Well this weekend was one of the most harrowing I have endured for a long time. Yes even after the past year, with my husband’s cancer, diagnosis and treatment. During that time, I was overwhelmed, terrified, sad and lonely, off and on, in equal measures. As those of you who have read my blog will know.
When David was about to have surgery, my brother was given his prognosis of a few months to live. My little dog had cancer and was in surgery and then my son, in Hampshire, contracted Gullian Barr syndrome and was paralysed. Some of you will know that I didn’t bring up my son, he was adopted as a baby, at a time when I was ill and had no-one to help me. The biggest regret and sadness in my life. I have always kept in touch with the agency who was involved at the time and when he was 21, they asked if I wanted to meet with him, apologising for the whole sorry ordeal of losing him. Since them we have been in touch. These past few years we have become closer and although I hadn’t been able to see him for a few years, I needed to see him now. So there I was, David fighting cancer, Elli fighting cancer;me ill with a vascular issue, my brother very ill and then Jonathan’s illness. Not being able to go and see those I loved was heartbreaking, so we decided on the spur of the moment to make the trip to Hampshire last weekend. A 6 hour drive each way but David felt able to do this as his recovery was going so well.
Because of commitments here ‘on the farm’ and illness in the past 3 years, we hadn’t been able to make the trip to see family, as we used to at least twice a year. So although I knew it would be difficult, we were looking forward to visiting. How much I had needed a hug from my brother these past 2 years is beyond description, especially during our fight against PC. We travelled down early Saturday morning and went straight to his home. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared for how frail he looks. Not ready to see the big bear of a man who has always been there for me, my big brother, so poorly and frail. My heart went out to him. He tried to get up but I stopped him and gave him the hug I had held onto for so long. I did keep myself together but it was hard. After initially listening to what he knew of his illness, what the specialist had told him and arrangement he had made, we shared some fun times, some good happy memories in my not so happy childhood. Most of my happy times were either with him as we were so close or with my best friend, another Carol. I reminded him of a time he called me out of school, once lunchtime when I was around 5 years of age and he was 7. I had been queuing for dinner and he said we had to go home. If Tony had told me the moon was made of cream cheese, I would have believed him. We went into an orchard and went ‘scrumping’. Eating plums and apples to our hearts content. After a little while we came out and sat on the pavement, feeling a little poorly. A lady who we knew walked past and stopped to ask why we weren’t in school. Quick as a flash, Tony said. ‘we are going to the dentist’. She smiled and walked on past. On arriving home, feeling the worse for wear, Mother was waiting with arms folded, the lady we had seen, was on her way to our house and said she had seen us on our way to the dentist!! Those of you who knew our Mother, can guess the rest. Tony reminded me of my helping him with his paper round. When I say helping, I marked the papers up, he sat on his bike with the bag across the bar, handing out the papers, one by one for me to run and deliver them to the appropriate house, facing dogs and anything else.Some days, he ‘didn’t feel well’ so I would go alone. Those days always seemed to be wet days as I remember, strange that. He was paid 10 shillings and sixpence. He gave me the sixpence. But I would have done anything for him and he for me so at the time, that was okay. We shared many memories that possibly no one else in the family know, funny times, cheeky times lovely memories for us both to cherish. I didn’t want to leave. He knew that, and I don’t think he wanted us to either. When Tony and Lin used to come to our cottage in Monmouth, Tony never wanted to leave. We have shared some wonderful times together, Tony and I when we were growing up. Some of my ‘in betweens’, for those who read my book. In the past years, firstly in Hampshire and then since we have lived in Wales, David, Tony and Lin and me. I will treasure them all. We are hoping to go down again as soon as we can, maybe see more family but really to spend some more time with my brother.
When we left, I was very down, I had found the visit both harrowing and yet good, all at the same time.To take the gloom out of the day before going to the hotel, we decided to visit my ‘old’ friend Lin. I speak on here to her but again, being able to hug her was one of the highlights of a sad weekend. She didn’t know we were coming but as always, made us very welcome. We talked and talked, I tried not to get upset as she has her own sadness but I learned a great deal about me on this visit. She knows me in some ways, better than I know myself. Some re-assuring, some enlightening.I took this as my positive, my treat for the whole weekend because it was uplifting to see her again.
On the Sunday we visited my son and I met his partner, someone I had only communicated with over email/social media etc. This was a good visit but again, a bit sad and scary. He is learning to walk again and trying to regain his strength. He is strong-minded and I know will do this. I looked at him and could see my brother in some of his expressions and particularly the way he laughed. David saw this as well. Whilst sitting there, I was thinking of all the lost years. All of the milestones I had missed. Again, I had to keep it together as I didn’t want anyone to see how I was struggling. Leaving him was as always, very hard.
So all in all, the weekend was difficult, harrowing, sad and scary. But on the other hand it was good to see the other two men in my life and hug them, good to see my friend and do the same. I also found the experience enlightening and encouraging as they all wished David a speedy recovery and showed how much they all care for us both.
I learned a lot over those two days, mostly about myself and also about how to make things right for those in my family. I haven’t been able to do that yet but have things in mind.
We arrived home on Sunday evening exhausted. I had been worried about David as it was the first time we had been anywhere and he still has incontinence issues but managed very well. I felt we had turned the corner, regained some normality after the most horrendous year. I felt emotionally drained and just wanted to go to bed. Oh how I wish I had done that and not let David open his post.
We thought it was all over, thought we had beaten cancer with a little ‘c’. perhaps we have. Perhaps I am worrying about the ‘what ifs’ all over again. But what cancer does to you is this. When it strikes, it has no thought or care for whatever is happening in your life at that time. You just have to manage the ‘c’ and everything else life has thrown at you. It leaves you with a fear like no other. You go through so many emotions and never really believe things are okay. But we thought we were okay. That life had thrown everything it could throw at us in the past 3 years. I hope I am wrong in worrying that there is still some nasties to come. So why am I worried? David’s letter told him, that a Bowel cancer test we had both taken, just before we went away, showed traces of blood. He had to do another test.
Not again! Not now! No more, I wanted to shout. Needless to say all the fear and terror returned. All the scary, all the angry, all the fear. We went to bed but I couldn’t find the worry button and so I never slept, even though I was exhausted. Although I sort reassurance from my group members and I am grateful for those who wrote, I am still very scared.
The worry stole my yesterday. I don’t even remember yesterday. Today I have accepted that maybe it will be ‘here we go again’. We don’t know until the test David did yesterday and today, has been done and the results come back to us. Yes worry steals today. It stops you being happy and it saps your strength.
I have worked hard on being strong again. I have always had to be, since a child but lost the ability during my journey with cancer with a little ‘c’, on and off. I need to find it again. I have always bounced back. Boy do I need to do that now.
I hope you are all doing okay and thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 