As the year crawls to an exhausted end, I usually reflect on what has happened during its reign. Do I want to do that? Not really but I will keep up my own tradition and that way maybe, just maybe the year will leave me feeling better than when it began.
This time last year I will have written about how 2015 had left me reeling. How members of my own family have hurt me and caused us all here, pain and unhappiness. I hoped 2016 would be better.
Hope wasn’t listening.
This year has been one of the worst of my adult life. I had thought last year was bad but it had nothing on the extremes of hurt, pain and fear I have experienced these last 12 months. At first, all courtesy of my youngest sister and my eldest daughter.
I began the year having been maligned and insulted on social media by so-called family. I thought that was as bad as it could get. I was wrong.
I wrote my autobiography back in 2009 and it has sold really well for the past 7 years. Again, ‘family’ stepped into my world, with lies and libelous statements to my publisher that left me with the book taken off the market and my contract terminated. Not to do with the book’s content but the disclosure of my real name by them. I was heartbroken. It was my life’s work and was helping so many people. Eventually, I found another publisher and a 2nd edition was produced and is now back selling. But the nasty taste this left in my mouth took a long time to go away. I have written about the ‘Truth’ of what happened in earlier blogs and so am not going to repeat myself. During this time I was at an all time low.
Because of family I briefly lost touch with my beloved brother but persevered and we are now back in touch, not quite the same but the love on both parts is still there.
Then we had Marie’s wedding, a happy affair, almost spoiled again by family but they didn’t succeed. The only light in a dark year.
The world was beginning to look better, life was picking up and David and I were about to embark on a new phase in our lives. The first time in 31 years we were going to be just us, a couple. No children to worry about, no one else to consider except each other and our beloved animals. We made plans, moving house, down sizing. Maybe even returning to our old home town. Life was good ‘here on the farm’.
Thankfully family stuff had stopped but not before lies had been spread to alienate most of my extended family. At first I found this devastating, like I had felt as a child. Lots of tears over people I know are not worth it. The heart doesn’t always understand that, even if the head does.
Then the worst thing of all. David’s diagnosis. A simple blood test and we found he had cancer. Our world was turned on its head and nothing has been the same since. Again I have written about this in earlier blogs but was not prepared for the ups and downs of these past weeks.
I had an early Christmas card from someone I was close to in college, we stayed in touch. She has cancer and is very poorly. A lady who has given her life to helping others and now she is on the other side of that. Not fair, not fair at all.
Then we lost one of our last two little cats, that was heartbreaking as her brother pined for weeks. We had a very sick pony and were sure we would lose her but thankfully haven’t.
There is nothing left in this coming year that could hurt us more than the fear we have had these past few months. We don’t of course know the outcome of treatment David will have but we know that he is having surgery to remove the cancer early in the year. After this, we will take each day at a time. Maybe they will get it all in one foul swoop so to say. That is the outcome we are of course hoping for. I have read everything there is to read about this cancer and the odds are good. I belong to 2 groups on social media and they have been supportive, patient and sometimes uplifting. I have read the good and the bad.
These past 2 weeks, I have again waxed and waned between feeling really positive and telling myself that he will recover fully and we will get life back on track. To the very worst outcome and that’s the thought that brings me to my knees. I have gone to bed, reading something nice to help me sleep. Doesn’t work for long, sometimes I can’t get any sleep and when I do, I have nightmares of losing him. Other times, I awake and stretch feeling okay and thump, like a sledgehammer, reality kicks in. Those days are the worst. Writing the nightmares and these heavy thoughts down, sometimes helps me get rid of these feelings. Not always.
Will I lose him? Terrifying thought
Will I be strong enough to do this with him?
Will life ever be normal again?
It that selfish? Possibly.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe.
Am I being optimistic? Always! No choice.
Of course I don’t know the answers but I feel that the past 3 years we have had enough of the bad stuff to last the rest of our lives. My birth family have waged onslaught after onslaught but I am still here, still telling the truth and always will. David having cancer is the worst of everything 2016 threw at us. I remind myself of where I came from. I remind myself that I have 100% track record of survival. So I will survive this coming year, and if I don’t, it won’t be for lack of trying!
Gloomy reading isn’t it. Sorry but that’s how its been. I have tried to find some positives, some really happy but can’t today. I have read so many posts on social media that say the same 2016 was a horrid year. If you look around the world, read the paper, see the news, the world has been chaotic this past 12 months and so why would it be any different for me.
So, whatever 2017 has in store, I am ready for you! Family, cancer, truth or lies I am ready and I will kick you all into touch!
So let’s see the demise of this horrible nasty cruel year that called itself 2016 and face its successor full in the face and tell it, ‘we are ready, bring it on’. Let’s not mourn for it, let’s not look back, let’s take out any good bits and place them safely away and throw the rest out with the garbage.
So my wish to anyone reading this is , is more than Happy New Year. Its that 2017 brings you better health, strength to face whatever it throws at you, fortitude to carry on and lots and lots of love.x
Happy New Year all and Thankyou for reading. x
carolannwright 