Throughout my life, when I have been worried, happy, sad or confused, I always put pen to paper. In this case, a computer as my handwriting is illegible now. During my life as a psychotherapist/Counsellor, I encourage clients to write things down. To write their innermost thoughts if they can’t express them. To write letters to those they have lost, through death, separation or estrangement. We then, in session work with these literary aids and the client begins to see things more clearly. In the case of losing someone to death, this often helps with saying goodbye and gradually allows the bereaved to move on and accept.
As I said, I use this way of expression and find it helps clarify things for me. I keep a diary, make notes, I write books. During the writing of my autobiography I had to work through some horrific memories, the very worst of times. I was taken back to some sad times and eventually helped to remember some good ones. It was a cathartic experience and one I pass on to those I try and help.
So, today, here I am again, trying to make sense of the past few years and put those nasties into perspective with the fears of today. Those of you who follow my blog will know how I have been bullied and libeled on social media. How I have lost a great deal. You will have read my own side, the truth of what has been happening. I am very grateful to everyone who has commented, emailed or pm’d me re all nasty family stuff. Many times in the past 3 years I have felt as though I was in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. Because of my childhood, when I am scared, the fear and terror of those times, not always the memories, but the emotions come flooding back and leave me very low. For the last few months, particularly since Mother’s day, I have only just been able to hold on.
It couldn’t get any worse, I thought. Nothing can feel worse than this and nothing can hurt the way I was hurting and so I made every attempt to stop it.
Well do you know what? There is something worse and that happened Wednesday. My wonderful husband, who has never been ill, had a blood test as a routine and was sent for a biopsy because of the results. Wednesday just gone we had the results and they are not good. He has cancer. It was like a huge blackness suddenly descending on us in the consulting room. The nurse was talking, then the consultant was talking but I didn’t and couldn’t hear them. I have been told by patients when they hear the ‘c’ word, they fall apart. Are terrified. That was me. David seemed not to be surprised. I was the one who had done all the reading and had come to the conclusion that he would be okay, he had no symptoms, wasn’t unwell and only had the blood test as a precaution. I was so sure the biopsy would be negative but here we were being given options of choice for treatment.
He has to go for an MRI, to see if the cancer has spread. This will determine the treatment if he chooses that route. The rest of the day is a bit of a blur.
We came out and went into town. He still wanted to go and do the week’s shopping, saying it was Bank Holiday weekend. I was in a daze. I didn’t know what to say or do and followed him like a little lost sheep.
Coming over a bit faint I made my way to the toilets and sat for a while. Trying to get a grip, make sense of what had just happened. Once home we went about our daily tasks and said nothing. We fell asleep in each other’s arms Wednesday night.
The following day we told our daughter and said how we needed her help over the next few months, going to appointments etc. with the animals. I know she will be there for us as we will be for each other.
Today, I went to my GP for my routine blood test and also down to the sea. Sitting at the water’s edge, the words of my best friend came into my mind. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer and I was the first person she came to. Sadly after a brave fight, the cancer won. ‘You can let it beat you and go down, or you fight like hell and beat it. If you then go down at least you have tried. Always smile, always kiss each other goodnight and don’t let anything or anyone steal a moment of your time together.’
So, that’s what I am going to do. She was a brave little lady, Mo, and I miss her wisdom and her love. I will be strong, I will fight whatever comes, with every ounce of my being and so will David.
The past few years, the ‘nasties’ have stolen my time, my peace of mind and my energy. No more. I have what is important, here ‘on the farm’, and will concentrate on that. We share a love of animals and live in an amazingly beautiful place. We have a lot to be thankful for.
Every day is a day nearer my David getting better, a day nearer to normality returning, ’here on the farm’. Bring it on.
Thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 