The First Stage

 

The 24th August is the day our world was turned on its head. We arrived at the hospital, for the biopsy results taken a few weeks earlier,my husband very calm, me believing all would be well because he has no symptoms and is not unwell. I should have known; when we were sat down, the nurse came and sat between us on the couch just behind. The consultant leaned forward. I study body language, part of my professional training and knew this wasn’t going to be the best of news. It wasn’t. They had found Cancer.

After leaving the hospital where 10minutes had changed our lives, we did the weekly shop, David wanted to keep the ‘normal’. Me? There was no ‘normal’ now. I came over a bit light headed and had to leave the store, to gather my thoughts and my composure. I felt quite ashamed. This wasn’t about me but him. I gathered myself together and joined him back in the store. Then we went home.

This blog is from my side, my husband doesn’t want me to talk about him very much on here, has a dislike of Social media because of all the nasty stuff I have endured these past 3 years, so this is from how all of this is for me. Not selfish, not selfpitying, just a way of offloading my fears, hurt, stress and yes, hope.

The photo today is one of our geese, they work the same as ducks and sometimes, this is how I feel. Like Gordon here, serene on the outside, above the water, floating along but paddling like mad to stay afloat. Fitting I thought.

I don’t have a huge group of friends here, some good ones back in Hampshire and some lovely family and friends scattered around, Somerset,Andover, Portsmouth, Fareham etc. But not here. I don’t think it would make a difference if I had. Somedays I can’t talk about it. Other days I do every bit of research I can fit into one day, about this evil enemy that has struck my beloved husband .Some days I want to shout from the rooftops how angry I am. How this is not fair. How this is so wrong. David is one of the good guys. He took me, my daughters, lots of animals and everything that came with me on, and under his wing. He is strong, funny, intelligent and kind and good. There are so many evil people walking this earth and nothing happens to them. As a child, the woman they called my ‘mother’ would not allow us to say ‘it’s not fair’. Well do you know what?? IT ISN’T DAMN FAIR. None of this.

Some of you know that my childhood was an abusive one, a life without the love of a real Mother. I was the different one, the one who didn’t seem to belong. I was the brunt of her anger and dislike one day, and on other days,used to hurt my dad, the man who brought us up. Her games at my expense continued after her death and are being continued now by her youngest spoilt daughter. I was sexually abused all of my childhood. Unloved and later in life suffered the legacies of that abuse and became dependent on prescribed medication. I had many failed relationships, because of the damage done in childhood.Life was a struggle but I had two beautiful daughters to love, who were mine. There was a time, I fought to keep my first child and other times I fought for her in other ways. I nursed my youngest through many illnesses as mums do and would do it all again in a heart beat. The withdrawal from the medication, was horrific; panic attacks. night terrors, fear and lack of self worth , along with physical pain so bad I still remember it. I fought a hard battle to come off everything and succeeded, all with the love and support of a dear friend and my two daughters. Life was my own for the first time.Then out of the blue, life changed again, for the better and the best. I met my husband. That was 31 years ago. Life has been good and I know I am a very lucky lady.

But these past 3 years , after wanting to keep my integrity, my life has been bombarded by nasty comments, posts and blogs, full of lies. In my very first blog on here, I have told about these horrid wicked lies so won’t repeat myself. I have lost so much, people who I love, people who love me but I am putting this right. A few weeks ago, because of lies, I was told to stop contact with my beloved brother. Since then he has rung me a couple of times, I was out both times. But then, needing to hear his voice, a day or so ago, I rang him. He was so happy to hear from me and I will now ring as I have always done and he is good with this. It’s times like this we need the people we care about, need those who have been in our lives forever and know us, in our lives. So one down, 2 to go.

I have also had a long phone call with my nephew Paul, my eldest sister’s son. We keep in contact once a month by phone. His mum sadly died of cancer so I didn’t want to mention it. But he knew. I don’t know how, but he did and so we did talk about it. He is still trying hard to ‘make things right’ in my family or rather keeps asking me to. That was the promise I made to his mum before she died. I tried after her funeral and failed. So that part of our conversation was hard.

So, like childhood, the past years have been awful and had left me low and unwell. I felt like a broken doll until the nasties seemed to have stopped and I really thought that things were getting better. Then the diagnosis. Maybe I would have taken it better, been more capable of withstanding this latest blow if I hadn’t been so battered over the past few years.So forgive me if you think it wrong that I am angry. Forgive me if you think it wrong that I don’t think this is fair. My journey, my blog, will be honest, raw and straight, it is the only way I know how to be.

It’s like you feel when your child is ill or suffering, you wish it were you. You wish you could take the pain etc. instead of them. That’s how I feel. Helpless to the extreme. If I could take this away from David, I would so it without question. I should have family supporting me but apart from my youngest daughter and now my brother, I don’t. But I will pull through, I have no choice.

I have joined a couple of support groups on social media, they are great. It is good to hear of all the success stories but you also hear of the unsuccessful and that is scary. We don’t yet know how bad it is. We don’t know if it has spread and will know that at the end of the month. The letter came yesterday with the date. I tell myself that if it were really bad, they would have made the appointment earlier. But I was so optimistic last time, I daren’t even go there.

So, my days are changeable, scary and full of terror for the future. Other days I am okay and think that as long as we have each other we will be fine. Others I think,maybe it is not as bad as we know it could be. Even, ‘maybe the have made a mistake’! I know. futile wishes but I don’t seem to have any control of my thinking some days.

I will keep on with my journal, good or bad and hope it helps someone, someone who has or is feeling like me. Please comment if you are or have.

Thankyou for reading

x