Well, I am hoping that the above does happen. Hasn’t as yet, but still hoping.
The early part of this week, we, David and I , talked of nothing else apart from what is happening, re the invader of our peace, the unwanted guest in our thoughts. The cancer that has hit our little family like a thunderbolt. We have read , I would think, everything ever written about this nasty disease, the treatments, the outcomes, the side effects. None of it very enticing or reassuring. Whatever David decides to do, he seems to be dicing with his future, our future. None of it can be done without some kind of repercussion and that makes decisions very hard.
All week we have tried to contact our specialist nurse to no avail. We then decided to talk to our GP and I must admit he was very good and very helpful. Eventually a lovely lady, one of the nurse specialists rang and went over the options. Although David was almost sure he had decided on surgery, Robotic, she asked him to take a few days to think, to make sure it was what he wanted. She is ringing tomorrow morning for his decision.
We also have had support from our local group, on Facebook and another lovely lady whose husband has been through it all. She has offered to talk to me or my husband on the phone when and if we feel the need. Very kind.
For those who know me, they will know that I don’t cry. Sad movies, music, weddings etc. I feel the emotions but don’t and sometimes, can’t cry. A legacy from keeping my emotions under control as a child. But now, I seem to be in floods at every upsetting thing I hear or see and every time I try to discuss what is happening to my wonderful man.
We are a very private family and very small. Yes we both have extended family, not local to us but we do. My own ‘family’ however, has been infiltrated by its own kind of cancer. Someone who has always wanted my life apparently: my ‘mother’ often said my sister was jealous of me, why I don’t know but several family members have said the same. With lies and deceit, she now feels she is living it, pretending my daughter is her daughter and my grandchildren, her grandchildren. Sad really but dangerous.. Friends and family on here know who this is and I am just thankful that the nasties that have been inflicted on me over the past 3 years, mostly instigated by her since she appeared in their lives, have stopped . They have done irreparable damage to me and David and had left me very low and poorly at a time in my life when I need all the strength and support I can summon. I hope she is very proud of herself.
Back to the purpose of my blog, journey. I have experienced heights of pain and emotion I didn’t know I had, these past weeks. I have been scared, no terrified, angry, sad, full of hatred and yes helplessness. I have been to the depths of despair that the thought of losing someone you love so much, takes you. One minute I want to scream that it’s not fair. The next I can’t summon the breath to do anything but survive. I read that things will be okay and feel better. Then on the same page I read that nothing will ever be the same again. That thought breaks my heart.
Life has been put on hold it seems’ here on the farm’. I can’t seem to look forward, can’t plan and can’t see my way through the fog of literature and research that anyone in our position must go through.
Help! I want to scream, but who to? Hold me! I want to ask but can’t ask. Make it stop! That’s the biggest. Make it stop, turn the clock back. Let’s un-hear what we heard. Let’s unknow what we know. Let’s go back to normal. To ordinary. Even to boring. Anywhere but here!
On the visit to my GP he asked me to go in the following day, on my own. He said he could see I was struggling and asked if I had family to support me. He knew I had 2 daughters as I had talked often of the baby my eldest daughter was trying to adopt a few years ago and how I was helping her. He knew how excited I was by that and how I loved my daughter. He didn’t know what had happened in the interim.He suggested I contact her and tell her what is going on. I felt ashamed to tell him why I couldn’t do that. I told him why and exactly what happened and he was in disbelief. But it made no difference, she has shut us out and being told what is happening will not affect her in any way. Sad but true.
So my world has fallen apart. I am on my knees and waiting for this help that my poster talks about. Tomorrow we will at least be on some kind of waiting list. Not sure how long but it will seem a lifetime. I know I will wane between wanting it over and not wanting it to happen. Love is keeping us afloat, love for each other. Whatever happens, nothing in that will change. He will always be the love of my life, my rock. I will always show my man that he is just that, my wonderful, sexy, loving, kind, intelligent funny man and eventually we will find the one thing that has kept me sane during trying difficult times. My sense of humour. But not today. No humour here.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 