Today is Palm Sunday, the time to look back on past events and forward to Easter and new beginnings. That is the plan.
On Friday we saw the consultant surgeon who carried out the Robotic operation on my husband 6 weeks ago, the removal of his prostate gland. As some of you will know, I have wanted and yet dreaded that Friday ever coming. I only wanted the news if it was good and because of what happened at the biopsy appointment, I was very scared and pessimistic. It seemed at times such a long long wait but then suddenly it was here and I was terrified. I didn’t sleep the night before and travelled the long journey to Swansea in a bit of a haze. David was fine, just wanted to know the results Pragmatic as always but not me. We didn’t wait long before we were called in to see Mr Swamy and I took my seat furthest away from his desk. After all, I wasn’t the patient was I? I couldn’t have felt more scared if I had been. The consultant looked at me with great concern. ‘Why do you look so worried, so terrified’ he said kindly, I couldn’t speak. ‘Well I want to put a smile on your face’ he continued. Looking at my husband, he said,’Your PSA is undetectable and the cancer was not anywhere near as bad as we had first thought. Mild to intermediary’. Did I hear that right? Then David reached for my hand and turned and smiled at me. I wanted to hug the consultant, the nurse, hug everybody but couldn’t move. Yes David will still see him once more and stay in touch. Yes he will be monitored for 3 years but the words, telling us that the cancer with a little ‘c’ was no more was more than music to my ears. For now , it was over.
What I haven’t told you, is that my husband hasn’t had a ‘belly button’ since he had surgery for an umbilical hernia when he was 8 years old. The central incision for the PC operation has now given him that belly button. The consultant said that the fact is was missing gave him a problem in theatre, the ‘bb’ is the locator point that they use to ascertain where the prostate is and where to travel the instruments, David’s missing ‘bb’ caused issues for him and his team. But now he has ,like most people a ‘bb’ and his only concern now is that he might have bb fluff!
When we left the consulting room, I visited the loo and on coming out I almost fainted. Relief I suppose or this damned artery thing. A very kind lady came over to me and thought I had had bad news. I told her I thought it was relief and found myself telling her about David and the cancer. She gave me the warmest of hugs I have had for a long time. I wish I had thanked her more but I hope she knew how grateful I was. Sometimes people are so kind and caring.
After telling our daughter I wanted to share my good news with my brother Tony, who you will know has terminal lung cancer. I was reluctant to do this in the circumstances but Tony and David are very fond of each as Tony and I are and I had promised to let him know. I was so proud of his reaction, he was genuinely pleased and happy for us both. I love my brother and would so like to be closer and help in his care but I am not, so I can’t. But I know he is being cared for and supported by his son and daughters and that makes me happy. Family is so important at times like these.To be there, to share our own memories and give him a hug is one of the things I am longing to do. Once we know what I am having to have done, who knows …. perhaps…?
So that part is over, that horrible terrifying year, the worry, the fear, the sadness and anger over for now at least. We have made a pact, we won’t say David is in remission. David has cancer with or without a little ‘c’. We will say, David HAD cancer. Much more positive and necessary.
This past year, as those who have read all of my personal blog, not just the PC stuff, will know, has been horrific, even before the blow cancer dealt us. I have wasted so much of the early days, when I was still in shock from the fear of PC, on other things that became out of my control. I could be very angry at that lost time. Stolen time. I could be angry at everything thrown at me that made me ill when I needed to be strong for David. Angry at allowing myself to be treated so badly. Angry at thinking about stuff when I should have concentrated more on David.So much wasted time. So much anger. So much sadness.
But.
I will use my energy focus on my man. To be with him as I always have been but more present than I was at the beginning of this nasty disease that could have robbed me of the man I love. After this horrid year I need to try once again, as I had promised my late sister, to bring family together. I know one member will have none of it but I must try with others. There is nothing like a potentially life threatening illness and the imminent death of someone you love to make you realise how precious life is and how short it might be.
