As a little girl, because of my home-life, the Summer holidays were not always happy. September to me was a ‘happy’. It meant school again, the end of the long periods of time at ‘home’. It meant safety. When I was in my late teens, it would mean the beginning of a new term at college for 3 years at least. Something I loved and where I had good friends.
September became my favourite month. A golden month, late summer sunshine and the beginning of the leaves turning orange, gold and red. As I grew into woman hood properly, it was always a time I enjoyed and good memories would always come back to me along with the end of Summer.
I married quite young and became pregnant, more by luck than by anything else. My first child was to be born at the very end of August and I remember thinking, if only it could be September. Well someone heard me because my first daughter was born, 10 days late on the 9th September. Lisa Jayne, My Blessing. So once again, the month became special in a way I could never have hoped for.
Many years later, I was blessed with my first grandson, Harrison born a few days after his Mum’s birthday. Another day I will hold dear to my heart forever. These are the things that give us memories. The good memories that we take out and cherish when we feel low. I don’t have either of these family, born to me, in my life today, not my choice but no one can take my memories away and boy do I need them at the moment.
So September brought me safety, friendships and love at many times in my life. It wasn’t September that I met my husband but it was on September 8th 1987 that we married. Both of my daughters were there, Marie and Lisa and her then husband Paul. A wonderful day now, tucked away in photos and dried flowers in my memory box. We often smile about the choice of my hat, his choice and that of the pretty lady in the shop where I purchased it. Not mine and it is my only regret of that beautiful day. The beginning of a long happy marriage full of fun, loyalty, support and love for each other.
Since coming here to West Wales, September meant the ducks returning, the trees and fields from my window, changing into a beautiful array of warm colours and the most amazing sunsets.
We have had some bad times, more of late re family on my side but our love for each other has never faltered.
Last Wednesday the last day of August we had the devastating news that David has cancer. When I awoke this year, on the 1st of September, my favourite month, I could see none of the beauty I always saw here ‘on the farm’. The hills were the same, the fields and our lake and river were the same but so so different. The birds still sung, I think and life ‘out there’ went on. Farm machinery roaring, cows mooing and the ducks playing on our water. Nothing had changed.
But everything had changed.
I supposed we thought we were safe. My two sisters had breast cancer, Georgina died of liver cancer, after surviving cancer the first time round. I had a big C scare but thankfully it was cysts. My husband’s brothers both had brain tumours, the youngest died last year but I think we thought we were okay.
Then this.
People have said, especially on my other social media, under my author name, that I must be a strong woman to have ‘gotten through’ the things life has thrown at me. My abusive childhood, a nasty hoax and the ‘family’ nasties over the past 3 years made public by them. Perhaps I was but not now. I don’t feel strong today. This September day, when the leaves are turning orange, brown and red, where the temperature is quite autumnal, I don’t feel strong at all.
But…
I have to be. I have to stop this ‘poor me or poor us’ and get my strength from somewhere and fight this battle along with my husband. We don’t yet know how bad it is and I am told, waiting for those results is the hardest part. Let’s hope ‘they are right.
I will continue to use this platform, please don’t read it if you don’t want to . I need this outlet, I always have written things down to rid myself of the thoughts and will keep doing that, so please bear with me.
I will find the strength, we will fight together and hopefully win this fight. This week, this 8th September, we will spend quietly somewhere having lunch, just the two of us, reflecting.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 