These past weeks I have read a great deal about forgiveness. Something I have done, mostly for family, over and over again. But some things are just too big to forgive. The hurt that is inflicted, the damage that is done and the pain endured at the hands of another, are sometimes just too huge to deserve forgiveness. I have realized this only too often over the past 3 years. As a child I attended church and Sunday School and was taught that to forgive was paramount. At that time in my life, things were happening to me that should not happen to any child. I knew I had to try to forgive but struggled and asked God over and over to help me. He didn’t. Now as a woman, I will never find it in me to forgive those who hurt me, hurt little Carol Ann.
Likewise, the past events, courtesy of my daughter and sister, that have taken their toll and left me reeling and unwell, can never be forgiven. The time stolen from me over the past years, time that should have been given to David and my family here; but were wasted trying to make things right, trying to salvage my name, my reputation and my living, were all so wicked and undeserved that forgiveness does not come into it.
We, David and I, have wasted so much time on others, people and things, that I think now were not worthy of our time or our worry, but were thrust upon us in the cruelest manner. So, no, forgiveness is not in the plan except forgiveness for myself for wasting precious time and energy and allowing things to make me ill.
Life should be so different, this is possibly the scariest time of my adult life and I should be able to pick up the phone and gain comfort from family and friends whom I spent a lifetime loving unconditionally. But because of the lies and made up stories ‘family’ are not there for me or us. Now at least, some of these family will realise who is telling the lies and who is telling the truth, some comfort I suppose. My daughter is still lieing and protesting her innocence in her latest nasty against those she has deceived but, I hope, longer being believed.I have a few close friends, family who now know the truth but as a parent, as we get older, as we go through the trials of illness, we should be able to gain comfort from our children, as they always have from us when ever necessary.
David and I met after our children were part grown and he has been a wonderful dad to Marie and tried with Lisa but was not really given a chance, despite his every effort. These past weeks we have both stared mortality in the face and made some would say, selfish decisions.
We are a few days from David’s operation for Prostate cancer and have talked a great deal about our children, all of them. Me having this latest heart scare has brought back happy memories of my daughter’s childhoods but also all the nasties of the past 3 years.
Now it is all about us. I need to get myself well, have the Stent inserted asap, after David has recovered. We need to put ourselves first, concentrate on each other, something we have never done because of putting family first. We have also taken care to plan ahead so that our beloved ponies, who can live for 40 or more years, are cared for, together as a herd, when we can no longer look after them. We are working our way through our ‘tick’ list and putting our house in order so to speak. and then will begin our bucket lists. We will love each other through everything life continues to throw at us. Yes we will get frustrated, worn out, scared and angry but through it all we will share our pain with the thing that has helped us through every other trial sent to us, humour.
Don’t get me wrong. We don’t intend on going anywhere, well not just yet. But it makes sense,this one time, to make sure everything is in place . A ‘just in case’ that puts our minds at rest.
Currently I am only reading positive posts on my group pages, self-protection if you like. I have learned so much from other sufferes of PC and they have comforted me, given me insight and strength and also made me laugh. So important.Thank you all.
So. Wednesday will see us off to Cardiff, having left the house, stables and barn covered in post it notes as reminders to our young friend who is house sitting. We, David and I will stay in a hotel close to the hospital for a night of cuddles and comfort I hope.
Thursday will see us at the hospital bright and early, well early at least, and I will stay in the building until David is back out of recovery, that will be the first time I will be allowed to see him post op.
We hope and pray that the operation goes well and straightforward, no hiccups but I will be close, if needed.
Then Marie who will have joined me in the day, will take me back to the hotel and stay with me for the night.
Friday, if all goes well, Marie and I will collect David from the hospital and we will return home and recovery will begin.
I only have a phone that makes calls and receives calls so I won’t be able to update as some on here do. But I will get back to everyone asap after we are home, maybe the weekend.
We know there will be down times, trials and difficult times. Things we have never faced before but we will be facing them together. We still have a long way to go on this journey we never asked to take but will take each day at a time. We won’t be thinking of the ‘what ifs’, only concentrating on recovery and love. One day soon, we won’t be saying David has cancer but David had cancer.
Please think of us and send your good thoughts. But understand one thing cancer with a little ‘c’, we are gonna kick your butt!!
Thanks for reading and watch this space. xx
carolannwright 