My blog is late this week as I have been unwell but as it is a special day, I felt I wanted to write aso here I am.Please escuse any mistakes.
32 years ago, after walking away from a failed marriage and a few relationships short-lived, the last thing I wanted was a man in my life. I had two daughters, my cats and my little dog, 2 jobs and was struggling to keep all the plates in the air. Money was tight but I tried to provide all that was necessary for my little family. I had some very close friends and some health issues but all in all life was okay.
A friend of mine who was recently divorced, persuaded me to go ‘clubbing’. I had missed all of this in my early life and it was glamorous, exciting and fun. Dancing was something I loved and stayed on the dance floor for as long as possible. Then one night, July 19th 1985, I met a tall dark handsome stranger, just like in the movies. His name was David. He asked me to dance, to my surprise and amazement, as I thought he had been watching my friend Julie, a very beautiful girl, but no, he had been watching me. He then asked to take me out the following week. We dated for a while but split up twice, because neither of us wanted a relationship but always got back together and married 30 years ago this September.
We had some wonderful times and some not so good, these, mostly courtesy of family. We moved from Hampshire to Wales in 1996 when David was moved to Bristol with the MOD. I became very ill and was told I would never work again and could possibly become disabled. I wasn’t going to let that happen and investigated any way possible to get back into the work place. I have always loved people and always been able to talk to anyone and have them open up to me if they wished to. So I took myself off to college, then University and embarked on my current career. I gained a Masters in Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy and opened my own practice. Wonderful years, especially working within the Valley communities of South Wales.
I wrote my autobiography that instantly became a Number One bestseller and life was good.Through all of this David was my support and encouragement. During the writing of my life story, mostly done at night when every one was asleep, I revisited the horrors of my childhood. This often brought nightmares and flashbacks. Again my husband was always there, holding me and keeping me safe.
In 2012, I was subjected to a nasty cruel hoax that continued for 6 horrific months and changed my life and my self-confidence and spoiled my peace. Then the following 3 years were the worst in my adult life with cruelty and bullying from ‘family’ as I have mentioned before. These were horrid times but my ‘rock’ would hold me while my heart broke, gently smoothing my tears.
The reason for today’s blog, is that through everything, good and bad, David has been there at my side. Hospital visits, of which there have been many. Animal losses, family and friend losses, always able to make me feel better.He has laughed with me, cried for me, held me and comforted me and has always given me back my ‘safe’. He has witnessed me at my worst and when my heart was broken by the very people who should have loved me.
Now on this Valentine’s day we are approaching the time for him to undergo Robotic surgery for Prostate cancer. That in itself is a scary prospect and he is being so strong. As I have said before, David doesn’t get stressed, he doesn’t worry and is always pragmatic. He sees the cancer as the bad apple in the fruit bowl and it needs removing. Then we will see if any of the ‘decay’ has affected any thing else.
The past few weeks , when I should have been there for him, I have been quite ill. We have spent 2 complete days in hospital, having scans, etc and my blood pressure dropped dangerously low. They have found the cause now, a blocked artery in my lower neck and last Tuesday they were going to send me by ambulance from Aberystwyth hospital to Morristons in Swansea, as an urgent case. I was terrified as you can imagine but all the time thinking of David’s op. How can I look after him when I can’t look after myself. Eventually it was decided that I could go home and wait. I am waiting. I have an appointment for a Vascular consultation to assess whether I need a stent inserted into the blocked artery. Bit frightening but nothing I can currently do.
So this week I have been scared for me, scared for David but realised that I was never scared for us. We have been through some horrible emotional times these past years and survived and we will survive this. Not sure how but we will. As long as our bodies heal, our love for each other and beyond that, our friendship, will see us through.
I also realize that I have been so worried about how we will manage this, how we will get through it, how I will be able to care for him, that it has helped make me so poorly. I am very hard on me and that has to stop. I am not superwoman and if I am ill, I am ill! I know that doesn’t help the situation but making myself worse by worrying won’t either. I have been so scared and felt ashamed. I have been left wanting and felt ashamed again. Felt helpless and inadequate and that has rendered me more scared and guilty. I need to put this right.
One of the most important things I try to do for clients, especially when they present with similar feelings, is to give them permission to feel the way they feel. To say its okay to be scared. It’s okay to be angry, frustrated, resentful etc. It’s okay to be human with all it’s frailties. To give permission removes guilt and helps the healing process,in clients with grief, sickness, trouble or pain. Today I give myself that permission.
Valentines Day is about love. It’s about showing that love and appreciating the little things. I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me no matter what. My being ill hasn’t changed that, never has and his having cancer has certainly not changed my love for him. If anything I love him more for his strength, his calm and his still managing to make me smile.
So to every care giver, I give you permission to have these feelings,but more importantly, give yourself that permission and life will seem a little easier.
Now, I am very tired but wish you all a good week and please spare a thought for us next Thursday when David has surgery with me at his side as long as I can be.
Thanks for reading. x
carolannwright 