Before last year, the year my life turned on its head, I was struggling with some family stuff, mentioned in earlier blogs. But I could still see the strong woman I had become over the years. I could still work, even if not as much as I had before, because of being rendered so tired from this struggle but still had the ability to work in my professional role. I was a family orientated woman, giving everything I could to those I love. At that time I had many things on the go, spinning many plates but coping as best I could. What I am saying is that Carol Ann the capable, assured, business woman and author was still here, slightly damaged and very tired but still visible. But as I have said, now,I feel broken, worn down by everything that life has thrown at me and my family.
I have a garden ornament, used to be a squirrel. It is stone and has ‘lived’ in every garden I have had for the past 30 years. It is weather-beaten, worn, slightly erased of features and a bit broken. Time has taken its toll and I know just how that little squirrel feels. He no longer resembles an animal, doesn’t look the least like a squirrel but…. I know he is one. That’s what matters. I keep him because of what he was when I first acquired him and if I can spend some time on him, he will once again stand in our garden as the furry creature I first bought.
In previous blogs I have, as was intended, focused on how PC affected me, affects me. My perspective of this nasty journey I unwillingly found myself on. It as hard. Sometimes now, still is hard. Yes David had the operation and then the all clear and I really thought that was it. That now life could return to normal, he would be well and I……. well I would be able to relax and be me. But the problem is, I don’t know who ‘me’ is anymore. Over the past year, I have been, as all partners have, a wife, a nurse, a carer, and sometimes a ‘Mum’ to the man I love. Don’t get me wrong, I did and do all of this willingly, I love David and will stand by him through anything life throws at us. But this year has left its mark and I feel broken, lost and different.
The broken is from all the worry and waiting. All the fear and sadness. All the anger and frustrations.All the lies and pain.
The ‘lost’ is because I now don’t actually recognize the face in the mirror. The woman looking back at me has aged, so much in these past 3 years but I have only noticed this recently.
The different is that now she seems to have lost confidence in who she is. Lost her own self-esteem and self-love.Just lost.
Like the garden ornament, bit by bit, I have been weathered by each and every storm that came into our lives. Family, my eldest daughter’s lies and cruelty, my writing career struggle, my eldest sister’s death, the illnesses of my son and brother and my beloved husband. I have won battles in this war, we hopefully have won the cancer with a little ‘c’ battle. I survived as a writer, won that battle but can do very little for the rest. But this is a war I intend to win or at least every battle that I can win. This is a fight for my very survival as a person. I have to win!
PC steals so much from us, vandalizes our lives and all we can do is wait, watch, hope and deal with it. We have no choice.
Last year, with a wedding having to be planned secretly, because of fear of family disrupting it, amidst all of the above I did keep all the plates in the air but only just. Only just was enough but after David’s operation and recovery, the plates, one my one have spun out of control and hit the ground. My last few blogs have shown this and today, realisation stepped in. This strong confident woman who could cope with anything and everything, is broken.
A saying comes into my head that I need to think about, ‘even broken crayons still colour’ Well, I am still colouring but the overall picture being drawn is not a good one.
So what should I do? Should I give in to this? Should I sit back and let life get the better of me? Of course not but I am struggling with how I move forward. I know I need to be mended and I also know that only I can mend me.
Today, I decided to keep a ‘Happy’ book. Something I have clients doing, those who suffer depression especially. Every day, I will write down something good that happened. Take a photo that means something to me. Write anything good that happens, into the book and keep memories. Then on ‘bad days’, I can open the book and remind myself that life is, actually okay, sometimes even good. It has always worked with clients, so I am giving it a try.
There have been many sad days, many frightening experiences and some funny incidents on this journey none of us wanted to take.
The side effects of Pc treatment were laid out to us by our PC nurse. David and I have compared ‘knickers’. Compared ‘pads’ and had many a giggle doing so. We have celebrated every milestone as I have shared on here. His first time, ‘making the trip to the loo’ in time.When he goes for more hours than before, not needing to visit the loo or staying dry, we hug and laugh and feel encouraged. The supermarket incident when he used the urinal for the first time, hugging and laughing in the aisle of the shop, much to the amusement of shoppers. I wonder what they would have said if they knew the truth of why we were hugging? He hasn’t had very much pain, even at the beginning of recovery, post operation, although we had been ready for that.Another positive. Still has aches around his new belly button but maybe that will go.
