The word Journey, has in my opinion, been a little over used these past few years. You hear celebrities use it when they are becoming famous, the same with sportsmen. It is used in reality shows and anywhere that a person feels they have changed because of a certain endeavor. Yes, over used and here I am using it myself but in a different context.
I suppose life is a journey, one we all have to travel and one where we never know where it might lead us or when it might end. It might be an exciting journey, or a difficult one. It might be a boring journey or it might be full of magical times. When we begin we are unaware of the where our private journey might take us. Yes we plan, everyone I think does that. Plan our lives, where we will be later in our life, where our children might be when they are grown. We can however hope and plan to the enth degree and it doesn’t happen. Life has a way of kicking you into touch, sometimes in a very painful manner as I know only too well.
As readers of earlier blogs know, childhood for me was a journey I wish had been very different. Then in my adult hood, I made many mistakes, mostly because of legacies of childhood. But I had two daughters and we had a happy life until a few years ago.
29 years ago I married , not my first time but I got it right in the end. My husband took on my children, the ponies, cats, dog and guinea pigs and rabbits, under his protective arms and I have never looked back. He was and is a great dad, not ‘step’ dad, but real dad. Marie welcomed him into our little family because she could see how happy he made me, after some very unhappy years. Lisa however did not make it easy, despite his many attempts to care for her. He loved our grandsons and was good with them on the rare occasions they came to stay.
My brother Tony and his wife Lin, found David quite hard to understand in the beginning but after a little while they became friends. We had many lovely times when they spent time with us on holiday in Monmouthshire, many happy memories.
All part of my journey with my husband, mostly good and always loyal, supportive and loving. Through the nasties of the past 3 years, courtesy of my eldest daughter and my youngest sister Trisha, David has been my rock. Without him I would never have coped with the pain and hurt inflicted on me, the losses they brought about and the friendships they ended with their lies.
As you will know, from earlier blogs on here, lies told to my brother Tony and my sister June, have left them without contact with me. But Tony rang me a week after my niece stopped him talking to me and again last week, I was out each time. But I have kept his message on my answer phone, just to listen to and hear his voice. It has broken my heart to know our estrangement was forced upon him and wish I could have rung him back. But these days phone-calls are not easy as I am almost always close to tears. But I will ring him, soon.
The photo above, I chose because it shows a journey of sorts, me on my beloved Star and my first grandson, Harrison who will be 26 on 13th of this month, on Charlie our Shetland. Lovely memories and wonderful times. Another loss to us, as grandparents, our grandsons and a grand-daughter whom we never met. But I have memories of the boys and hundreds of photos of the little girl who Lisa adopted.
So, my new journey. It is our journey really, mine and David’s. But being a man, he doesn’t talk much about himself and especially about illness. David has cancer.I have gone through the shock I was in last week. I have felt every emotion possible. Anger, pain, fear, loneliness, frustration and every emotion under the sun. But today it is the anger that I am feeling. Anger at why him? Anger at the timing, as if any timing would have made a difference. Anger at the injustice, unfairness of our current situation. But most of all anger at my daughter and my sister, my niece and my great- niece and everyone they involved in the vendetta of the past 3 years. They stole time from my husband. Time that I should have been giving to him and not wasting on people who have caused us such pain.It was David who sat with me when I cried over my daughter. David who held me and let me cry myself to sleep. David who spent time and money, getting my book back into circulation, my life-story that was out there, helping others and that the lies of these people took off the market. It was David who comforted me when talking about how my sister has usurped my ‘position’ in my daughter’s family! A wicked nasty person who doesn’t deserve her lot in life. Yes I am angry and wanting to hit out and hurt them in the same way, especially my youngest sister. Am I proud of feeling like this? Of course not. Will I act on it? Yes. Anger today is good. I have things to do that will take a lot of strength, before we go too far down this new path and anger will help me do that.
We have only just embarked on this journey together, we have no idea where it will lead. He has a 2nd MRI tomorrow and then shortly after I hope, we will know how far the cancer has spread, if at all.
It’s a dirty word, isn’t it, Cancer. I have lost so many people, relatives and friends to this nasty cruel disease that none of us are immune to. The first was my sister- in -law, all those years ago. She was 26 years old and left two sons with my brother. A lovely girl, someone I loved and admired.Then the list is endless, my best friend Mo, my friends husband Bob, my sister Georgina and the list goes on.
David, as I said, has been there for me at every hurdle life threw at us. He has been my lover, my friend, my companion, my rock. He has made me smile and laugh when I was at rock bottom and continues to do so. Now it is my turn. I will stand by him and together this journey will not be as bad as it would be without each other. Whatever we are told, whatever he chooses to have done, I will be there at his side.
So life, so Cancer, so Family, throw what you like our way, we are ready! This is a journey we would rather not have to make but we will reach the end and smile.
Thankyou for reading. x
carolannwright 