To understand some of my blog, you need to have known about my earlier life.
7 Years ago, I wrote my autobiography. Because of the sensitivity of the content, I had to write under a pseudonym and let everyone directly involved in my story , know of the book. This I did . A year or two before this and the prompt for writing my story, I had become re acquainted with someone I had been very close to in my teens. Someone who was very important to me, and his family. I discovered that this family, who I had been told hated me, had always wanted me to be part of their lives. To be the sister they never had. At family occasions, I had always been the missing part. They talked about me and wondered how I was and what I was doing.I was both overjoyed by what this now meant but saddened for all those lost years. When I began the book I asked them if they were okay with it and was told to ‘go for it’, knowing that what I was going to write was the truth. Since the I have been welcomed to the family, a niece I never knew I had and brothers and sister in-laws. Making me a sister to 5 brothers, how lucky am I!
I don’t have ‘birth’ family around me, I live in West Wales they live mostly in Hampshire. I was always close to my brother and my two elder sisters, sadly the eldest died of cancer a few years ago. The second eldest has been fed lies about me and so has shut me out of her family. As I have said before because of my honesty, I lost my eldest daughter and grandsons and this has led to lies and stories told to the rest of my ‘family’ and me having no way of defending myself except on the first blog I wrote on here. I used to visit my home town regularly but because of our commitments here and ill-health, I haven’t been back for a few years. I miss seeing family especially my brother , the one I grew up with, Tony. Efforts have been made in the past to come between my brother and myself but we both love each other and so it did not succeed.
During the past 3 years, I have been told to take photos off my social media, to remove blogs and to stop saying how I missed people. Sometimes I have done this and recently I have not. I still have MY memories and no one is going to stop me sharing those. To stop this from happening I made my page private and took family off my friend list, explaining why.
I ring my brother every week, sometimes twice a week and recently he told me he had a fall and had been to hospital. I had not been aware of this as I am always the last to be told for reasons already mentioned. Being so far away sucks. I feel so helpless and cannot go to see him and help in his care, even though I now know it would not be welcomed by ‘family’.
Although I have taken steps to stop being ‘harassed’ on social media, especially at this time with all that is going on in my life, someone is sending my posts to a relative and this has led to my being,once again, TOLD to remove it and not to mention my brother on social media. The post was one where I expressed my anger at cancer. Having lost so many friends and family, now my beloved David having cancer, I found that my precious little dog has a cancerous growth that must be removed. In this ‘post’ I mentioned ‘my brother’. It could have meant anyone of my remaining 4 brothers. The person telling me, has caused me pain and nuisance, bringing more accusations of my trying to cause trouble. I don’t need this! I obviously thought, as I had been shut out of family life, everyone else would have known before me that my brother had been ill. I also did not think for one minute, that people who ignore my messages to them, asking about family, would still be monitoring my social media!!
So it has not been a good week!
I did begin, last Monday with being positive. I had read some lovely and some funny posts of the Prostate cancer groups I belong to, and many that had renewed my hopes for a positive result after David’s surgery. Tuesday was not too bad and I had been posting positive,funny and inspirational sayings and posts on Social media, trying to stay uplifted.
Wednesday brought us to the vet and the outcome was anything but positive. Ellie has a cancerous growth on her tummy that has to be removed this week. cancer once again. Hence the post on Facebook. They say things come in 3’s. Well I can count and three, this time round, it is. So let’s hope. Wednesday had taken me back to an all time low. Not only did it mean surgery for Ellie, but logistically it made me panic . What if David is called to surgery and Ellie is not recovered.?To understand my concerns,you would need to know my little dog. Coming from an horrific home, she is highly strung, very clingy to me and suffers hypervigilance. Is scared of any noise and constantly aware of her surroundings. We keep everything the same so as not to upset her. Her early life was so awful that it is still very much affecting her life now.We have made arrangements for a young man, who she knows but has not seen for a few years, to look after everything here. Now, could I leave her? Would David want me to leave her? Back to the what if’s bigtime. I was beginning to think of things going wrong in surgery, for her and for David. Then the fears returned in all their horrible glory. The what ifs took over and the message from my niece TELLING me to remove my post, just added to how vulnerable and angry I felt.
Bu then I wrote a reply to an email from my son, who also lives in Hampshire. It is usually me reassuring him but now the he is telling me. ‘just look at each situation separately, not as a collective. always here for you.’ That is where I was going wrong, again. Seeing everything as one huge hurdle, one huge worry, one huge hurt. I had to take them each as separate things, one at a time as my son said. Little bites, taking little steps, something I always tell clients. One day at a time. One step at a time. One issue at a time. That way the overwhelming becomes less.
So yesterday I began to put this in place. I am taking steps to make my social media as private as I can without losing those I love and those I know who won’t try to cause me anymore stress. I am writing letters to my children, a ‘just in case’ that was always going to be done. All of my children. That way I can use social media for the right reasons and get back to blogging as a way of de stressing myself and hopefully bringing some comfort to others.
Today, Sunday began with a very early phone call from Australia. Unexpected and surprising. My husband’s best and closest friend for more years than we want to think of, is coming back over here for a visit later this month. We did see him in the Summer and he was very upset when David told him about the cancer. He is not usually an emotional man but became very upset when he had to go home. He then wrote inviting us both to stay on his farm for Christmas and New Year. With all of our own animals and expecting a phone call re David’s surgery, we declined but who knows, one day. It was so good to see my husband smile. The past few days, I tried hard not to tell him about the latest ‘family’ stuff but he knows me too well and was concerned that I was upset about something else. I told him and he was both angry and hurt that people are making trouble for me at this awful time. But seeing Peter will make him feel a lot better I am sure.
So as the poster says, I will smile, I will act and I will pretend, just as I did as a child and a younger woman. Yes it is hard and family should be around me and I should be around them but it isn’t like that. Life is how it is and my priority is my husband and my animals ‘here on the farm’. Upbeat I don’t feel but I can pretend to be and who knows, ‘whistle a happy tune’ might actually work.One step…..
Take care everyone and thanks for reading. x
carolannwright 