has not gone but maybe I need to be a bit kinder to myself and give it time. Perhaps other partners of men with PC have this problem, life not returning to a place they had hoped and wanted it to return to. Maybe I am just too impatient and expecting too much of myself and the situation. I don’t know. Maybe I am just not ready for the new ‘norm’ whatever it might be. What I do know is, deep down Carol Ann is still there. I just need to search and find her.
So life is different and I need to work on that new ‘norm’ but who says it can’t be as good as the previous one? No one. So I need to find me, find some peace and let go of my grief for things lost and people lost and look ahead. Not there yet but working on it.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 