Well the dreaded yet anticipated day arrived and was just how we felt. Grey and miserable. We tried to think of it as a day of decision, a day of finding out where we go from here. It was a long drive from our home here in New Quay, West Wales to Swansea and in bad weather it always seems much longer. David didn’t say a word for a very long time and I was not sure what to say. Something that doesn’t happen often for me. I didn’t want to upset him, make him more anxious or say something that belittled the importance of this meeting we were travelling to.
Neither of us knew what to expect, we were told we would meet with the Team, whatever that meant. To discuss the options and make a choice, if there was one, as to what we do next. Me using the ‘royal we’ here. We stopped once to have a comfort break but just wanted to get there and get it done.
On arrival we were met with new system in a really beautiful hospital. By that I mean it was airy, welcoming and more like an airport than the reception area of a medical place. If only! If only my beloved husband and I were getting off to our favourite place, a Greek Island for some Winter sun. But we weren’t. We were here to discuss the dreaded ‘c’ with a little c word.
We didn’t wait too long and saw the first member of the team, a lovely nurse who didn’t believe David was 72 and then said she thought he had married someone much younger. It didn’t seem false, said to put us at ease, she genuinely looked surprised when David said how old he was. For whatever reason, real or not, it was welcomed by me as I felt very old as I have of late. After that we saw 2 more nurses, a lady who talked about the consequences of surgery and the practicalities of catheter bags etc. Not something my poor husband seemed comfortable with as she was younger than our daughter! All of this was hypothetical until we had seen the surgeon and discussed the options.
Then the surgeon. An Indian man, dressed in a suit and smiling shook our hands as we entered his room and began his questions. ‘Youhave been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer’ he stated as though we didn’t know, as though it was a question. David said yes he had.All the practical stuff done before by the team, left us time to ask the many questions we had and it was decided that Robotic surgery, in Cardiff will take place in the New Year. Done! He sounded confidant at first and we began to relax but then told us , as he has to, of the risks, the bowel problems, if he cut too close to the bowel, David might require a longer stay in hospital and maybe more surgery! He told us of other risks and gave us statistics of these occurring. Scary scary stuff and if I could have changed places with David and had this surgery myself I would in a heart beat. He looked devastated. The surgeon looked at me and asked what I thought. ‘I Just want my husband well and happy’. I said in what I realise now was a slightly pathetic voice. This medical man in his brown expensive suit smiled and said he had every confidence that that is what will happen. Sigh.
We left the hospital still silent. Got into the car and I leant over to the man beside me and kissed him. ‘We can do this” I said quietly but hopefully sounding strong. ‘We got this love’. We began our journey home.
When I look back at the things that have happened in my own life,I know I can do this,be there for the man I love. I will nurse him, encourage him, push him if I need but most of all love him. He has always been my rock, now I will be his. I have no choice. When I look back over the past 3 years with the horrors ‘family’ have caused me, I know I can get over this as I did get over all the nasties they threw at me. David was there throughout, holding me when I cried, listening to me when I needed to try and make sense of what was happening. Never faltered. Now it’s my turn. I am still not too well, we still have a sick pony and all the usual worries that family have but we will survive it all, I know we will.
But.
I made a decision yesterday, the reason for my picture at the top of this blog. Our little pond in the paddock, when frozen a few weeks ago, looked so still, so calm and beautiful. Snow and frost cleanse things. I want a white Christmas for that reason, snow makes the world look beautiful, calm and clean.I must try to do this in my family life, cleanse from the past. No-one else will do it, so I must once again try. I have reason to hate those who hurt me and caused us all here so much pain. But I don’t. Hate is a waste of energy, a waste of time a waste of precious life. None of us know what is around the corner and after the past few months I have realised that. Life does not go on forever. People die. One day it will be too late so I have to try again, now.
Tomorrow we will put up our Christmas tree and decorations. I aim to make this a peaceful happy Christmas for my husband and daughter and for the menagerie that is my animal family. I will try to send good will to those I don’t see. Christmas is going to be good, who knows what life has in store by this time next year. So love those around you, tell those you care about and appreciate this fragile thing called life.
Thank you for reading.x
carolannwright 