As other partners will know, everything else has to be put to one-side when the man in our lives has the diagnosis of PC. We push anything else in our lives as far back out of our minds as we can. Trying to give all of our focus and energy to our men. But these ‘things’, ‘issues’ don’t just fade away. They are still there and on bad days, they come like sledgehammers into our ‘now’. Our present, no thought for our hearts and minds being overwhelmed with this nasty disease. Try as we must, we can’t always rid ourselves of these intrusive thoughts, making the nasty that is cancer with a little ‘c’ even worse, if that is possible. When this happened to me, when other ‘stuff’ continued, it got the better of me. Sometimes I would write and the blog would be angry or sad. Yes of course the situation we and our partners are in, brings these emotions of fear, terror, sadness and anger but sometimes the ‘situation’, the before cancer situation is ongoing and it gets in the way. Takes us away from the most import thing. Fighting this disease together. It stops you in your tracks and you just want to scream and shout at the world.
If I have learned anything on this journey its this. It’s okay to shout. It’s okay to scream’ It’s okay to be angry and sometimes it’s’ even forgivable if those emotions are directed at the wrong ‘stuff’ or wrong ‘people’. It’s the silent part of you that needs to let go.Caring, loving and being scared for someone we love is normal. For those of you in the position I refer to ,can I just offer this. Don’t try to be strong. Allow the other ‘stuff’, the before cancer stuff, allow it,let it in. Let it come into your ‘now’. It won’t go away just because you ignore it. Let it in, give it some thought and if you can change things, act on whatever it is, then do that. If not, tell yourself it can wait and put it in the back of your mind, to deal with at a better time.
Me? As I said, I am tired of fighting, especially fights not of my making. I am tired of being made part of a feud that I have no idea of its conception and so can’t put it right. As I said, I am going to put my house in order. I had a long and surprising telephone chat yesterday with someone I haven’t spoken to for many years. We hadn’t fallen out, it is just that this person keeps himself to himself. Part of me envies him that. He made me think, although he admitted to only having one side of everything and wouldn’t take sides and I wouldn’t expect him to. During the ‘time before cancer’, I was being unfairly ‘assaulted’ from all sides and unfairly judged. I let my guard down. I lost my integrity and retaliated. At that time, I had lost a great deal, and was trying to get my head around David’s ‘could be ‘ cancer issues. I had been very unwell and had another family problem that was very painful. I felt isolated, bullied, betrayed and hurt. Just as I had been as a child. My ‘inner child’ came to the fore and I tried to defend myself. I couldn’t talk to the people concerned personally,as they had made that impossible so Social Media was the only way I had to put my side over and try to defend myself. That was wrong. I have apologised and regret that time more than I can say. I said things in retaliation, as a child would, that I should not have said. But I was hurt and angry. That’s what happens. Once again angry became sad’s bodyguard. I am sorry.
I am not out to win a popularity poll. I don’t want o be anyone’s ‘favourite’, I wouldn’t know how to react to that. But coming to the latter part of my life, after the year from hell, I would like to have family in my life, even if only on the net. I have no arguments with anyone. This now could give us all another chance.
I have bared my soul, spoken from my heart and don’t regret that. Honesty is who I am, how I live. Growing up in a web of lies, I have always had a huge dislike of lies and falsehoods. Perhaps at times I am too honest but that’s who I am. I just think this past year would have been easier with family in my life, that’s all. At times like these, as other partners will understand, having support, love and friendship is so important. We didn’t have that from family. But we got through it, on our own but not without huge love, support and friendship from the PC groups I belong to. I joined for information and gained so much more. Thank you to everyone for your help and support.
Now although I will still blog, I will begin once again, to enjoy my home, here ‘on the farm’. I can see again the beauty of this place we call home. Enjoy nature and my rescues and shower my man with every ounce of love I can muster. I know this isn’t the end of this journey but we have reached a place we can relax, enjoy and appreciate our life. Maybe I will begin to write again or finish the book already begun.
Whether I get family back or not, I have to try.
But today, nothing will dull my happiness. I won’t let anyone ‘rain on my parade’.
Tomorrow I will know the extent of my own illness and then onwards and upwards I hope.
So although there is a great deal of reflection in this blog, the overwhelming feeling I have today is relief. I hope all you reading this will understand and take heed of the message about letting go.
See you on FB soon.
Thanks for reading . x
carolannwright 