So, life has its ups and downs and I need to focus on the ups, as I hope all partners reading this will do. When I read the posts on the groups, I admit to sometimes, when I can see the post is going to be sad, I scroll past, if it is a ‘bad day’ for me. Selfish? Maybe, but I like to call it self survival.
I am the only one who can mend me as I said. I have done this many times in my life, mended myself I mean and am still here to tell the tale. Maybe moaning sometimes, but still here. This time, maybe because I am tired, it has taken me a long time, to acknowledge the fact, that we can all break and I am indeed broken. But most things can be mended and I am one of them as we all are.Maybe I will find a ‘me’ professionally, to talk things through with, as I don’t have anyone to do that with. Who knows. I have been told I have helped many, so I need to find a ‘me’ to help find myself. Sounds a bit American doesn’t it. Finding myself.
For all the wives, partners , girlfriends etc out there reading this, remember ,that even though we do these things for the men in our lives, even though the world sees us as strong, remember; that feeling a little broken at times is actually okay. I want to say that each post I read, especially from partners, gives me strength so Thankyou all for sharing.
So very soon, who knows, I might even be able to go back to work. But in the meantime, before I try helping others who are troubled, I need time to mend Carol Ann. Who knows, even the squirrel might emerge from this, a ‘good’ for my happy book.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 
Carol Ann I can relate to how you feel, here is our story, I’ll try to put it in order but it’s been ongoing for 5 years and events tend to blend and blur into a muddle, I wish I’d kept a diary from the start.
We started our journey with pc in February 2012. In April of that year he was told his psa was 275, after the usual tests were done it was said that the cancer had broken outside the capsule so removal was not an option, he’s been on hormone implants 3 monthly ever since. They performed a full body scan and found cancer in his bladder which fortunately wasn’t related to the prostate cancer, so an operation to remove the bladder cancer was performed and was successful – for a while. He had the usual angst of getting used to a catheter at first but that was removed after two weeks then after another couple of weeks all was well in that department. The bladder checks were then 3 monthly which went to six monthly, then yearly and just when you think you’ve seen the last of it, it comes and smacks you in the face again, the cancer has come back three times over the last five years, and today he came out of hospital after another successful operation – for the time being anyway.
A couple of years ago he developed a bowel problem and struggled for over a year with this, I watched him going downhill and really thought I wouldn’t have him for much longer, but then they found that the problem turned out to be a stone blocking the pancreas, and could only be removed as a last resort as it’s such a big operation and takes months to get over. So the stone is stopping the pancreas from producing the enzime which is needed to get the nutrients from the food which was passing straight through him. This in turn has caused him to be diabetic – neither diabetese 1 or 2 but something else. He has to inject insulin each day and check his blood three times each day and be very careful what he eats.
Because of the diabetes he has to be careful of his eyes and feet, and yes he has developed problems with both. He has had to have injections into his eye, the last one of these (we hope) next week, fingers crossed.
He has to see a podiatrist for his feel and now has to have two toenails removed, this will be done in August. Not sure where we’d be without our NHS.
On top of all this we also have my elderly aunt (95) living with us who has vascular dementia, so between the two of them there are always appointments to get to. Like you all this has taken its toll on me, but I’m lucky in as much as my daughter will look after my aunt while I have a couple of days away every so often.
My next little escape is on the May bank holiday, it’s a women’s walking weekend near Cardigan, I can’t wait to just get away and not have to look after or be responsible for anyone.
I will get a book for happy thoughts and things to look back on when I get down, thank you for that idea.
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Hi Jennifer, thank you so much for your story. I think sometimes we seem to get everything at the same time as I have written in earlier blogs.If they came one at a time I think we would fare better. I am so sorry you have had such a hard time. There are things I haven’t written in my blog that are so hard to deal with and I can’t talk about. This is just adding to the ‘burden’s I am currently trying to deal with. I am usually very strong, there for everyone else but find myself unable to be there for myself currently. I am so glad you have your daughter to help you and comfort you.You really do have so much going on and I wish you every bit of strength to help you through. Yes, please get your book, many of my clients found it a great help and as you feel better you will be able to compare your days. Thankyou for sharing and taking the trouble to write. x
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