Today’s blog is the second step of this new and scary journey we are having to make. I have used this photo as it shows me, as a little girl, but doesn’t show the fear, hurt and unhappiness I felt back then. I was helpless to the abuse I was suffering, to the hurt inflicted, mostly verbal, by the woman they called my mother. It shows a little girl smiling. Unwittingly I had hidden my life from those around me and I find myself doing that once again. I felt alone as a child and feel alone now. Of course physically I wasn’t, alone I mean. I had 3 sisters, a brother and parents. I had a relative who ‘loved me’ so no, I wasn’t alone. Today I have a loving, funny, intelligent partner in my husband. a wonderful caring daughter in Marie, my brother Tony and nephews Paul and Robert. I also have many close friends and relatives, some I found late in life. But, in the quiet moments, in the ‘wee small hours of the morning’, as the song says, I feel alone. Once again helpless.
If you haven’t read previous blogs, I am writing this as a way of offloading my fears and worries during this next phase of my life, it is a journey no one wants to travel. The Cancer journey. David was diagnosed a few weeks ago I am struggling at times to deal with what might or what might not be. This week, the days have been full of panic, fear and impatience. It makes me cross that someone somewhere, who has read the MRI report, knows what we are up against but we don’t. I know that’s ‘just how it is’ but that makes no difference. One part of me needs to know NOW! The other part wants to run and never know. We have a long 5 days ahead of us until we are told how bad things are or not.
One of the strengths of our marriage is humour. David makes me laugh every single day. No matter what is happening in our lives, at some point he will bring my smile. Either by his silly boyish antics or quick-witted comments. I try to do the same. My sense of humour, albeit sometimes a bit ‘out there’ has seen me through some very dark days. As a young mum of 2 daughters, bringing them up on my own most of the time, friends around me always commented on how I could always turn a near disaster into a funny story. I would relay it to them, using humour and so it lessened the pain for me and brought a smile from them. As a child, making people laugh helped me cope with the lack of real love and smiles at home. To please others, family mostly, I would make them laugh or smile in one way or another. That, I felt, was good.
In the past few years, there has been little to smile about but I have found myself ending phone-calls with a light-hearted comment, ending conversations outside of home in a way to leave the other person or people smiling. I tried hard to remain positive even though my ‘family’ was disintegrating around me. David would hold me at these times, when the real emotion came, when I was safe and at home with him. He would comfort me and always manage to bring a smile to my face.
This past week it has been so hard to do this. September is always hard for me. Happy memories of my first child Lisa Jayne being born, happy memories of my first grandson Harrison and holding that tiny bundle in my arms. Then sad ones because they are no longer part of my life. My fault I suppose, I lost my daughter and her children by my honesty and trying to protect a child in her care. Our wedding anniversary is also in September and this year seemed more poignant than usual. There is nothing like the ‘C’ word to make you re -evaluate things and people. To put things in perspective. Yes I have lost many people I love but my time now must be given to David and to this fight we have ahead. The rest doesn’t matter. ‘They’, don’t matter. I,now, need all of my strength, to support him, and that will include humour, if it must. Years ago, Marty Caine a comedienne of the day, said, ‘always laugh at yourself, then it won’t hurt when others laugh at you’. I have never forgotten that and need it today.
When talking this week, my husband said, he didn’t understand why I was afraid, it wasn’t happening to me. How wrong is that! How wrong is he! I married him in sickness and in health and will be here no matter what. The things that hurt him, hurt me. The worry that is his, will be mine. We are a couple, a shared life, almost a shared being. Whatever he goes through, I will wish I could take his place. Just as I do with my children. But I can’t. All I can do is be here, be strong and yes, make him smile.
Monday I was okay. I came on here and did a great deal of research, that left me very low. Very scared.
Tuesday I was a mess, results from too many words, too many outcomes, procedures, relapses, etc. Too many stories.
Wednesday I decided not to research and have a day without ‘it’, felt slightly better, more optimistic.
Thursday we went out. Looking to the future, our future, Making decisions is a no go currently but we may need to move at some point, down size and so we explored a few areas to see where we liked. We decided that we might even return ‘home’.
Friday was quite optimistic. We don’t yet know the score, so yes, a bit better.
Saturday was okay. Marie spent the morning with me so that helped.
Today, I spent the morning baking, David’s favourites as I always do on a Sunday but feel very apprehensive.
I have read stories, on support groups on social media etc.some really good some, really sad and bad. I keep telling myself, ‘one day at a time’, as I would tell my clients. I have tried relaxation techniques and breathing relaxation strategies, all of which I taught clients over the years. But physician heal thyself is not working.
I have to remain positive. I hope next week’s blog will be just that. We will at least know the score. We will know if the ‘C’ has spread. We will be told our options and I pray with every ounce of my being that it hasn’t spread and that it can be removed. Those of you who believe, please prayer for us.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 