This past week has brought, joy, chaos and some very thought-provoking incidents. But along with those it has brought me to a revelation.
I have hankered after the past for a long time now, especially the past 3 years. I have loved and lost people, both to death and to estrangement and wished it were so different. I have missed my daughter and grandchildren, knowing of their lives and have been hurting beyond belief, grieving for a life that I am no longer part of.
Last weekend we had a visit from my husbands best friend, from Australia, second visit this year. This brought about a lot of thinking and talking about the past. We talked of people who have been denied the chance to be part of our lives because they died too young. We talked of those we love and the importance of our being loved, a fundamental need within all of us. Being loved is something we are never promised, but something we should have by right when we are first born.
Suddenly it was like all the lights had been switched on, inside of my head. The acknowledgement of where my need to have family love me,comes from. I always knew I didn’t have a mother’s love, that I wasn’t wanted, different from the other family members and it always hurt.I always hurt when some of my siblings spread lies and stories about me and have never understood why it hurts so much. But here I was, years later, acknowledging that my needs today, came from those unfulfilled as a child. Something happened inside of me and suddenly, it was all okay.
I have not been well for a while now, I have a chronic illness that is well controlled but this was different. I had dizziness, balance issues,headaches and fatigue. I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks without sitting down. When I stand the room spins around me and the floor seems to be coming towards my face. I become disoriented and nauseous.Preparing vegetables, on a high stool at the worktop. Sitting with my feet up whilst writing as I am now, today. I felt very ill and on Friday David insisted he took me to see my GP. After taking my blood pressure in both arms,I was sent straight to A&E and spent all day having tests on my heart, my brain, Carotid Arteries, CT scans on my chest and head. Blood tests, oxygen sats etc. etc. I had been waiting for a CT head scan but they superseded this. My blood pressure had been down in my boots. Ranging from 67/54 – 78/67 and they were worried. They discovered that my Right BP was a lot higher than my left and I am having a doppler scan and a heart ultrasound, sometime this week. So not a good week. We had David’s pre-op Tuesday so we are a little fed up with hospitals today.
I don’t know how much the past 3 years stress has contributed to this but it made me realise, that I have wasted so much time on things that I can’t change even though I have tried. Wasted time wishing my life was different, more like the life I envisaged at this stage, at the age I find myself at, and that wishing for that,is futile.Life is how it is. It isn’t the past. It isn’t the future. Life is today and maybe all we have.
Missing people only hurts more, thinking about them, only hurts more and is exhausting. I don’t have the energy now, I don’t have the strength and no longer want to waste the time. This past week has taught me a lot. I can see how much energy the past few years have stolen from me.
So. The revelation was this. The past can no longer hurt me. It has gone and I am all hurt out. I will no longer think of people, miss people who want no part in my present no matter how important they were in my past. Everyone and everything I need to use my strength for, need to concentrate on , those who want my love, need my love and deserve my love, my energy and my time, are here, with me , here ‘on the farm’.I will still stay in contact with my brother for as long as he is able to talk to me on the phone. I will try to see him again, I so want to . I know he is being cared for by his children and am thankful for that.
Sometimes we feel that things are just too big, too sad, out of our control and feel unable to cope. We need to remind ourselves how far we have come. Look back to other times when life has been unbearable, but we were able to bear it. The times that were horrific but we survived.
I was abused and unloved for the first part of my life,from birth,throughout my childhood and my early adult life. Horrific times but I survived. My later years were fraught with legacies of that abuse and governed by my seeking approval and love from those around me. It didn’t always come. But I survived. These past 3 years life has been hard, full of nasty cruel bullying by ‘family’ but I am still here. And now cancer and my health deteriorating. It has to stop! I have to ‘re group’ and say enough is enough!
David is my life, my rock and not only do I owe it to him to concentrate on being here for him, in every way, I owe it to us, as a couple. We have made sacrifices as parents do and this should be our time.I can’t afford to be ill, I can’t be ill and so have to get this sorted to be able to care for him like a good partner should. We have the rest of our journey to travel now, the PC journey and I will need to focus on that and my husband’s recovery. Of course,since his diagnosis I have known this but I have been so entrenched in the past, in people who have affected our yesterdays and my todays, that at times, he has not had my full attention. Well they will not affect my tomorrows. One day at a time I tell my clients. Stop thinking about what’s gone, stop worrying about what might be. Live today. I need to take my own advice.
So Carol Ann is, I hope, once this illness is diagnosed and treated, on her way back. I have said that before I know and have slid back, but no more. I will come back, but it will be different. I have read on my PC groups, of many partners, care givers who have health issues themselves and I wonder if perhaps we stop looking after ourselves. We need to do that to be able to look after our men. I NEED TO DO THAT!
I will continue to map my Journey’ in my blog and share my thoughts, feelings and emotions and I am sure I will slip back again but must not stay there.When I feel stronger, I will be selfish with my thoughts, be careful with my worry and generous with my love and time with the man I love. He is my priority.
None of us wanted to embark on this journey but we are here. None of us chose this path but as David says’ often’ ‘we are where we are’ and as long as he is still by my side we will walk tall, strong and determined. I have survived times I thought I wouldn’t. I have seen and suffered things no one should have and survived. We will survive this, together. Do I have a choice.? Yes, I could walk away. Do we as a couple have a choice? No. So that cancels out my choice. I married in sickness and in health and here I am, where I belong.At the side of the man I love.
Yes we are still being thrown challenges, tests in our lives together, some I don’t choose to talk about, but we will face them together.So far I have survived 100% of life’s challenges and we will, together, survive this one!
I hope this has not been rambling, I am touch typing it so as not to look at the screen very much, it messes with my vision. Thankyou for reading and stay strong. xx
carolannwright 