It’s been a hard week, waiting for an appointment for David’s assessment pre op. Long gloomy week. Even the weather most days felt heavy and low. He remains well and active as though there is nothing wrong with him. I think that the others on the group are right, the waiting can be the hardest part. Waiting for tests, waiting for results. Waiting for tests, waiting for results etc. etc. Now waiting for an appointment to assess his suitability for surgery. Waiting! Waiting! Waiting!
I have said in the past that I wish, we wish, at times that the PSA test had never been part of a routine group of bloods our GP did. Wish we could un-know what we now know. But we do know and we want the cancer gone! Of course in reality, we are glad the test was done before the cancer became inoperable and spread. But neither of us are very patient when it is something this important. But we have no choice,so we go on waiting!
This week has seen me at my worst. Very low on some days, high on others. But the lows, bring the self -doubt and are sometimes stronger than the highs. All of this has started us thinking of when we are no longer on this earth. Depressing yes but necessary, yes. We have re drawn our Wills. Making sure that when the time comes, if we have any of our beloved pets, ponies, dogs or cats; that they are provided for and cared for as we would want. I have made sure that my bequests are clear and that certain people will receive the things I want them to have. Special pieces of jewelry etc. All done ‘just in case’. I have found myself doing a lot of ‘just in case’ lately. I have made Memory boxes for my son and my daughters, both of them. They were started years ago when my eldest and I were very close; we were close for all of her growing up and most of her adult life. We fell out a few times, mostly because of my needing honesty from her but always made up after a little while. This was before the ‘poison’ was spread to her and the family. But I will continue with her box and when the time comes it will be hers. The estrangement still hurts and last night after thinking about her a lot, I had an awful dream that she was calling for me but not allowed to see me. I had a recurring dream that was similar when she was a child, when the woman they called my ‘mother’ and my youngest sister tried hard to turn Lisa against me. Eventually, 3 years ago, with lies, they have, or rather my youngest sister, has succeeded.
The dream was possibly because I found photos of her and her family on holiday in Tenerife. On return, her husband had told me of a trip they took to the top of a ‘mountain’, by jeep, he was driving. It had been a sheer drop the side my daughter was sitting and she was terrified, calling out for me,’ her Mum. We laughed at the time. How I wish she would call out to me now.
Yesterday I was made aware of something that has been said about me and my life and family, in response to lies written on Social Media by a family member. Someone I used to admire and who I thought knew me. The comments on her post, were made by people I have never met, people who know nothing about my life or about me. Believing these lies and adding their own opinions. How can you have an opinion of someone you know nothing about or a situation you know nothing about?? I feel sorry for them, they can’t be nice people. Possibly the kind who buy newspapers to read of the horrors, that are committed around the world. Not wanting to read about good, honest and kind people. Bad nasty news sell papers, I think these ‘believers and commenters’ are people who enjoy other people’s drama, true or not. If people want to know the truth about my life, as the picture above states, please ask me. No one else, just me. Others make us stories and tell lies to suit their own agenda. Most of the lies have been said by someone who has not been part of my life, or knew anything about it for more than 30 almost 40 years. The only person who knows about my life, is Me. But they can’t hurt me anymore. The past 3 years have left me all hurt out. I don’t need to make up stories of pain, hurt or worry, I have it in bucket loads, I don’t need to lie about anything and I won’t. Yesterday has to be put right there, yesterday and I need all my energy to fight today and tomorrow whatever it brings.
That’s enough of ‘family’, my little family here on the farm is all that is important to me now. David and my animals are my life and I am not going to give another seconds thought to those who choose to live outside of my life. Stay there, I can no longer afford to worry about any of you.
A few days before Christmas, in the middle of the night, I went to get out of bed and had a kind of ‘episode’, spinning around of the room, like being on a roller coaster. I couldn’t stand up or move much. It lasted quite a while and gave us both a fright. A few days later a similar ‘episode’. So because it was worrying my husband, I mentioned it to my GP at my appointment for blood checks and he is sending me for a brain scan. Scary? Not really, as I think it could be stress, as he first suggested. I am hoping it is nothing sinister as I don’t have time to be ill. I am sure it is stress, I have seen how worry and heartache can affect people, I see it all in my work all the time, and I have stress in huge amounts at present. So I am telling myself that that is what caused these ‘attacks’. That way I will stop worrying and adding that to my anxiety levels.
Back to the main reason for my blog. I have read many positive posts of the PC group this past week, lots of successes after Robotic surgery. Yes, some side effects but David and I just want the cancer with a little ‘c,’ gone so that we can get on with our lives. The brave men and women on this site, give me comfort, strength and hope. They bring me up when I am down and above all, some have made me smile. Thank you to you all.
We have also been searching the Internet for possible places to move to, downsize after recovery. Not sure where we will go yet, many possibilities and this has given us a focus to take our minds off the next few months.
Surgery, we were told, will be January or early February. David and I have gone through a great deal in the past 3 years, none of it good but are still here, still together, still smiling and still in love. So whatever the next few weeks bring, we are more than ready for it. Yes it has been a hard week but a new week ahead and I will make it a good one.
Thanks for reading and virtual hugs to you all, x
carolannwright 